Because...

“A friend is one to whom you can pour out the contents of your heart, chaff and grain alike. Knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.”

29 Universal Truths...

...I'm partial to number 10...

1. Part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

16. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

18. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid " routing option.

19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an a ** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

25. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

27. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Amarinda Jones
Penn Halligan
www.amarindajones.com
www.amarindajones.blogspot.com
Be daring...read an Amarinda book

Knackered....

…knackered and knackered….I may have been burning the candle somewhat at both ends for a while and it just occurred to me that I’m frigging knackered. My broken toe is killing me because I wore my Doc Martens yesterday and made my foot worst but some people never learn do they? And I have a dead possum (don’t ask –just annoyed it died in my yard) in the wheely bin outside (trash can) that is an utter nose breaker every time I dump stuff in the bin. Luckily, it’s more the vampire’s problem (neighbours I never see and who only come out a night to hang out the washing) as it’s near their fence. While it’s true you probably shouldn’t mess with the undead, I ain’t moving the bin any closer to my house.

Ok…whine over…

www.amarindajones.com
www.amarindajones.blogspot.com
Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Eye roll news...

“A SWEDISH countess divorcing her CEO husband amid accusations of affairs claims she has too many expenses and cannot live on $63 million a year.”

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,25209526-5001021,00.html

Jeez…I feel terrible for her. I can’t live on $63 million a year either…oh wait, forehead slap… that’s because I have as much hope of getting that amount to live on as I do flying to the moon on aluminum foil wings using a snorkel. Who raises these people to be selfish, unrealistic sods? Or do they just appear one day, with a title? Boo-frigging-hoo to you, Swedish countess. Ok – he had affairs – cut the crotch out of all his trousers. Put a billboard up to tell everyone he has venereal disease or a teeny weeny penis. Be a real woman. Start a vendetta to teach him a lesson. Other women would support that. Or even take all his money and give it away to help the homeless, the starving, the abused and the ill. I would applaud that. But, in all fairness, I will offer to show the countess how to make meat loaf and buy generic brand goods if she has to accept this terrible sum. So email me Countess when you hit the skids. I’ll show you how to clip coupons…

A man who police said was arrested for performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum has been sentenced to 90 days in jail and ordered to submit to drug testing.

http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/newshome/5090611

You’d want to hope he was drugged because having ‘getting your rocks off with a nozzle’ is just something no one wants on their record.

“AN envelope believed to be the earliest known airmail item addressed to Australia has sold at auction for a record price of more than $190,000.
The envelope, or so-called balloon post cover, was flown out of Paris in 1870 by hot air balloon when Paris was under siege from the Prussian army in the Franco-Prussian war.”

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25245692-29277,00.html

I’m all for history but what do you do with an old, used envelope? Ever notice how some people have way too much money?

“A British school has sent a letter to the family of a girl who died two months ago that threatens to ban her from an end-of-year function if she doesn't improve her attendance.”

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/793852/dead-girl-sent-letter-for-wagging

The school has blamed a ‘software problem for the oversight.’ Yes of course. That’s the standard thing to blame isn’t it? It’s not me – it’s the computer. It’s a cop out and they should be ashamed at their appalling stupidity. Own up to it. How hard is it to say – “I stuffed up”?

“A small but significant minority of mental health professionals in Britain offer treatments to lesbians and gays so they can become heterosexual, according to a study released on Thursday.”

http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/newshome/5451794

Yes – gays and lesbians must all immediately become normal like us – or maybe use the Countess as a role model, have sex with a vacuum cleaner, buy old envelopes and blame technology for your short comings – ah yes, the normal people will inherit the earth and fuck it up well and truly.

www.amarindajones.com
Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Beauty versus self-belief

I know that I've got big ears and a big forehead and that my hair sticks up. But I'm happy with myself. I'm not necessarily trying to win a beauty pageant here-- Clay Aiken

Beauty can't amuse you, but brainwork - reading, writing, thinking - can -- Helen Gurley Brown

The beauty that addresses itself to the eyes is only the spell of the moment; the eye of the body is not always that of the soul-- George Sand

I was reading an article about what is considered beauty. They were trying to make people believe that if they looked like this or that celebrity then they would be beautiful. In my less than humble opinion - what a load of crap. I subscribe to the corny but very true ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder.’

