A shapeshifter, a vampire and a girl with a daddy fetish walk into a bar...

I’m usually not home when chats on author/reader loops are done as they’re done in Yankee time and that conflicts with Aussie time. In the past, I have managed to get to a few. To be absolutely honest, they’re usually a waste of time. Why? Well, a bunch of authors turn up and post excerpts of their books and other authors comment on how good the excerpt was and how they’d ‘love to read it’. Then it goes around in a circle until everyone has done the obligatory excerpt and murmured the loving it thing. No really, attend one and you’ll know what I mean. There are usual questions like ‘what is your favourite character in what book?’ ‘Do you have a muse?’ ‘A favourite story?’ or ‘are you wearing red socks, a pink pegnoir and a knitted beanie while sipping cinnamon flavoured tea?’ Ydah, ydah, ydah…

So I attended one today due to the fact I have a couple of days off over the Christmas break and that the author who was having the chat is one of the few authors I like, respect and admire. But oh lordy…it was hard work. It begs the question are these chats outdated? Do readers really care about what the author was feeling when she wrote the scene where the hero X, who is a wombat shape-shifter and older than the heroine which fits in with her Daddy fetish, shagged the stuffing out of Y, an overly beautiful virgin who dreams of being the toy of many boys before going into politics and/or being a rock star’s girlfriend, in a non tacky way while a pack of gay vampires watch on awaiting their turn with the shape shifting wombat all the time knowing they have to do it before daylight? Hmmm? I tend to write the author off as being on powerful medication or playing with her/himself. Unless you are a JK Rowing or the like you’re probably not going to draw many people to these chats to listen to you espouse your feelings on why wolf pack rape is acceptable if the heroine actually believes all 6 shape-shifting wolves really love her.

There’s got to be a better way than these tired-arsed chats…

I read this morning…

….a post on facebook asking people to ‘make sure’ they follow author—er, let’s call her Bodice Ripper - because she’s been super busy and has no time to do any author type annoy-the-crap-out-of-you-marketing…okay, yeah, it just said ‘marketing’ but the ‘annoy-the-crap-out-of-you’ part is also very true because that’s what writers like to do - buy my book, squeeeee (still not and never will be a grown up word) buy my book, squeeeee, insert link, book review from writer friend, squeeeeee….the number of ‘eee’s’ indicate the desperation level to sell the book. I find it rather tacky that someone – either a person or a third party insists you follow them. My thoughts? If I don’t know you I’m not gonna follow you. And you lack time to do marketing? That’s not a reader’s problem is it? And don’t even get me started on facebook nongheads who add you to groups to follow some author diva you never heard of or dump junk on your page to get others to follow them...that gets you an instant un-friend on facebook.

Facebook – it’s the huge social media monster in the corner in a lot of people’s lives. Writers, who use it properly, can benefit from it. Put no effort in or expect others to do the work for you because you’re too busy? Who isn’t busy on the planet?

Writer cults…

When you start doing the writing thing you have no bloody idea what you’re doing and you join various groups of writers to discuss the fact you have no bloody idea what you’re doing . It seems like a good idea at the time. But then, one day you realize these people in these writer cults really just want to tell you how fabulous their books are, what tricks their ‘precious’ little dog did while the writer in question was scouring the best seller lists and pouting because they were sure they sold at least 1000 books because all their family, friends and the fellow writer cult patrons swore blind they bought a copy. Then they ask did you buy a copy. No? Why not? Don’t you like vampire-lesbian-nun-demon-biker-loner-angst filled-nihilist-horror-paranormal-sweet-erotic-romance-with a twist of lime? No? Well why are you in this writer cult listening to my words of wisdom? I expect adoration damn you. No chocolate brownie recipe for you!

It’s my recommendation at that stage you have to get out of the writer cult. No, really, it may seem a hard thing to do but if you don’t you become one of those people who bombard unsuspecting readers/other writers with cutesy writer crap. When that happens, there’s no turning back. You’re one of them.

Writer cults – thanks but no thanks. Mother said don’t talk to strangers.

