## Friday, 31 August 2012

### Penguins...

So I was bored shitless at work and I was chatting on email to a colleague who was also bored but she’d never say 'bored shitless' because she’s an ex-school teacher-come Snow White in waiting. Instead she sent me stuff that she had been doing to keep alert. Apparently we’re supposed to be alert at work. Who knew?

She sent me a series of Mensa Puzzle Challenges.

Question 1

1. Peter is travelling on a train that left the station at 1pm and is heading due West at 50 kph. John’s train left at 1:10pm and is heading East at 60kph. If their destinations are 100km apart what time will the 2 trains pass each other?

a) 1:00pm

b) 1:25pm

c) 2:00pm

d) 2:17:23pm

e) None of the above

f) Any of the above

g) Some of the above

h) All of the above

or

(i) who gives a crap

The minute I see a puzzle like this I instantly hear white noise and put the blinders on. I never got to question two. www.mensa.org.au/puzzle-answers

“Try not to think about penguins…this is especially hard, because by trying too much,  you're remembering what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about penguins anyway.”

Uh huh….makes you wonder what penguins think about when bored.

## Thursday, 30 August 2012

### Walk a mile…

I had a moment at work yesterday when the Business Manager said to me, as I was busy changing my new year’s hotel booking on the Cairns Esplanade – I figured I was worth a fantastic view of the fireworks over the Coral Sea and Trinity Bay and doing all this at work made sense because I had access to my bookers account, where I get rewards for booking travel and discounts and basically because I have too many other important things to do at home…you see the point don’t you? Of course you do. Anyway, so the manager person, who is going to get his bell to ring to generate ‘excitement’ in the office but little does he know it’s tiny because he’s a tight wad and he went for the cheapest bell, which was also the smallest  - tiny in fact – and I could have pointed that out to him but I didn’t want to because I want to see the “excitement” in his face  when the eeny, weeny, nimiscule bell turns up…where was I? Oh yes, the point is…he said to me ‘we need to get the cleaner to do all this extra work  while she’s here.’ I like the cleaner. She’s a battler and the salt of the earth and there’s no bloody way I would make her work extra without the extra dosh (money). Anyway, I spoke to her agency and explained what bell ringer boy wanted and they named an exceptionally reasonable price. I told Quasimodo (bell ringer boy) and he arced up (stamped his feet and pouted) because he is, as stated, a tight wad. He insisted she do it for nothing. Not on my watch.

Here’s the thing with a lot of white collar workers – they have no concept of the wages and conditions of blue collar workers because they’ve never had to put themselves in a place where they have lesser paying job, that’s not glamorous, just to pay the rent and in many cases barely feed themselves. I say walk a mile in someone else’s shoes and then decide if you would do even more for even less.

## Tuesday, 28 August 2012

### That which does not kill you, needs to be hidden...

So, a friend of mine’s philosophy is if you have body issues you place mirrors anywhere you may see yourself naked. My philosophy on this is sometimes too much information can kill you.

 “One's philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes ... and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility.” Eleanor Roosevelt

## Monday, 27 August 2012

### Warning….‘F’ word use and not just cause it’s Monday…

Origin:
1495–1505; akin to Middle Dutch fokken to thrust, copulate with, Swedish dialect focka to copulate with, strike, push, fock penis.

I do find it interesting that ‘fuck’ is a swear word if you’re angry with someone/thing yet when an erotica author puts it in a story with one of the partners using it in a sexual sense it’s acceptable. Anger versus making love…makes you wonder how we drew that conclusion.  Make love not war? Fucked if I know…

## Sunday, 26 August 2012

### So restless of late...

 “When people shake their heads because we are living in a restless age, ask them how they would like to live in a stationary one and do without change” George Bernard Shaw

## Friday, 24 August 2012

### A third of a pencil...

We had a lot of stock in the office that was brand new and had been sitting around for 2-3 years before I arrived. I asked lots of charities did they want it? The answer was no – or no answer at all. Ever persistent, I came across a Cairns school teacher gathering goods for some island villages in Papua New Guinea. He was more than happy to take the 500 odd new shirts and assorted stationery that was of no use to us. He gave me a CD that chronicled the work they were doing in PNG. You know, I watched it and I thought to myself “how bloody lucky are we?” We bitch and moan because we can’t have the latest gadget or we have to budget for bills or we lust for more or waste our money on crap. But these island people? They have nothing but extremely basic living conditions that most of us would refuse to deal with and yet they do so without complaining. Imagine what it would be like to live in a very rudimentary hut? To have one pencil broken in three pieces so three school kids could use their bit for a year. A whole year. Could you imagine someone who wanted to be a writer carefully conserving that pencil?  And clothes? Basic. Very.