When I was a kid – and surprisingly I was a child – probably for a couple of years – I asked my mother would I be pretty when I grew up. She said no. Now she wasn’t being harsh or horrible – she was just being realistic and I am thankful for being brought up being realistic. It has saved my arse many a time. I am not beautiful and never have been and that’s okay with me. Now, before you think – My, Amarinda is down on herself today – I’m not. I still believe in myself 110% and I know I am fantastic. No change in the status quo there. But I have never had pretensions to beauty so I am not upset at people’s opinions of how I look. I am who I am – that’s the Popeye theory of life and he loved Olive Oyl even though some may have considered Olive plain. She was beautiful to him and that’s all that mattered. I love me as I am and that’s all that matters.

My oldest brother used to continuously tell me as I was growing up that I was ugly. He was an idiot child. As a teenager that upset me but as an adult I can look at him and think there is much ugliness within him that I cannot and will never find attractive in any person. So what is attraction? To me, I like to hear what people’s thoughts are. I like someone that can look me in the eye as they speak because they make me believe in them as a person. I love a good sense of humour and confidence is wildly appealing. I find that’s attractive and sexy. The outside appearance of a man has never meant anything to me. Oh sure it may be the thing you look at first but it’s just the outside packaging and don’t we always discard that to get to the heart of a thing?

So why should people care about being beautiful? I personally don’t see the need to care. Be yourself. If people like or love you – great – if they don’t – well they don’t and you move on in your life without them. And yes, while some celebrities appear outwardly attractive, who are they really? We don’t know anything about them other than what is written in a magazine etc. How can you base what’s beautiful on someone else’s opinion? So, I say lets all be realistic and have the strength to accept who you are and what you look like and avoid so called beauty tips. You are an original so why try to look like someone else?

Changing subject as I do…I know absolutely nothing about football – Rugby league – other than the players wear short shorts and have very nice, powerful looking thighs. Actually sport in general is a foreign world to me. Apart from playing netball when I was a kid – I was in a team unfortunately called the ‘snowflakes’ and didn’t we pay for that name when we played the ‘highly spirited’ (vicious) Catholic school team called the ‘Cherokees’ – I don’t get the attraction of sport. Anyway, last night they had the Centenary Test on television. It was a football game that was between Australia and New Zealand celebrating 100 years of football. Why do I mention it if I have no idea of what football or sport is about? I always watch the start of any game when a Kiwi team is involved as I love watching them do the Haka before the game. It’s very tribal, masculine and powerful. What is the Haka?

Haka - a cultural ceremony display with a chant performed by many Southern Pacific teams as a challenge before a match at the center of the pitch.http://www.scrum.com/954_957.php.

There are of course many different forms of a Haka. Check one of them out here. I believe it’s the best part of Rugby League. I turn the TV off after that.

Quel controversy. Did they pelvic thrust or not? There has been a lot of hoo-ha over whether a bunch of models doing a scripted dance routine did the pelvic thrust or not to God Bless The USA at the 2008 RT convention or not. Don’t some people get their knickers in a knot over the smallest things? Anyway I saw the video on You Tube morning. I saw nothing offensive about it. In fact it looked about as sexy as a cheese sandwich. But I suppose it gave people something to get ‘outraged’ over and I feel people need to have a hobby and outrage is just as good as any other past time to have. I personally have always found scripted male strippers quite funny. Call me crazy but men gyrating to music and trying to look sexy while remembering to step, step, unbutton shirt, smile and turn, wiggle arse and focus attention on a crowd of tipsy women just does nothing for me but make me laugh and I guess that’s not a bad thing. Now sexy to me is an unscripted, private, consensual strip tease by your man. That is a completely different. Don’t you agree?

De-Promptelized today. Hallelujah. A bit of a wasted day waiting for connection, men clumping around the house etc yet despite that I feel lighter already knowing I deal with no more crap from the other mob. And yes Barbara, you can also use this as part of your creative weight loss routine. I also organized to change my mobile (cell phone) over as well as the landline/internet. I feel kind of bad about this as the mobile I have now is one I have had for 3 years. It has been through a lot with me. I have dropped it that many times and yet it has never stopped working, It is battered and chipped and the silver casing is nicked and scratched yet it still works albeit with a pissed off attitude at times. A bit like myself really…except I’m not silver…though I do wear only silver rings on my left hand and gold on my right. Why? I just do. Anyway back to the mobile. It’s a tough little Motorola. I’ll keep it in case the new whipper snapper version can’t hack the being dropped on its head pace. Hopefully the new mobile phone company can handle the trees that surround my house – it’s a bit like a fortress. The current company can’t. If someone calls me on the mobile I have to go out into the middle of the road and speak. That’s not really conducive to private conversations is it?

www.freewebs.com/amarindajones/
Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?