The I love you thing…

I was watching a movie – an Aussie one – on TV the other night. The story revolved around a man who had never said ‘I love you’ to his girlfriend. She wasn't happy with that. She wanted proof of his love and his belief in their relationship and the whole declaration of love was what she needed or basically she was going to leave him. Big sook I say…anyway, while it was a really good movie it did make me think a lot of what we ask of others. None of us really know what’s in the minds of those we love or how hard it may be for them to express their feelings or reconcile their feelings or how they worry about disappointing us. That the heroine of the movie needed to be reassured constantly told me more about her emotional problems and the need to be loved than the hero’s...actually, she needed a good slap back into the land reality...but that's probably another movie. The hero seemed to be happy regardless of what words were said. So here’s what I think. I believe while saying ‘I love you’ makes the receiver of that message happy, is it worth getting that message after harping on someone to say it? Isn’t love all about the unspoken things you do for the one you love? Why should there be a constant need to hear the words? Can’t we just be with someone because they make us happy and feel good? I think 'I love you' is vastly overrated and of course romance writers perpetuate this. So, from now on, no more ‘I love you’ in my books. Love – it’s not all about one person.

Yeah right…sure…okay…

I got an email from…well, let’s call him an acquaintance. He wanted to see what Amarinda Jones looked like so he Googled my name. He came up with the photo above. Yeah right…sure…okay…that’s me in an alternative universe where no one has cellulite and I have lost my mind and allowed someone to tie me up and whip me…but in the real world where I live 97% of the time – nope – that’s not me. It’s a picture someone sent me on my MySpace page for my birthday. Somehow it got tagged to me….and I could only wish I had thighs like that…and my hair is shorter and I would probably be slapping him back…but I digress…why is it important what someone looks like? I am plain, average, boring…I can’t see why anyone would need a photo of that. I also have this theory – which will no doubt thrill other authors, as I do, but I believe all romance writers look alike. I know – it’s a pretty big call but I swear to god I look at photos from various get togethers and I think everyone is interchangeable. It’s sort of like all firemen look alike – gorgeous. All nurses look alike – efficient, professional. Yes, you can email me and tell me differently and I’ll happily put your comments –good or bad - on the next blog.

If you are emailing – enter the Rowdy contest – see below…may as well make the email worth it.

Other than that, it’s been a hormonally charged day – shut up it has – I had to eat a packet of Tim Tams when I could not get the automatic windows in the new car to work. I finally broke down and read the manual to get them working…pesky buttons to push…what happened to winding them up and down?

Good news…I was offered another contract on a book so that was good. Always nice to know you don’t suck completely. I thought this would spur me on to finish the current book I am working on. It’s 98% finished and the characters are marking time until I get in the zone – or they work it out themselves.

On finishing - I absolutely love this song - click below. It’s from the seventies when I was a kid but every time I hear it I crank up the radio and sing at the top of my lungs and torture the neighbourhood, as I did this morning at 6am…sometimes ya just had to sing out it out baby and whose going to stop me?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0Rb3wdWHXw

www.amarindajones.com
www.amarindajones.blogspot.com
Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Characters…

-Who said I was in love?
-I did.
-Well...It's a sin and a shame,but I've got to admit it, I am.
- Who is he?
- What does that matter?
-It's not unnatural that I have some curiosity.
-He's absolutely nothing. A character straight from Characterville.

From How to Marry a Millionaire

A burn notice is an official statement issued by one intelligence agency to other agencies. It states that an individual or a group is unreliable for one or more reasons or purposes.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burn_notice

I don’t watch too much television mainly due to there being not much of any interest on that appeals to me and I don’t have the time. But then who does? But I do like TV shows with quirky characters. You know the ones I mean – the flawed, crazy people who are genuinely funny and identifiable because they are so ordinary and average and they stuff up things just like normal people should, Oh sure, they get what they want in the end but it’s their crazy journey that always appeals to me. I love Burn Notice. Have you watched it? I am hooked. I think the characters are wonderfully quirky and I think if I could write characters with even a tenth of that quirkiness I would be happy.

Writers – what is with them huh? They never seem to be happy with their characters but I think that’s a good thing. I think it shows that they are thinking about their readers, the mood of the general reading audience and they are striving to be better with each book. I believe writers who think that they are ‘all that’ and ‘expert’ probably aren’t – no one is. Sure confidence is good but knowing when to pull your head in and shut up and learn from experience is better. I actually have a hard time believing I am a writer - an author - I don’t see it as a title that fits me. But then, I’m not into titles. What do I call myself if not a writer/author? I’m me – it's worked so far.