You want to complain about what you don’t have? Think again about those who have nothing and decide whether you have the right to complain.

## Thursday, 23 August 2012

### Ask. Research. Bug the hell out of people…

So, I’m waiting to see what happens in the ongoing Noble Romance Publishing–will-they-pay-me-all-the-royalties-they-have-failed-to-for-frigging-yonks? I got several emails yesterday from them, which is unusual, because other than blaming the person that left Noble in a bugger of a mess, they have avoided speaking to me or many other authors at all. Word is they will only speak to the obedient, suck up authors. I should point out, firstly, that’s not me and this ‘word’ has not stopped me emailing them. My personal belief is just because someone ignores you it doesn’t mean you stop doing what you know is right for you – and this gets to the point of this blog. Publishing – epublishing especially – because any bugger on the planet can set up an epublishing company online – is a messy business. To be honest, you can’t trust anyone but yourself when it comes to your rights in it.

• Look and learn from other authors. Noble isn’t the only epublisher with crapaciousness going on.

• Read author blogs. Email those authors and ask what they think of a publisher. A decent author will give an honest opinion.

• Look at the publisher’s website. Check out the names of the people listed on their ‘who are we/info’ page and google them to see if they are made up people. Yeah. It happens.

• Check out the authors. Heard of any of them? No? Probably a bad sign. Yes, everyone has to make a name for themselves but ask yourself do you want your work going to a place where there is not a single author you have heard of? If you see an author name you know – email. Ask their opinion. Most authors will not screw another author over. I say most. There are exceptions of course.

• Check out who owns the company. What do they know of publishing?

• Go to the 3rd party distributors and see where they are ranked in sales.

• Talk to readers – who are they buying from? Readers are smart and they will form allegiances to epublishers they believe in and trust.

• If an epublisher sounds sus in their emails to you then they probably are. Don’t be dazzled by promises.

• Trust your gut instinct before signing a contract. You may be desperate to get your work out there but think ahead a couple of years – will you be desperate to get it back?

I started in this game – and it is that – 6 years ago. If I knew all this back then…but that’s a moot point. Ask. Research. Bug the hell out of people…it's your rights at stake.

## Wednesday, 22 August 2012

### Privileged....

So, I walked into work and pointed to the manager and said, I need to talk to you. Yeah, I was pissed about something he had said and me, being me, wasn’t gonna let it go until I had said what was on my mind. Anyway, he sat down and I told him what I thought and then waited for him to speak. His response? “I acknowledge what you say and I feel very privileged that you are direct enough to share your feelings on this matter.” No, he wasn't taking the piss. He actually speaks like that hence the reason he does my head in on a daily basis. He then said "Blah, blah, blah-de-blah-lollipop-twinkle-toes-snow-cone-wanker-bell-ringing-fest-let's dance with pixies." Or something like that. Sometimes I wonder if I've walked into one of my stories...and yes, he is being written into the next one. Luckily real life inspires me.

## Tuesday, 21 August 2012

### True love stuff...

So, I was listening to the car radio on the way home from work and the question that came up was does having your heart smashed to pieces by someone you thought loved you make you more likely to recognize true love when you see it? This all came about because they were talking to men who wanted to find partners and they were trying to figure out what was wrong with them. Firstly, I would say you’re on radio spilling your guts about personal stuff to people who wonder why you’re spilling your guts about personal stuff on radio. Why do you reckon people do that?  Getting all angsty, overly emotional and soppy in front of hundreds of people seems like a dumb thing to do unless you’re a writer and then say no more. Writers are strange. Secondly, I would say that broken hearted people, desperately seeking true love, either jump on the next person in desperation or they stay the hell away from getting hurt again because sometimes it just ain’t worth the pain.

Does true love exist? Or do we just want to believe in happily ever after so badly because we’re too scared to be alone? Do movies, TV and romance novels set people up with the illusion of true love when in theory it’s just a myth made up to sell films, books, chocolates and flowers? And if true love really does exist why it isn’t equal for all? Why can’t everyone have it? What’s the deal there? True love could then by called elitist, unobtainable and all these people wanting to find it so badly may just be spitting in the wind.

