Monday, 31 March 2014

Geoff the Stoic...


I was driving past one of the local schools. I was thinking how the school day seems to end a hell of a lot earlier than it used to when I was a kid. Or maybe in reality it doesn't. I always wanted the school day to finish approximately 30 minutes after I arrived and not at 3:30pm when it was scheduled to end. I didn't care much for high school. I still maintain that I would have been better going straight from primary school to working and travelling overseas. But there were these pesky rules and regulations that necessitated me turning up each day and attempting to pretend I cared. 

Anyway - my point is and I do have one - as I drove past the school I was thinking about one of the high schools I went to for around 18 months - I'm an ex army brat. The school always gave one kid the responsibility of ringing the end of day school bell. At Seymour High School, it was a kid call Geoff. He was in a lot of classes with me - most importantly the detestable math class that was at the end of the day. Geoff took his job very, very seriously. I took his job very, very seriously because the minute he stood up at 3:28pm every afternoon, in that dreaded math class, I knew that soon there would be a reprieve and I'd be able to get the hell out of working out the whole algebra, trigonometry and whatever whos-a-ma-jiggery problem I was pretending to be working on. 

Now, the thing with Geoff was he never ever rang the bell early. He was always on time...damn him. This is probably why he got the job. The school wasn't silly. He wasn't an army brat who would, undoubtedly, in a free spirited way who gives a crap way break the rules and ring the bell early and then try and look all innocent-like. No matter how many pleading looks we sent him, Geoff, stoic soul that he was, did his duty to the exact second and never wavered.   

So, what's the point of all this? Geoffs keep us on track. Wanna get off the track? Ask an Amarinda.

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Weird dude on book covers...

I was reminded by author Anny Cook about this weird dude that can be seen on multiple ebook covers. Which weird dude you ask out of the headless men picture above? And why headless men? I'm assuming to buy the pic with a head would cost the cover artist/publisher more money.  I don't know about you but I would like a hero with a head. I'd pay the extra for the head. I don't feel, as a reader, that's asking too much. I can see all three men have abs and a crotch but bring me his head - cranium that is, not dick. 

Anyway the weird dude we were discussing is the one at the back with his torn 1980's style jeans and his button undone, seemingly ready to either pee or drop is pants to dazzle some breathless heroine with his love muscle. And Anny was right. I've seen him on a lot of covers so this begs the age old question - do women buy ebooks because of the covers? Do they want a man in ripped jeans and his hands on his hips as he balances on the balls of his feet to make him look, I dunno, taller? More well endowed? Is this really what women? If so, then what is the story behind the cover going to be about? Deep, spiritual messages? Man's inhumanity to man? Metaphysical forces in our daily lives and how they shape our destiny? Or just a random sex with a weird dude and his two buddies, legs astride and seemingly ready for action?
I dunno...I believe women deserve a head.

Monday, 24 March 2014

Boy oh boy, you're going to get us in trouble when your parents get home...

So, I went to drop off some eggs at a friend's place in between trying to mow the lawn and the showers that kept stopping me. I knew they wouldn't be home so I went around the back and dropped off the eggs and said hello to their dog Teddy. He loves everyone. The minute Teddy sees you, he loves you no matter who you are or what you look like, he will present you with a ball or a toy duck for you to play with him. 

So, I see him. He sees me and is excited. I'm not sure how he did it but in his rush to grab this mangy duck toy he turns himself in such a way that he smacks his face on some brickwork. Bloody hell! You had to go do that I my watch! Chooks never do that. Undeterred Teddy presents me with the duck. He has knocked a chunk of skin out near his eye. I said to Teddy, who, understands me completely, "Boy oh boy, you're going to get us in trouble when your parents get home." I had inadvertently broken their loveable yet clumsy dog.  Teddy, despite a bloody looking non bleeding gash in his skin just keeps nudging the duck at me with a look of "Forget about them. I'm totally in love you with, now play ball with me."  

What is the point to this story you ask? Maybe it's that dogs are simple creatures who accept things and move on. Maybe it's about the fact that a dog takes every chance at happiness that he can get. Maybe if he'd been a human, he'd be whining at the chunk of missing skin, annoying the crap out of everyone. Maybe we should be more like dogs though possibly less clumsy when excited. I dunno. Maybe dogs are better than humans in their acceptance of others. 