I think it’s really hard to build a character on paper and then sell other people on it. There is so much to think about – looks, manner and how they react to the other characters. Are they secondary characters? Are they going to overwhelm the heroine and hero? Do you have to pull them back? Or are they people that just wander on and off and make you smile or wonder if they will be in the next book? While I like quirky characters I don’t deliberately set out to make them quirky. I try and write the characteristics of people I know and then expand on them. Sometimes you get it right – sometimes you don’t - frustration thy name is writer or me…whichever.

I was recently speaking to a writer who told me all her characters were very funny. Hmmm, I think that’s a big call to make. Why? Who judges what is funny? What she or I think is funny others won’t. I cannot imagine deliberately trying to write humour in a book. How hard would that be? You would have to be incredibly certain of your comedic talents. Think of all the stand up comics that bomb on stage. I love comedians like

Billy Connelly and Dylan Moran. Their humour to me is quirky and unforced. That’s a real talent. But how do you force humour into a book and make it look natural? Is it experience? Talent? Sheer confidence? And what happens if people don’t see it as funny? Do you learn a lesson and move on and just write without worrying about humour or do you think some people have no sense of humour?

Then there’s sex – what a minefield that is. How many ways can a character have sex in an erotic romance? The answer? Lots. It’s all about imagination. So you have to think about the possibility of trying to be amusing, the gymnastics of toe curling sex and what adventure you set these characters on. Do they have any special skills or do they bumble along? Do they have to thwart evil and can you even write evil convincingly? And while all that is happening you have to deal with your own, real life.

Yep, it’s hard building a person. Why do we do it? Hmmm…but I will let you in on a little secret. I personally believe people who write books are insane. Tell no one…or maybe the next 5 people you see…up to you.

Back to TV, just saw the best the best thing on The Bold and The Beautiful. You're probably all way ahead in episodes but I walked in from after work to discover Katie Logan had been shot by her brother and is on artificial life support. The characters were all crying because of the 'there was no hope' bit – but wait - there is one - if they could do a heart transplant to save her life. Of course you know where the heart will come from. Also interestingly enough, Brooke's ex-husband- Nick -brother to Ridge(also an ex-husband) and now fiancé is apparently in love with Brooke’s sister even though Brooke's daughter is Nick's ex-wife and she still loves him even though Brooke herself is still trying to decide between Nick and Ridge because Nick's son is her maternal child even though she did not give birth to it because Taylor - Ridge's ex-wife and also Nick’s ex-wife gave birth to the child. I like watching Bold as my life is so seems so beautifully uncomplicated in comparison.

"You were born an original. Don't die a copy." --unknown

www.amarindajones.com
Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Rave on…

Dear Amarinda,
this is your horoscope for Thursday, May 1st:
Scorpio,
Something is not going right at home and it is probably due to your lack of attention. At work, today will be completely different from usual. In Love, your relationship will be more intense.

…lots of things are not right at home – it’s a frigging madhouse due to lack of attention. Who has time any more?
… hmm…work will be “completely different from usual” – oh crap – I hope I’m not expected to work as I was not planning on that today…most annoying if that happens. I really only go there to use the photocopier/printer and get paid.
…"your relationship will be more intense” – that’s it, I will buy the chocolate ice cream I was craving and not the low fat cheesecake flavoured yogurt. That stars have spoken.

I received this nice email today from a lady who had read one of my books. She said “I wish like I could write like you.” Well, no one can – now before you think ‘my, isn’t Amarinda up herself’ – well I am – self esteem is good – what I mean is no one
writes like anyone else do they? And indeed why should they? If they did then no one would buy books and you would never have heard of all the great e-book and print writers there are. So my point is, and I have one somewhere, is that anyone can write. It does not require being any smarter, funnier or more meaningful than anyone else. I believe it all comes down to putting pen to paper, life experience and the nerve to submit a book and await word of whether it sucks or not.

The ‘suck ‘ bit doesn’t sound encouraging does it? But I think you have to be prepared for the polite you suck email. If you’re not then it can hit you hard when you get a rejection. When I get contracts for books now – got offered one yesterday - I am still amazed. Why? Well, I never set out to be a ‘writer’ or an ‘author.’ In many ways I still don’t think of myself as being in either of those categories – I think they sound a bit high faluting to me. I am me and shall remain thusly until I snuff it. And no, I am certainly not the shy, modest type who believes she is undeserving because I believe I deserve a bloody lot. However, I am patently aware that what you want and what you get are two different things and you have to remain a realist at all times. When I submit a manuscript I do
not expect it will automatically get the nod. How pretentious would that be? So I consider myself more a realist than a writer and I trade on that and life experience when I thump out a book on the keyboard.