I reckon love is speculative and what you want it to be. I reckon two people meet, have stuff in common and decide to take a punt on each other. That’s about as true as it gets. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. It’s just another shoulder shrug moment.

## Monday, 20 August 2012

### Mondays...

…you’re fat or thin, ugly or blah, short, tall, restless, complacent, tired, wired, bored, hyped up, sinister, spinster, married, depressed, everything is yuck or fucked or no ones getting fucked and why is that?  Because it’s Monday and too much is suspicious and not enough is a shame and breakfast seems all too hard yet is it the most important meal of the day and oh shut up I’ll eat when I’m hungry, I’m in charge of me although the universe has other thoughts, what to wear? Do I care? Green eggs and ham, what’s with a cat wearing a hat? Money is the root of all evil, come make me real evil, ask me again why the paper towels are an inch to big but see, I thought men were all about being bigger? Is there a point to life? Is that a point on the top of your head?  Are you an alien? Do aliens have Monday issues? Negativity? Positivity? Ice-cream delivered on a hourly bases by half naked tattooed men. That’s what I need to get through Monday. Actually just the ice-cream magically appearing on my desk – not close enough that I put my elbow into it – and the men can be sent to my home to finish the chook house which is why I should stay at home today because it’s Monday and sickies should be encourage even though Tuesday is apparently is the most popular day to take off but I say to hell with being popular. Do I have a bad attitude towards Monday? Yes and shut up. It's my attitude and I'll attitude if I want to.  And, and I haven’t even got to work yet….bring on Tuesday…hmmm…I may be sick…

## Saturday, 18 August 2012

Socia Black has a past she’s not proud of. She believes that only through pain can she find redemption. Hadrian, a warrior, who once was on the side of the Angels, knows he is fated to be with Socia. He just needs to break down the wall she hides behind.

But the confusion of love is not their only problem. A time lord, a gorgon and a two hundred year old dead man stand in their way.
* * * * *

Socia landed with a thud on top of hard, male flesh. She gasped out loud as she tried to catch her breath. She felt like she had been spun around in a washing machine. Her head pounded and her heart raced.  When she had grabbed hold of Hadrian’s arm and followed him through the time portal, she hadn’t been thinking of anything else other than knowing she was meant to be at his side, at that moment.

“Bloody hell,” Hadrian flung his head back and groaned, one arm wrapping around Socia’s waist. “I feel like I’ve been kicked by elephants.”

She rested against the solid, warm bulk of muscle beneath her for several minutes. There was only silence now. Before, as they whirled through time and space, the cacophony of sound which tore at her ears had made Socia scream. To hear the cries of terror coming from her own lips was frightening. She was not one who scared easily. But the rush through the time portal had slammed terror into her soul. Her eyes still ached from holding them closed against the violent flashes of neon yellow and vivid purple that had pounded at them. Socia sighed, her body sinking against his. His? What the— Her eyes snapped open. It was him. She wasn’t sure whether she should be alarmed or relieved.

“Let me go!” She slapped at his arm. It was so rigid with muscle, it felt like slapping side of beef.

“Hey, you landed on me, lady,” Hadrian pointed out, his arms dropping from around her body.

Socia pushed her hands on his chest to lever herself off from him. She knew her arms were shaking and it wasn’t just because of wild trip down the cosmic rabbit hole they had taken. “A gentleman wouldn’t have grabbed.” She swung one leg over and rolled off from him, landing flat on her back beside him.

“I’m not a gentleman.” Hadrian stretched his hands over his head and groaned. “You weigh a ton.”

“I do not!” She would have slapped him if she had the strength to lift her hand. “And that was a rude thing to say that.” Surprisingly Socia felt more hurt by that than any blow that had ever landed on her.

“I’m not known for my manners.”

“Evidently.”

## Friday, 17 August 2012

### Socks anonymous…

My name is Amarinda Jones and I do not match my socks.

Hello Amarinda…you slack arse you...

So, I have this friend who can’t or won’t or maybe, as I suspect, enjoys not grasping - because arguing can be fun - that I do not match my socks. It’s a pretty simple thing. Essentially I‘m lazy when it comes to folding laundry. I don’t bother hunting around matching stuff up. Whatever my hand falls on is what gets put with something of a similar natural – i.e. a sock is a sock is a sock and I don’t differeniate with colour. They are socks. They just are. I also, when I have a hole in the toe of a sock, no longer darn them. Yeah, I used to in the days when I was cash strapped. Now I just throw the sock out and I use it with another sock. Correct, they generally don’t match. Now, you can analyze that whichever way you think. It just happens. It would probably do Freud’s head in but there it is. I’m not big on conventionality.

