So I went back to see the crazy lady Doc from the US. I know she’s from the US because she starts every second sentence with “In the US…” Anyway, today, I trusted her with a scalpel on my head to cut away what looks like a skin cancer. Living in Oz, skin cancer is not unusual and the sooner you deal with it the better. So I dealt with it. I have to say it was one of the more memorable ops I’ve had done on me. It started with us all trying to find her glasses that she swore were in the operating room but were in her handbag in her office. Then I lay down and she shoved a needle into my scalp and got ready to operate to remove said lump. Problem.
“You’ve got a hard head woman,” she said.
My response, “Are heads as hard as this in the US?”
“What are you doing for birth control?” She parried, as she cut into my scalp.
Me – “Am I at risk of getting pregnant right at this minute?”
“No, geez look at the blood – you should have told me you bleed a lot – and just because you’re 47 doesn’t mean you can’t get pregnant. Did you bring a hat?”
“What?”
“You gonna have a lot of blood in your hair. Got any metal on you?”
Me, the queen of wearing too much jewellery? “Why?”
“You’ll find out. Let’s cauterize nurse.”
At this stage I’m ripping my rings and earrings off and contemplating taking out my navel ring when I smell hair burning. “Am I on fire?”
“We’ll have to put stitches in and maybe we’ll make a hat for you from gauze and tie it under your chin.”
“Ah, that would be a no.”
“Allergic to iodine? Never mind, it’ll cover the grey hairs.”
“There’s always a bright side…”
“That and the blood will do it,” says the nurse who has been quietly standing by.
“Ooh, I know what we’ll do.” The Doc says. She grabs a can of liquid skin and sprays over the seeping blood and bloody stitches. “Are you sure you don’t want me to make a hat?”
At this stage I turn and see myself in the mirror and laugh my arse off. My hair is bloody and lacquered down with liquid skin and I couldn’t look worst but at least it was a moment to remember.
“’Gonna faint on me?” She barked out.
“This is Australia. We don't faint, we just swear a lot.”
“I need to see you in two days time.”
“I can hardly wait.”
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