I was never one of those people who knew from an early age what I would grow up to be. Were you? Tell us all. I personally had no plans or goals. I havered between being an actor, an artist, a teacher (for a second and a half) and a someone who just bummed around (very successful at this one). The one thing I really wanted to do was travel. And I did. At 19 I set out by myself to work in London. People told my mother I was mad. How can she do that all alone? My mother’s response was her children had the ability to do anything and she expected I would succeed in everything I did as we were descended from the Kings of Scotland. Grandma Elsie would have added that we have ‘Viking blood’ and those two words alone were enough to mean we are invincible. Yes, we’re very shy and modest in the Jones family.

So what the hell is this post all about? I don’t know – maybe it’s about being prepared to have a go, take a chance and to put your words out there and see if you get a contract or whatever it is you want. Maybe it’s about accepting that while person A may think you suck, person B may not. Maybe it’s about believing that you are just as good as any other published writer out there, and more than likely you are better, so take a chance and submit. Maybe it’s about not setting goals and just going where fate pushes you. Could just possibly by that I’m just rambling after a long day at work.

Okay, just being a bitch for a moment – I can actually be a bitch for longer – perky people – what is it with them? Are they born squeaky, sparkly cutie-pie pukeably annoying or is it a habit they develop? Is it nurture or nature? Why do I ask? There is this exceptionally Carol-Brady-type-perky person I have to deal with. The bitch within me thinks this unspeakable cutesy pie act is a just that – a put on to drive the jaded and cynical – moi – to the point of wincing. Honestly, my eye twitches violently when I have to deal with her. If it’s a natural thing, I can only thank fate my ancestors were born smart arse realists and managed to pass that genetic trait on. Clearly they avoided mating with the overly wholesome. So what is it about these perky people? Are they like aliens that have been slotted into society to divide and conquer? Because some people like the perkiness and respond accordingly. Could it be like a perky cult? They infiltrate society and try and collect those who are easy to turn to perkiness and then they report back to the mother ship how many they have managed to make friends with. The mother ship then collates the info from perky people all over the world. I truly believe Earth will be invaded one day by a huge wave of perkiness and it will only be people like myself who will be on the outer fighting the perkiness. I tell ya, they worry me. They talk perky, dress perky – this one even sneezes perkily – which everyone thinks is ‘so cute’ and all I can think is ‘you’re all doomed.’ Maybe I should stockpiling alcohol and chocolate now so when the invasion happens I’ll survive.

So there it is or in my case was – Thursday – hallelujah and pass the gin tomorrow is Friday in Oz and Monday is the Labor day holiday in Queensland. Of course May Day or Labor day has communist origins…whatever…give me a day off and I’ll go along with whatever you want to believe comrade.

Anny and Kelly are doing the Anny and Kelly gig as they do...go read, learn, wonder, shake your head and watch put for the terminally perky. They’re out for world domination.

www.freewebs.com/amarindajones/
Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Romance writers – what’s the story?

Writers are strange. You knew that? Of course you did. Anyone that sits and transcribes the voices in their head while surrounded by empty chip packets, lets all the phone calls go to the answering machine and looks pissed off when you want to talk to them when they are listening to those voices is a writer. Of course I can only talk about romance writers. They are an interesting breed. I have been doing this writing gig for a year or so –and I believe I have formed a pretty good idea of the species known as the Romance writer…

Miss Me-Me – this is the writer who believes her books are the only ones worth reading and if everyone does not agree with her then she does not want to deal with them. She inflicts her staunch opinions about writing on everyone whether they want to know or not. She turns up at chats and does not share the limelight but tries to steals it because she refuses to see anyone else. You and I know its basic insecurity but they do themselves no favours.

Miss Vote for Me – they usually start off their infrequent emails with “I have just nominated myself to win best something-or-other-of-the-year award. Please go immediately to XYZ website and vote for me.” My understanding is other people should nominate you - but I could have that wrong. Also ballot box stuffing seems rather pointless to me.

Miss Insincerity – this one is tricky. They are ever so sweet to your face or via email but they have an agenda, like everyone else, except they coat it in syrup and try and camouflage it with ‘golly gee, aren’t I such a sweetheart’ words as they try to get their own way because no one would suspect a ‘nice’ person doing something bad. They are fascinating people because you can play them at their own game.