So, sign me up for counseling on my sock issues and I may just show up with odd socks or not...it depends what's washed.

## Thursday, 16 August 2012

### The writer, the ex-spy, the innocent grandma and the sexpot...

So, I got author Anny Cook to read over a story of mine. One of her comments made me raise an eyebrow and shake my head. Only she would know stuff like rock salt bullets 'are available for shot guns'. I have always believed she was ex-CIA. She knows too much and only says just enough to make you wonder. Go check her out - www.annycook.com

## Wednesday, 15 August 2012

### Nuh...

I had a chat to an author just recently who said to me was I scared that going down the indie publishing track meant no epublisher would ever again take me on because I would be considered too much of a wild card? Nuh. Weak people get scared.

## Tuesday, 14 August 2012

### Don’t you sometimes….

…just want to run away from home and find adventure?

## Monday, 13 August 2012

### Of rabbits in tiaras…

“That proves you are unusual, returned the Scarecrow; and I am convinced the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. For the common folks are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed.” ~ Lyman Frank Baum quotes

"A wine hangover is the wrath of grapes" ~unknown

“If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.”

“Oh yes, well, I find myself unconventional everywhere.” ~ Anna Godbersen

"Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple" ~unknown

## Sunday, 12 August 2012

### Cosmic Voo Doo...

I got an email from a radio show asking that I consider spending X amount of money for X amount of time on air to discuss my tips on romance, dating and finding love. Yes, I’m sure many writers got the same email. While I wish that radio show luck, being a writer has nothing to do with being an expert on romance. 99% of the time we’re not. We’re no smarter with love than any other bugger on the planet. Yes, we may use our imagination more but in my opinion love is just a weird emotion that plays with your mind and to be successful at love is something that comes from within you and that speaks to another person and some other cosmic voo doo that no one can work out.

Some people never fall in love. Some people fall so madly into it that they stay with the one person forever. Others fall in love with someone they can never have. As I writer can I tell you why that happens? Nope. It just does. There is no advice I can give someone on romance other than to be yourself and do what feels right for you and if it never happens then get on with your life.

Again, love is weird. Genuinely like who you are first – you’re with yourself a long time - and worry about the rest later.

## Saturday, 11 August 2012

### Respectful reminder...

With respect, I ask you please do not buy any of the following stories from Noble Romance Publishing as they are so far behind in paying me royalties it's ridiculous :-

Take Me Make Me - Amarinda Jones

Do as I Say - Penn Halligan

Sex on a Stick - Penn Halligan

Always You - Penn Halligan

Thank you

yours in appreciation

Amarinda/Penn

## Friday, 10 August 2012

### Boob-consumed...

I don’t understand why women get so het up and over emotional about men looking at other women. They’re gonna do it. Making an issue out of it makes it worse. And asking them ‘why are you looking at her?’ I believe nailing jelly to the wall would be less angst ridden and who needs the non-creative
excuses that if you had to scorecard them you would give the poor dears a 2 out of 10. Men look. That’s the way their brains work. Ooh look – boobs. Ooh, look more boobs. Ooh, look – are they boobs? You gotta feel a tad sorry really. Their minds are boob-consumed. This is why women are the stronger sex. We have boobs and therefore we have the power...as it should be.

## Thursday, 9 August 2012

### What's behind the door?

Swerve stood looking at the red door. It was a door, but not a door. At first sight there was nothing remarkable about the Bungalow Post office in Cairns. It had the standard red mail box out the front and people were coming and going doing business. A normal person wouldn’t have stood and looked at the red door like Swerve did. But then few people considered Swerve normal. He didn’t care. Normality was for the boring and those who cared little about what went on around them. But Swerve cared. He cared a lot and the red door was a problem.

Outside a dozen rows of business mail boxes stood a prefabricated metal wall. It was there to protect the boxes from the elements. In the wall were two red doors. They were spaced ten feet apart. One door went from floor to ceiling and had a standard round metal knob. The other did not. It was a half door. It started at the top and stopped waist height for a man and the knob was rough, metal and battered as if great force had been applied to it. Anyone passing by, if they had cared to look and wonder at the difference between that two doors, may have pondered at the reasoning of the half door. Swerve wondered how many hands had touched that battered handle, turned the knob and were never seen again.

