I am not!

So, I attended this job interview today, even though I’m starting another one Monday, because…well, because it’s complicated and I do complicated very well.  Anyway I went in and did my thing. I’m very good in interviews. I can look really normal and say all the correct things. It’s about confidence.  They liked me. I could tell. They reminded me of cut out figures sprouting corporate ideology. I didn’t warm to them at all. I’m always wary around corporate types. I emailed a friend later saying that I felt bad ju-ju coming from them. We all know you can’t mess with ju-ju – unless you're hormonal and then you’re on the same evil level as bad ju-ju.

At the conclusion of the interview they said that I would fit in because I was the sort of “bubbly person” they were looking for. I was aghast and agog. What!!!! Bubbly? Me? Have you been paying attention? The only time I’m bubbly is when I’m retaining fluid and then it’s more the Michelin woman look. Bubbly? I always equate “bubbly” with airheads. Bubbly is only acceptable when it’s champagne in a glass. I was quite horrified. Did I mention bad ju-ju? Next I’ll be called chipper or perky…god help me. 

Always classy...

So, I attended an interview for another job during work time because I could. I was told to dress corporate. I ain’t the corporate type but I did unearth my black jacket and managed to match my socks and, as close as possible, my earrings before wandering off to be interviewed. I interview very well. Talking, along with being able to bend over and place the palms of my hands on the ground, is one of my superpowers. I’m never lost for something to say. I was however lost trying to find the end of a thread – or a fred if I’m not paying attention and my inability to pronounce ‘th’ without finking er…thinking…takes over. Anyway, back to the the thread. I sat down and waited for the interviewer people to come in. It was then that I noticed I had a thread attached from my sleeve down to the buckle of my Doc Marten Mary Janes…okay –yes - not corporate but no one gets between me and my Docs. So this thread…how the hell did it latch on from sleeve to buckle? I have no idea. I pulled the thread. It was taut and didn't move. I tried to break it. Nuh-uh, not happening. I thought ‘well this is lovely. I’ll have to stand up and I’ll look like a Quasimodo hunched over to one side.’ I thought ‘take the jacket off, dummy.’ But then I remembered, ‘no, that will show your splendid arm tatts and this job specifically requested no visible tatts.’ Bugger. So I took the offending Mary Jane off and put it on my lap. This gave the thread some slack and I managed to break it. Problem was I managed to cut my finger on the nylon at the same time. So there I am, bleeding finger in mouth and a Doc in my lap. I’d want to employ me on interest level alone. Anyway, there was a knock on the door. I took my finger out of my mouth, dropped the shoe shoving my foot into it as they walked in the door. I wiped my bleeding finger on my black pants leg and shook their hands.

Did I get the job? Yes, I think I have it. Will I take it? No, not enough money for what they want done. Let’s face it…I’m a bleeding-thread-breaking-one-shoe- wearing-multi-tasker. I deserve big bucks, baby.