Yes, I did go back and check on him after the first visit. Yes, this meant I had to play another round of throw the duck, then the ball with Teddy. Yes, I rang and left a message with his homeward bound parents about what happened and that I did not deliberately break their clumsy dog.  
Yeah, maybe a dogs life is pretty good. No worries, a thick skull and a couple of toy ducks and life is as good as you make it.

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

When I grow up...

So, I've been working this temp gig to earn some money because for some reason the Lotto doesn't seem to paying me out millions of dollars. Kinda weird really because that's why I play it but there you go. 

I was working with this woman yesterday - actually, working is probably the incorrect term as we spent most of the day talking. After talking to her I've decided I want to grow up to be her. Why? Because when she retired she and her partner hit the road and travelled Australia working odd jobs and seeing the country and basically just enjoying the adventure. Currently she lives on a boat in the Whitsundays and they travel up and down the east coast of Australia just going where they want and living as they please. No, they're not rich. They worked hard all their lives and saved to get to the point where they are now. Talking to her was like talking to myself in 15 years time. 

I believe every so often life gives you glimpses of the future to remind you that yes, you may be going through crapacious times but there is a reason to it all so hold on and do what you have to in order for better days to come. I believe...

Monday, 17 March 2014

What is it with bullies?

I had a face off with a bully yesterday. She thought I was a victim. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe because I'm an average woman with average looks and her need to try and pick on someone was transferred to me.  I spent my childhood with a bully who tried to stomp on my self esteem and destroy me. Bullies are like that. By their very nature they are weak people who try to demolish the strength of others to make them feel better about themselves. Get a frigging self help book or see a psychiatrist I say. Unfortunately for the bully I faced on the job, I detest bullies and I will never put up with the rot they go on with. I stood my ground and I dealt with her letting her know I was the absolutely wrong person to toy with. I also reported her actions because while I can look after myself another may not be able to and she needed to be officially stopped. Tattling? No. Someone has to say something to stop something. She got stopped. 

Today, a woman at the gym was telling me about the stress of a bully who was making her life a nightmare. After I left her I was wondering to myself are bullies more recognizable now? By that I mean did people in the past just suck it up and forge  ahead, saying nothing as they got on as best they could against the bully. I don't recall an outcry against bullies in school thirty or forty years ago. Did that allow the bullies to grow up and create more bullies to the point that they can be found everywhere and that has caused people to stop and think about the evil of bullies and how they should be stopped? Is it that we understand our rights more? Do we remember as kids that one person that pushed us too far and stiffened our resolved to never be pushed that far again? 

I dunno. All I do know is if a bully tries to hurt you and doesn't succeed, there will be a dozen more people that bully will try and attack. Stand your ground and be the one who stops them. Yeah, it's hard work but you never want that happening to someone else.

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

The engagement ring...

So, I'm working at a temp job at the moment. It involves liaising with members of the public for a week and a bit and there is a hell of a lot of walking involved. I have another person as my partner on this chatting-walking gig. Never met her before today but she made it very clear to me that she, let's call her, er, Charlene was doing the job to scope out 'talent' to find her future husband. She wants to get married, she already has an engagement ring - her Prince Charming does not have to fork out for this - and she WILL get married. There is no maybe in this. Charlene is a woman possessed. I found her intense need to hog-tie a man to her for marital-there-is-no-way-we-will-ever-divorce-wedded bliss fascinating and scary. On one hand she knows what she wants - man, wedding ring and to become Mrs Charlene X. On the other, in my opinion, she's scary obsessed to the point of not being realistic. I get that some women would like to be a 'couple' but there is also the fact that not everyone marries. Sometimes fate just doesn't make it so. I did point that out to her. Charlene's thoughts on this are because too many women get involved with ' losers' and give up on marriage and 'fate' is stupid. I personally think women like Charlene, who are so marriage obsessed, scare men away. What man wants to be driven to marriage? And to have your own engagement ring to expedite the proceedings? Scary much? It begs the question what happens to the Charlene's of the world if they do not marry?