He blew out a breath and ran his hand through his dark red, shoulder length hair. He had forgotten how humid the tropical heat of Cairns could be. He reached into the back pocket of his red Billabong board shorts and pulled out a leather cord, trying it around his hair to get it off the back of his neck.  He contemplated his options. Turning the knob on the half door would answer a lot of questions. “But what would it release? And where would it take me?” Swerve was not one to fear the unknown. However the thought of getting sucked into what he suspected was a powerful vortex and not being to get back again was pointless to what he was trying to achieve.

He placed his palm on the painted surface of the door. It was as he expected. Cold to the touch. Everything else in the tropics was hot and sticky yet this half door was not. “Bloody time lords.” Swerve loathed them. As far as he was concerned time lords were not at all like the charming and quirky Dr Who of television fame. Time lords were dangerous meddlers who travelled from world to world and cared little for others. Their lives were dedicated to the pursuit of adventure, uncaring what happened when their peccadilloes affected the rest of the world. Which they did. A lot. As for time lords trying to make him and others believe they did it all in the name of science? Bullshit. They did it for the treasures and the power they could amass.

“What to do?” Swerve muttered to himself. A time portal was dangerous thing to be left out in the open in a public place like this. If it was a less than public place he would have set an explosive charge to it and blown it up like he had done to others. But this portal? That was not possible and he wasn’t about to cause fear or harm anyone in his need to rid his world of time lords.

He contemplated gluing the door shut. That would work as an interim measure until he could consult others of his kind into the best way to handle this. While it annoyed him not to be able to think of a quick, effective solution, he wasn’t arrogant enough to think he knew everything. He didn’t. There were things in the universe that defied even Swerve.

From the same back pocket Swerve pulled out his cell phone and dialed in a number. “Yeah, Jim, it’s a portal.”

## Monday, 6 August 2012

### Weirdness...

So, I rarely cook – not because I can’t cook - I can – I just can’t be bothered. Microwave and ultra quick stir fries and of course yoghurt – I can’t live without yoghurt – are the go for me.  However, I heard about these recipes that are low fat, low carbs, low sugar, low expectations and thought I’ll have a look at those on the website. I haven’t looked at a recipe for years. I do have a very old 1950’s Common Sense cook book my mother had. You can find any recipe in the world in that. I kid you not. Want to sautÃ© a wilderbeest in one pan while making an enticing sauce and vegetables to go with it? They tell you how and also what dessert is best to finish it with.
Anyway the new healthy website place had some good recipes too. I saw one for ultra healthy carrot cake. I like carrot cake – chocolate is better of course but there is it. I’m being all healthy and stuff. Stuff is so hard sometimes.  Stuff is running 3 – now 4 kilometers each morning when you would rather sit down and drink lots of coffee and eat baaaad, lusicous things for breakfast. But now, after having found I had a cake tin several weeks ago – who knew - I have decided to cook the ultra healthy carrot cake. Yes, colour me a domestic goddess. It’s in the oven at this moment doing its thing. Yes, amazing, Grace. I expect I’m go for world domination tomorrow…that is if I don’t burn the house down.

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:
1. The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid, or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.
2. The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who's clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.
3. They also look for women using their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.
4. The number one place women are abducted from / attacked at is grocery store parking lots.
5. Number two is office parking lots/garages.
6. Number three is public restrooms.
7. The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.
8. If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.
9. These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas,or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.
10. Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.

POINTS THAT WE SHOULD REMEMBER:

1. If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: "can't believe it is so cold out here, we're in for a bad winter." Now that you've seen their faces and could identify them in a line-up, you lose appeal as a target.
2. If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.
3. If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.
4. If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can do it by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh - HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.
5. After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he's out of there.
6. When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.
7. Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

FINALLY, PLEASE REMEMBER THESE AS WELL . . .

I know you are smart enough to know these pointers but there will be some, where you will go "hmm I must remember that". After reading forward it to someone you care about, never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from taekwondo: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.
2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans : if a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you… chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping,eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU CLOSE the DOORS , LEAVE.
5. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot.
6. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!
7. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
8. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
• Be aware: look around your car as someone may be hiding at the passenger side, peek into your car, inside the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. DO THIS TOO BEFORE RIDING A TAXI CAB!
• If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
• Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. And better paranoid than dead.

