Nipplese...

So, today I said to a friend that there was no way he would say ‘nipples’ in a serious, structured and formal conversation that was important. How did this come up? Well, you know, friends talk weird, random stuff about nothing sometimes. 

Anyway, I walked into the office later. He was doing a phone referee check on me – you know – saying how amazing, sweet, adorable, conscientious etc that I am and he used the nipple word very skilfully in the middle of a sentence without missing a beat. I doubt the person on the other end of the phone even noticed. That takes skill and a healthy dose of competitive madness. It also indicates that people often don’t listen to what others say and we could all be talking nipplese.      

Lick it...

So, I was sitting in a meeting today while a bunch of men crapped on about some boring twaddle and someone said something along the lines ‘ well, we can lick that’ assumingly meaning being able to beat a problem or something. I don’t know. I really wasn’t listening. I don’t  bring my ‘listening ears’ to work. I heard a 4 year old kid say that once. Good one, kid. But, when the word 'lick' came up I started to giggle as I recalled something completely inappropriate - and therefore excellent - a good friend said to me about licking. Yes, it was very naughty, terribly wrong, delightfully funny and in no way did it fit the situation I was in.That’s why I started laughing. 

'Just love inappropriate friends... 

Priceless...

I had lunch with a friend today. We didn’t go anywhere flash or exciting. It was just a back street eatery in a less than glamorous part of town but that didn’t matter. The company did. Having one person you can be yourself with – flaws and all – is priceless. Thank god for people who get us. Thank you friend.  

It’s farked…

So, I was driving back from my lunch break to work. I turned a corner and I heard crunch, bang, grind and something that sounded like I was dragging another car underneath my car….that, or an elephant on roller skates had somehow tried to limbo under the car and got stuck. I pulled over and got out of Verity, my car. I looked at her. She said nothing. I understood this because as a woman the extent of my knowledge of car troubles is no petrol and placing the keys into the hands of a mechanic to do whatever they do to fix stuff. Behind me a beaten up old car pulled up and two feral looking gentlemen came towards me. Greeeaaaat…just what I needed. The boys from Deliverance. But they had seen what happened and went to the front of the car and indicated I lift the hood as they reckoned the engine was ‘fucked’. At this time, a good friend passed by in his car and he stopped as well. I popped the hood after searching for the lever thingy - I forget where that is. Well, who uses it? The hood came up and the first two men said ‘she’s fucked the engine.’ She – being me. They peered further inside and said ‘she’s put a rod through the block’ and confirmed their first conclusion ‘it’s fucked.’ My friend agreed and said ‘she’s put a rod through the block.’ I pointed out to all three of them that I did no such thing and stop saying that. They didn’t. Apparently it’s bad to put rods into blocks – which I assume is the engine block. Fine. But it’s not my fault.

Anyway long story short, the car got towed under warranty and I have a loaner until they fix poor Verity, which means removing the engine and replacing it I believe. Apparently what happened to me is a one in a million thing. Naturally. I can’t win the lotto but I can have the rod through the block thing happen. Lucky. But I did get something out of this experience. When someone says a car is ‘fucked’ it generally is. And men speak a different mechanic language to women and I shouldn’t be offended by the ‘she did this or that.’ That’s just the way men are. And knights in shining armour can also appear in battered old cars and look like swamp rats. As for friends who stop in your time of need? Priceless. Thank you big time.

Help...

So, I got stuck in a flash flood yesterday and Verity, my car, died on me. Later many, many people would tell me it never floods in that part of the city. It does. It did. Been there. Done that. Have a cranky car to prove it. Anyway, I got me and the car out of the flood water by phoning a friend when my half arsed girl efforts to start the car failed. My friend turned up and told me what to do. It worked.

You know, sometimes you can’t do everything yourself. Yeah, I know. Freaking amazing concept but it’s true. I’m not good at asking for help but I did and it wasn’t hard as I thought it would be.

Thank you friend.

Need help? Ask. We would willingly rush to the aid of another yet when it’s our turn? We’re dumb about raising our hand.

Another huge lesson learned.

Men, sex and sidesaddle....

So, I was talking to a male friend and I mentioned something like ‘one of your girlfriends’ meaning one of the women you know and are friends with. I then discovered that ‘girlfriends’ to a man is different to girlfriends for a woman. Women can have female friends who we call our girlfriends. We chat to or have lunch with and are, in the simplest form of the word, friends. However men apparently view girlfriends completely differently because of attraction and sex. Girlfriends to a man are not platonic. A relationship is involved. A 'relationship' with a girlfriend involves sex or the need to find a way to have it. Okay, so what are women called who are just friends with a man? 'Friend.' Seemingly you don't have sex with friends. So women fall into two defined categories when it comes to men it appears. So what you say? My point is, and I do have one, is that if you are called a ‘girlfriend’ by a man and he isn’t, as far as you are aware, attracted to you are you missing some sign that he is - because let's face it men are harder to read than pukeable Pilgrim's Progress...not the Cliff Notes version....loved that...and then you have to work out what to do with what he feels for you. Or if you really like a man and are hoping for more and he calls you a ‘friend’ then do you just give up on what you feel for him?