Monday, 10 March 2014

In the state of what-the-fuckery...

So life has been very weird, complex, difficult, different and sporadic for a while. But that happens. It's probably all to do with the tides, the moon, what colour undies you're wearing, what fruit is in season, the job market and complex stuff like that. It's been trying. But I also keep trying purely because as annoying as life can be, I can be more so.
Jobs have been weirdly sporadic and since being made redundant last year, I've done a lot of diverse things. I'm flexible like that. You wanna pay me? Sure I'll turn up. No, I'm not much fussed what I do for the money because I'm sure I'll be able to do it because like any hired gun flexibility is the key and hell, longevity is not an issue. Like Darth McVader above. Give me a moment and I'm sure I can take a crack at the unicycle thing. As for bagpipes? How hard can they be? 
I got a call from the temp agency today to do some work this week and next. It's essentially telling people where to go. You know - directions - go left, go right, go to the far queue. I said - sure, no worries. One day I may get a real job but due to this cycle of what-the-fuckery that I find myself in, I can be a temporary person once more. Pay me and it shall be.

Sunday, 9 March 2014

Er, no...

So, I just came back from the hairdresser. I like going there as I can read all the trashy magazines, especially the old ones from last year. I like to read over the horoscopes to see if anything that was predicted in 2013 actually happened.  I'm a Scorpio. It was predicted the following would happen to Scorps...

- You will find the great love of your life - er, no.

- You will marry - see above.

- Great wealth will come your way - er, no.

- You will want for nothing as the universe will answer your every call - I may have been asleep and missed that call. Was a message left?

- Your dream job will come to you in an unexpected way - negatory.

- The end of 2013 and the start of 2014 is your year Scorpio. I will be golden - it's actually been pretty puce bordering on blech.

- You will experience great periods of happiness -  thank god for chocolate.

- You and your partner could expect a bundle of joy - hmmm, if I could find this partner I would ask him where this ' bundle' is and what's my share.

- Your inquisitive mind will lead you down paths that will see you accumulating great knowledge - er, no.

- You will be spiritually enlightened -  no, unless the spirits were alcohol based.

- You will want for nothing - uh huh. 

I like reading my horoscope but on the whole, it's pretty much a load of bullocks. The love of your life? You find him or you don't and the world still turns. Great wealth? Never known money to come to you without hard work. Dream jobs? Ain't no such thing. Happiness? You have to be happy with yourself or at least give yourself a break and accept you can equally stuff up or star. Horoscopes. Enjoy them but believe them? Believe only in yourself.

Friday, 7 March 2014

Jeez Louise...

I changed the route on my run this morning and ran through the city. Only problem with this is you can see your reflection in the shop windows when you run. Yeesh. While the fact you can run without dying is a good thing, you don't want to be looking at yourself when you do it. Scary stuff. It'd put you off exercise for life. Exercise. Don't look - don't see - just do it.

"Exercise is done against one’s wishes and maintained only because the alternative is worse." - unknown

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

The dreaded 'I love you' thing...

So, I was reading this magazine article on why you should never ever, ever be the first person in a relationship to say “I love you.” Why? Well, there are lots of reasons, said the magazine writer, that indicate those three words lead to doom and doom is bad. 

Why do we need to contemplate the perplexing who says “I love you” first situation? Well, according to the article you apparently don’t want to say it and not have it said back because it can be awkward. There’s also the issue of “I love you too” when its said too fast after your declaration of love. They say this can be bad because the fast "I love you too" can indicate panic from the other person. Panic is akin to doom, it seems. To counter this it appears you have to wait for the perfect “I love you” moment and even if this serendipitous moment does occurs, you can’t be sure that the object of your affection loves you back because apparently they could just be trying to make you happy by saying what they think you want to hear. See above. The after the fact “I love you” is a minefield that must be negotiated carefully due to the need to please factor. 

If by now, you’re still thinking – “Bugger it, I still want to say  ‘I love you’" to someone, I say go for it you crazy fool you but remember there’s the theory you’re not to say it until you’ve been on 5 dates and then it’s better for the man to say it first because…well, I’m not sure. The article just reckons its better that way as it gives the man the edge and feeling of control. But I gotta say if he says it and she doesn’t or she runs screaming away then I’m thinking there’s not a lot of control going on there.  