## Sunday, 5 August 2012

### Too much information....

So, before the long, hard, sweaty oh-my-god-is-she-serious-or-nuts Weekend Warrior climb up the Red Arrow in Cairns, I wandered off in search of the ladies loos at the Cairns Botanical Gardens Visitors Centre. It is fitted with 2400 mirrored panels and it’s designed to mirror back the beauty of the tropical beauty of the Gardens. It’s a great building until you walk pass several dozen of those mirrored panels, on all sides and in front of you, dressed in stretchy exercise gear and you see yourself, at different angles and think ‘way too much information.’ It’s like looking at a train wreck - you want to pass by quickly but you can’t help but look and wonder and think oh-my-god. Yeesh. But in one way it’s good. It makes you more determined to get rid of the fat…that or run really past fast the mirrors to burn off fat. Win-win really.

## Saturday, 4 August 2012

### No payment from Noble Romance Publishing....

I want to assure that the process of calculating and paying royalties is prioritized so that you can always count on receiving a timely and accurate royalty statement when due along with appropriate payment.

Lies...

Certainly we also want to give the appropriate attention to books in process, support of author promotions, and other issues important to you, but my belief is that executing on these first two priorities will best serve NRP and it's strong group of exceptional authors.

Bullshit...

I look forward to working with each of you and invite you to email me at JGombart@NobleRomance.com.
Bollocks..

## Friday, 3 August 2012

### Sex quandry...

So I was driving home from work, along a route I should take more often as it’s a pretty drive, and I passed a sex toy shop on a major street in Cairns. No one was parked outside and it looked deserted. I wondered to myself who actually would park out the front of one and have their car seen by their Great Aunt Betty on her way home from bingo? Or did you park on a side street to avoid stares and whispers? Do you saunter up to the front door with the look of I-need-a-dildo-and-to-hell-what-anyone-else-thinks or do you scuttle around the back, all timid like, wearing dark glasses and pretending not to recognize your Great Aunt Betty as she and the girls from bingo come out of the sex toy store with shopping bags?

I heard on the radio that the advent of Fifty Shades of Gray had people frequenting sex toy shops as they were as horny as goats…

Sex…always a quandary – too much…too little…too hard…

## Thursday, 2 August 2012

### Quel fucking surprise...

Payment was supposed to have been made today Supposed to. Some got paid. Some didn’t. Some felt they didn’t get paid enough. Quel fucking surprise.

To All Noble Romance Authors:

Thank you for your patience, we have great news! We had promised to have payments and reports to you by the end of the week but due to some extra-ordinary effort today the third party sales data has been entered and payments and reports will be distributed tomorrow, ahead of schedule.

We greatly appreciate your patience and will make every effort to ensure that all future payments are made no later than the 20th of each month.

Best regards

The New Guy

Uh huh...

## Wednesday, 1 August 2012

### Whatever...

You know, I’m trying to be real patient with the Noble Romance Publishing debacle that you’re all no doubt sick to death of hearing about as am I. I haven’t been paid for ages due to the previous CEO or whatever she was or wasn’t and her lack of communication and general ridiculous, hissy fit ideas when it came to royalties and tax for non US citizens. Every other publisher had no drama with it. Only that one couldn't get it.  The current CEO dude is being all happy faced and I’m waiting for the first promised payments this week. I expect a year's worth. Seriously.  A year. Yeah. To be absolutely honest I got so sick to death of dealing with the past whatever the hell she was that I just switched off from it for my own sanity. Several months ago I got back onto her and all the bullshit began again. I’m glad she’s gone. I hope the new CEO honours his promises but to be honest I’m real sceptical.

As Anny Cook quoted on my facebook - Sigh. Yep. After a while you just take everything everyone says with a heaping cup or two of salt...

Trust in epublishing? Go Indie. Trust no one but yourself. The rest as fcuk'd.

### Fear of Being....out now...

Fear of Being...99 cents...go on...take a punt...

Spencer Grace is living her nightmares. No longer content to haunt her dreams, an evil creature called the red man invades her world and turns it upside down. He knows things about her no one else does. He feeds on her fears. He wants her for his own. Spencer is fighting for her life. She will not let this bastard win.

But this creature isn’t the only one new in her life. Two men, each with their own agenda, come to her. Both want her body and her heart. Both are prepared to share Spencer to allow her a long dreamed of desire. But in the end only one can have her. Who is stronger?

But can Spencer believe either man? Hot sex and fantasy’s one thing but trust is another. It’s no coincidence that evil and love have come into her life at the same time.