Women – we have boyfriends, male friends, partners, husbands and lovers. You’re all likely to get a crack at having sex with us regardless what we call you…and you may also miss out on sex. We don’t split you into categories. We’re logical in our relationships. Sex? Yes. No. Maybe....there are no Cliff Notes when it comes to women. You're either lucky or not.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle. ~Rita Mae Brown

Toughening up…

I got an email from a friend that confused the hell out of me and frankly wounded me. Being misunderstood does that to you. Especially by friends. Some things just hit you from out of left field and it makes you realize how very little people know or understand you. Finding that out is a good thing. It toughens you up that little bit more. I need that every so often. I move on. Stronger, more wary but infinitely okay with who I am as a person.

Old friends...

I was talking to Katie, an old friend – I should clarify that – she’s 11 years younger than me – but oh, an old soul. I have a feeling we’ve met up in several lives and caused amazing havoc together. She hated me on sight and at the time my thoughts about her were something along the lines of ‘stick it in your ear, sister.’ But that changed when we recognized the potential in the other. Anyway, no matter how long since we last spoke, it’s like it was only yesterday. Doncha love people like that? You don’t need to explain yourself or ask them questions. You both just get each other. Priceless. And the battles we fought together – most were righteous but some? Just because we could – I love a good stousch. Count me in.

I was thinking about good, real friends and those we can count on and I realized I could tick them off on the fingers of one hand. I mentioned this to someone else and they agreed. Strange how out of the thousands of people we meet only a handful who we trust. Funny old world.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.” ~ unknown

Phone a friend...

I had this moment yesterday at work when a lot of pukeable things all hit at once and it took every ounce of strength I had not to tell them to go forth and multiply aka fuck off. Anyway, I sucked it up as best I could and I started, once more, to plot an escape plan out of that job. Why? Because I’m worth way more than dealing with idiots. Unfortunately there are beaucoup idiots in business.

Anyway I was down, but not out, and contemplating my next move when a friend called. Just when you think that there’s not a soul on the planet that understands how you think, a simple phone call can make a huge difference in the direction you take and it can put the wind back into your sails. Thank you friend.

I remember you...

So, I stumbled across an old school friend. We both attended Centenary Heights High School in the 80’s – stop counting on your fingers – I’m 47. I saw something about this high school on facebook which connected to another page and a bunch of people I remembered but only a couple I would want to see again. High school was never important to me and I’ve always said I could have gotten along just as well without it. The only thing I learnt at high school was how to ditch Wednesday arvo sport without anyone realizing it for the two years I didn’t bother to show up to it. I worked at McDonalds on those afternoons and that money got me overseas when I was 19 which was a way better education.

Anyway I came across a name of someone who wasn’t at the school long and left before I did and I thought I’d like to see what she’s up to. So I sent a note of ‘do you remember me?’ She did and we chatted on email and will catch up via phone and when I’m back down south. So what this tells me about high school – nothing other than if you’re lucky you’ll be simpatico with one person at school and the best way to bunk off sport on a Wednesday arvo is do it out in the open because that’s when people least expect it.

Thar be rocks...

…a very good friend came round and helped me barrow load rocks from the front of the house to the back of the house. That’s true friendship when a friend sweats for you. I’m not allowed to say thank you so I’ll say ‘merci beaucoup, je suis un rockstar' to my muscle-bound friend instead.

So, I have rocks and tomorrow I shift them around in between setting pavers in place. I was going to do it today but I got side-tracked with hibiscus plants…as you do…never a dull moment at my house, XH.

Ignorance is piss…

Recently a good friend told me that she was treated like crap by a professional woman while attending a business function. The professional woman who is higher up the corporate food chain and was used to treating those below her like crap kept calling my friend by her incorrect name. Constantly. You know the type of person – they do that to belittle, bully and make others feel inferior. My friend is a nice, even tempered soul who harms no one and frankly is not a threat yet she was subjected to this harassment because this bitch sensed an easy non-combatant target and decided to wound with her ignorance. I get that this corporate cow basically has no manners, class and somewhere buried deep in her psyche she is an insecure sod who gets some sort of strength by bullying others. Ask her about the misuse of names and she’ll say she ‘is terrible with names’ Me too. I take every chance I get to do the same to her and drive her crazy by other means. Childish? Maybe but fuck her I say. Don’t piss around with my friends.

Anybody but a naked body…

I have this rule…well, not really a rule as I’m not big on rules...so let’s call it something I do when it comes to accepting friends on Facebook. As long as you are not naked in your profile photo or send me naked pictures of yourself – i.e. naked men who really should be wearing clothes because in their case clothes do maketh the man and there are only specific men I want to see naked - then we can be Facebook friends. I’ve met so many fascinating people on Facebook who I correspond with regularly and I like to sit in the morning and read about what everyone is doing over my coffee. It’s like a global newspaper. I mention the Amarinda-accept-no-naked-friends-clause as a person I actually am acquainted with in my life called me yesterday and said ‘I’ll send it to your Facebook email address.’ He had to point out to me that I had accepted his friendship the other day. Okay – yep – I checked. I did accept it because he wasn’t naked. See? Clothed males I accept without qualms. I just have to slow down and pay more attention.

Why the Monkees? I heard this song yesterday and I remembered how much I liked it...simple as that.

Amarinda Jones
Penn Halligan
www.amarindajones.com
www.amarindajones.blogspot.com
Be daring...read an Amarinda book