Then there’s always the right way to say “I love you” apparently. You have to create ‘a moment’ and never ever say it when you’re drunk. Yep, I’d have to go along with this because drunks love everyone and sincerity isn’t their strong point. You should also never apologise for saying "I love you" even when he or she doesn’t love you back. I think you’re supposed to smile, be all stoic like and make light of pouring out your deepest feelings and pretend your heart isn’t  stomped on by an uncaring sod as you go off to get stinking drunk enough to say “I love you” to complete strangers who will smile and pity you but it doesn't matter because you won’t remember saying those three words to them. And for god sake, if you do say those possibly three doom ridden words, the article says don’t answer for the other person. I’m not sure how that goes unless Bob says, “I love you, Mary and I know you love me so it’s a done deal. You’re in this for life with me so don’t even think of arguing with me because no man will ever love you as I do.” In this case I would say step away from Bob, no matter how much he loves you. Bob is a problem.  

All in all, my personal opinion is it’s probably best if you just slug someone in the arm and forgo the ‘I love you’ thing. I’ve said those words and I’ve done the slugging someone in the arm thing. Go with the arm.     

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Totally foccaccia'd....

So, my computer has been at death's door for a while with it's flickering, coughing, stuttering and flat out disinterest in any command I gave it. I was nursing it along - ok, yelling at it - when it kept doing the dying swan routine. Today, it carked it (died). It was, in Amarinda terms, foccaccia'd. Bugger. But then, I thought to myself, you have a back up laptop, you smart, practical hoarder you. I hauled out this ancient specimen thinking this will solve all problems. It didn't. I turned it on, it spluttered, burped, groaned and then died. Another foccaccia'd moment. I sighed.  

A friend rang me a bit later and I told her what happened and she said 'What next for you? Were you cursed by an evil goblin? Your life is going to hell in a handbag.' Yep, life has been a tad trying of late and stuff has happened that I could have lived without dealing with. But, all things considered, two foccaccia'd computers purely means that I should expect two good things to come out of said foccaccia-er-ing. Believe it and it will be.  No, I'm not on drugs. I'm a Scorpio. We always regenerate.

Sunday, 2 March 2014

The penis lover...

I was driving home last night after the basketball – which the home team won – amazing, Grace – and I was thinking about life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, men and all that male-dom encompasses, the battle I’m fighting and questions like did I have enough petrol to get home? When did I eat last? Lordy, I’m tired, tired, tired. How much money do I have in my purse? And then, for some reason a person I used to work with, maybe 10 years ago, came to mind. Why? I dunno. Her name was er, let’s say Odette…yes, Odette. As I drove in the dark, I recalled the first time I met her. I was working at Telstra – pukeable telecommunication company – and I moved desks – they did that a lot at Telstra – think Titanic and the deck chairs - to sit next to her. As I dumped my crap on the desk, she turned and said to me ‘”I like penis – a lot and I’m very loud and I’ll drive you crazy.” My response to that was  “I’m happy you like penises. I have no personal objection to them. However considering your ‘very loud’, I’d prefer you don’t bring a penis to the desk and get all excited 'cause I will have to tell you to shut up.” We got on well, me and Odette, the penis lover. I’m not sure what happened to her in the end. There were lots of stories about Odette. I do know the very last time I saw her she had come stomping into work, a plastic bag in her hand and the charred remnants of her work uniform inside. “I set it alight last night,” She said to me in a casual who-gives-a-crap-tone. “Good one,” I responded, because I always enjoy decisive action. She then marched up to management, handed them the scraps of uniform and then left the building, head held high and undoubtedly thinking about the pursuit of penises.

So, what does that all mean in the scheme of things and of me, driving home in the dark, contemplating life? I think it is supposed to mean that it’s okay to set things alight to in order to move on and that sometimes you have to declare your intentions and your desires – be they penises or not – and just get on with who you are as a person without thinking about petrol, food, the arseholes you battle or tiredness because you only get so many chances to burn bridges and to right wrongs. It’s all just about declaring who you are, defying those who don't like that  and then keep moving regardless of what's ahead.