Miss Scatterbrain – this is the writer who wants everyone to do everything for her as she is ‘too silly’ to do it herself. It’s an excellent strategy as most people are inclined to help others. It’s a good ploy but it wears thin. Time for a new strategy I think.

Miss Deep Undercover – no one must know her real identity because it would literally ruin her life. I find it sad that people cannot be themselves and they have to worry about what others think. Everyone knows I write erotic or romantica and no one bats an eye. Shame other people do not have the same freedom just to be.

Miss Prude – She believes real romance does not involve sex. Everyone is a virgin and no body parts are exposed or named. Penis or vagina shall not be mention let alone acted upon. If she does name the dreaded parts they are called things like his manhood or love muscle and she has a honeypot. Anyone that calls them anything else is perceived as just writing ‘trash.’

Miss Deviant – will write anything to get a book sold. The more out there and on the edge it is she will write it, churning them out once a week sometimes. In some ways I admire these people as they have absolutely no scruples in their aim to get ahead. However, as we all know, you can only sell your soul so far.

Where do I fall into those categories? I’m a pain the arse. I do what I want and I am not the sort to agree that the emperor looks lovely in his new clothes when he is actually butt ugly naked. What is my point here? Well, it’s that writers are real people. They are flawed. They are no better or worse than anyone else, they just choose to put their thoughts into print. I believe the old adage that everyone has a story in them. If you are thinking of writing a book – do it. Those who write now are no more special than someone who wants to write. You may just get published. I did and I’m no great shakes as a writer but I write what I know and I write as I speak. Be yourself. Have a go, and, if you get a rejection – so what – it just means some other publisher is meant to have your book. Come and join the world of romance writers…it will put hairs on your palms.

Earlier in the week I mentioned a story with a sword – do you remember? Nah? That’s okay, I almost forgot I was going to mention it as well. Anyway, what it was - I once got a comment back from ‘someone’ – please note, not my Editor - suggesting that I needed to stop using words like – get ready to avert your eyes if real words upset you – covered? Okay – not to use words like penis, cock and vagina. Okay, said I, the erotic romance writer, “what should I use?” The suggestions that came back for penis were – sword or weapon. Now, I don’t know about you but do you honestly want to read about the hero plunging into the heroine with his weapon or his sword? That’s gotta be less than romantic and I don’t think it’s going to end happily. As for what I could change the dreaded ‘v’ word to, the person had no suggestions other than maybe not mention ‘it’ so much. Okay, so where does he plunge his ‘sword/weapon’ into or do heroines simply have no opening between their legs? Most confusing. And I point blank refuse to use the ‘c’ word as it’s just tacky and derogatory. But that’s just me. So, just to change things around in my books, I may try using –

“He plunged his pointy, hard thing into her pit of no return.”
Or
“She looked longingly at his pointy, hard thing and wished the bloody romance writer had given her somewhere to put it.”
What do you think? Any suggestions? H?

Eternity

What could you spend an eternity doing? What is your passion? Your hunger? Your deepest desire? Each day beginning February 5 and running through February 14 one of the ten authors will complete the line, "My darling I could spend eternity…" on either their blog or website. Collect all ten answers and e-mail them to anny@annycook.com with Eternally Yours in the subject line to win some hot, romantic books. There will be three lucky Valentine winners.

The prizes –

1st prize--5 books

2nd prize--3 books

3rd prize--2 books

The books

Sandra Cox Silverhills
Mona Risk To Love a Hero
Brynn Paulin Tribute For the Goddess
Bronwyn Green Mystic Circle
Cindy Spencer Pape Stone and Earth
N.J. Walters Seduction of Shamus O’Rourke
Elyssa Edwards Mating Stone
Amarinda Jones Shades of Gray
Kelly Kirch Time for Love
Anny Cook Honeysuckle

Entries must be in by February 16 at midnight EST. All books and prize winners will be drawn randomly.

So, I am competing the line…get your pens ready….

"My darling I could spend an eternity with you doing the cooking, laundry and cleaning.”

I think it’s a beautiful sentiment for Valentine’s Day. May you be given the gift of a half naked male slave to cook, wash and clean for you. It’s my wish for all women…and men if so inclined.

Anny is probably being less scandalous on www.annycook.blogspot.com but I doubt it. As for Kelly, she is always one to make life interesting one www.kkirch.blogspot.com

www.freewebs.com/amarindajones/
Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?