From work me…

Hmmm…I’ve sent a message from my work email to my home email. I think its good work email is given to us to do things like that. You know - email friends, sending reminders home to yourself etc. Anyway I’ve just opened my personal, home email and there’s a reminder from work me. ‘SL PL’ is in the subject field. Huh? I opened the email up. There’s nothing else but SL PL. What was work me thinking? It had to be something good and relevant because some of my best thoughts come at work when I’m wasting time. But SL PL? What the?  Home me has no idea what drugs work me was on when I wrote that. Sloppy plankton? Silly pillock? Slam polyester? Shimmering plonk? Skippy planks? I dunno. I’ve sent an email back to work me suggesting, in future, I make sense at work. I know work me will laugh my arse off when I read that.   

The arvo email…

We have a critical situation that needs to be rectified immediately. Please advise immediate course of action to avoid catastrophe.
Is it really critical?
Well, pretty critical.
Catastrophe?
Sorta – well, they think so.
They?
It’s a pushy woman.
Oh, her. Can it wait until next week?
Sure. I don’t want to interrupt you guys if you’re busy.
Yeah, we have a couple of meetings tomorrow and I’m away for a couple of days after that.
Going somewhere nice?
Nope, just lazing around at home.
Okay, well, this can wait.
Are you sure?
Yeah, it’s only pretty critical – not like its super critical.
Well, yeah, super critical could be done but pretty critical is well, just pretty…you know?
Yeah. Let ‘em wait.
Er hello? I’m cc’d on the email.
Oh
Oh
So I’m thinking this needs to be rectified now as worlds will indeed collide. While I understand there is protocol, havering, corporate bullshitting, work avoidance and navel gazing involved and clearly I’m not high enough up the food chain to understand this at your level, all I can say is please do what I want now.
We can do it tomorrow 

Yeah, we planned to do it tomorrow.
Of course you did.      

Cheer, followed by going home….

So, I got this this work email today of scenarios of what the office would do in the case of five different scenarios. It was a long document with intense instructions that looked like they would take a lot of time to read through. Oh hard. I’m not good with instructions so I skimmed them. Essentially, three pages of corporate bumpf came down to these questions:

1. Police halt access to the office and advise no entry for 48 hours. What do you do? 
Cheer, followed by going home.

2. What action would you take if the computer network was down and unlikely to come back up for 24 hours? 
Cheer, followed by going home.

3. No electricity? Your course of action is? 
Cheer, followed by going home.

4. Car crashes into the building making work impossible due to damage. Your immediate response? Cheer, followed by going home.

5. There is a siege outside the front door of the office. Cheer - use the back door - followed by going home.

I mean, come on. Seriously? Who makes up these dumb arsed questions and what response do they expect from plebs? Well, gee, I would stick around for 24-48 hours, outside the office, dodging possible bullets waiting for the glorious moment I would be allowed back into the office, no matter if it was midnight or raining, to do my work because I’m just that damn dedicated.

Corporate people – justifying their existence through crap, useless documents.    

Zombie free zone...

So, every zombie called in sick today at work. On a Monday. To be honest, being the only one in the office was like a normal working day because the zombies never speak unless they are in fear of missing out on free food.

The world’s second most boring man, let’s call him Lester, who is in the Sydney corporate office and I do not answer to in any way, shape or form, called me, to justify his existence, after I sent the email to Sydney advising I was the only one in the office today.

Lester: - So, no one but you is in the office?

Me: - Correct

L:- So, zombie one isn’t there?

Me: - No

L:-Is zombie two also away?

Me:- Yes, did you read my email?

L:- Yes I did. Is zombie three there?

Me: - Did I write that he was on the email? I wrote no one in the office but me. By no one I mean not a soul, nada but for me, on my Pat Malone, bugger all, zombie free.

L:- I wasn’t sure when you said everyone was away that you meant the whole office.

Me:- Uh huh

L: So, no one’s coming in?

Me:- No Lester

L: - So, it’s just you?

Me: - Correct

L: - No one else is expected in?

Me: - Is there a point to this conversation Lester?

L:- what do you mean?
Me:- what do you want, Lester?
L:- just checking who’s in.
Me: - dead silence
L:- So, you’re not expecting anyone in.
Me: - dead silence
L:- So, it’s just you?
Me: - Bye Lester

Reply email from Lester. “Thank you for your email advising the absences in the office. Please advise when the staff come in to work today.”

Fuckwit.

Neville Nerd...

So, I rang Neville Nerd – the head high poo-pah doo-dah manager type person who lurks in the big smoke of Sydney. Now, Neville is always too busy and important to speak to me over the phone or via email so when he answers he cuts me short due to his magnificence before I can say anything. This time I cut him off before he could indicate his god-like status to me.  I told Neville there was a problem in the making and explained what. He said ‘I see no problem.’ I said, okay, no worries then. He was quiet for a moment before asking what the problem was. I told him ending with ‘a bullet can be dodged or it can be slammed into someone’s arse.’  That wouldn’t be my arse because I’m just a lowly Office Manager. It would be his – which I would enjoy seeing.

So, Neville said ‘send an email to everyone.’ Now, Neville is particularly anal and needs to see all emails that go out ‘to everyone.’ I said I would write it and send it on to him to do his anal checking. He said ‘I’m too busy to read it.’ Okay, I said in that way that indicates I could write anything in that email while running with scissors. He decided then to dictate an email over the phone. ‘Send that off.’ I did.  Two minutes later he rang and said ‘Why did you send that? It could be misconstrued.’ I pointed out they were his words.   He was quiet and then said ‘do you think people will read it the wrong way?’ I said, I couldn’t say. I nearly said Fucking hell nitwit, it’s nearly knock off time. People could read it upside down while swallowing a knife and patting a croc and I wouldn’t care right now.

He then dicktated…er dictated another one and he said ‘what do you think of that?'I said I would send it. ‘But what to you think?' My response, if you’re happy with it then that’s all that’s required. There was a lot of silence then because I freaked him out, as I wanted to, due to non-committal I’m-just-a-dumb-woman stuff. I may be a nobody in the company but I’m an expert at playing with people’s minds especially in upper management.  Did it get sent? Yep. He ended the call with ‘I’m very busy please don’t ring again.’ Fair enough. I understand that. I had to stop writing at my desk to deal with a boring work problem. We all have crosses to bear.     

Too secret for you...

I got an email today at work –

From: Neville Nerd
Sent: Friday, January 11, 2013 12:29 PM
To: Amarinda Jones
Subject: Confidential


Hi Amarinda

About the thing that‘s about to happen. Please don’t tell anyone.


From: Amarinda Jones
Sent: Friday, January 11, 2013 12:31PM
To: Neville Nerd
Subject: FW: Confidential

What thing?


From: Neville Nerd
Sent: Friday, January 11, 2013 12:35 PM
To: Amarinda Jones
Subject: FW: Confidential

The spreadsheet.


From: Amarinda Jones
Sent: Friday, January 11, 2013 12:39 PM
To: Neville Nerd
Subject: FW: Confidential

I didn’t get it so it’s unlikely I could tell anyone.


From: Neville Nerd
Sent: Friday, January 11, 2013 12:42 PM
To: Amarinda Jones
Subject: FW: Confidential

Okay – just so you know not to say anything about it.


From: Amarinda Jones
Sent: Friday, January 11, 2013 12:47 PM
To: Neville Nerd
Subject: FW: Confidential

About it?


From: Neville Nerd
Sent: Friday, January 11, 2013 12:52 PM
To: Amarinda Jones
Subject: FW: Confidential

Yes.



From: Amarinda Jones
Sent: Friday, January 11, 2013 12:54 PM
To: Neville Nerd
Subject: FW: Confidential

So essentially I’m not to tell anyone about a spreadsheet I did not get because like me they're not supposed to know that I don't have it.

From: Neville Nerd
Sent: Friday, January 11, 2013 13:01 PM
To: Amarinda Jones
Subject: FW: Confidential

That would be appreciated.


From: Amarinda Jones
Sent: Friday, January 11, 2013 13:06 PM
To: Neville Nerd
Subject: FW: Confidential

But if someone asks about the thing I don’t know about who would I put them through to who would know about the thing? 



From: Neville Nerd
Sent: Friday, January 11, 2013 13:08 PM
To: Amarinda Jones
Subject: FW: Confidential

Take a message.

From: Amarinda Jones
Sent: Friday, January 11, 2013 13:09 PM
To: Neville Nerd
Subject: FW: Confidential

About the thing?



From: Neville Nerd
Sent: Friday, January 11, 2013 13:11 PM
To: Amarinda Jones
Subject: FW: Confidential

Yes.

From: Amarinda Jones
Sent: Friday, January 11, 2013 13:13 PM
To: Neville Nerd
Subject: FW: Confidential

And send it to who?

From: Neville Nerd
Sent: Friday, January 11, 2013 13:16 PM
To: Amarinda Jones
Subject: FW: Confidential

It's a need to know. Thank you for your assistance in this.