The dreaded 'I love you' thing...

So, I was reading this magazine article on why you should never ever, ever be the first person in a relationship to say “I love you.” Why? Well, there are lots of reasons, said the magazine writer, that indicate those three words lead to doom and doom is bad. 

Why do we need to contemplate the perplexing who says “I love you” first situation? Well, according to the article you apparently don’t want to say it and not have it said back because it can be awkward. There’s also the issue of “I love you too” when its said too fast after your declaration of love. They say this can be bad because the fast "I love you too" can indicate panic from the other person. Panic is akin to doom, it seems. To counter this it appears you have to wait for the perfect “I love you” moment and even if this serendipitous moment does occurs, you can’t be sure that the object of your affection loves you back because apparently they could just be trying to make you happy by saying what they think you want to hear. See above. The after the fact “I love you” is a minefield that must be negotiated carefully due to the need to please factor. 

If by now, you’re still thinking – “Bugger it, I still want to say  ‘I love you’" to someone, I say go for it you crazy fool you but remember there’s the theory you’re not to say it until you’ve been on 5 dates and then it’s better for the man to say it first because…well, I’m not sure. The article just reckons its better that way as it gives the man the edge and feeling of control. But I gotta say if he says it and she doesn’t or she runs screaming away then I’m thinking there’s not a lot of control going on there.  

Then there’s always the right way to say “I love you” apparently. You have to create ‘a moment’ and never ever say it when you’re drunk. Yep, I’d have to go along with this because drunks love everyone and sincerity isn’t their strong point. You should also never apologise for saying "I love you" even when he or she doesn’t love you back. I think you’re supposed to smile, be all stoic like and make light of pouring out your deepest feelings and pretend your heart isn’t  stomped on by an uncaring sod as you go off to get stinking drunk enough to say “I love you” to complete strangers who will smile and pity you but it doesn't matter because you won’t remember saying those three words to them. And for god sake, if you do say those possibly three doom ridden words, the article says don’t answer for the other person. I’m not sure how that goes unless Bob says, “I love you, Mary and I know you love me so it’s a done deal. You’re in this for life with me so don’t even think of arguing with me because no man will ever love you as I do.” In this case I would say step away from Bob, no matter how much he loves you. Bob is a problem.  

All in all, my personal opinion is it’s probably best if you just slug someone in the arm and forgo the ‘I love you’ thing. I’ve said those words and I’ve done the slugging someone in the arm thing. Go with the arm.     

A-W-K-W-A-R-D…

So, I was slumped on the sofa, watching TV, tired after doing a day of yard work and watching a repeat of some mindless, reality TV crap basically because I was too tired to flick channels to find other less mindless crap to watch. Anyway, on TV, this woman said to this man ‘I love you.’ Then there was silence. Dead, cold silence. You know the kind that is A-W-K-W-A-R-D. You could tell even though she had really wanted to say the whole ‘I love you’ thing, she said it without thinking and it just came out at the wrong time. Then she looked at him waiting for his reaction. He looked torn between stunned and oh-god-get-me-out-of-here. She then looked embarrassed and tried to take it back and he was all ‘no, it’s okay, of course I have feelings for you.’ Oh-my-god. Feelings? He used that line? What is wrong with him? No one should use that line. Ever. He should have just gnawed his leg off or feigned a heart attack or deafness to avoid having to say that to her because we all know the ‘I have feelings for you’ is the kiss of death. She then smiled, nodded, blinking back tears and trying to look all stoic with a look of ‘God, he’s an idiot if he can’t see how great I am’ and ‘how fast can I get in the car and drive to the nearest shop and buy ice-cream and wine…ooh, and maybe I’ll hire a stripper for the evening.’ It then became all deathly silent between them as if neither wanted to say anything further in case he suddenly found himself agreeing to marry her and she couldn’t trust herself not to head butt him for making her feel stupid because ‘I love you shouldn’t be a big deal, you dickhead and I have no idea why I thought I could have ever possibly loved you.’ Ah yes. A-W-K-W-A-R-D.     

Do you think this is why we’re all so interested in reading romance and watching romantic comedies because we know the characters will always say ‘yes’ and ‘I love you’ and get married because they’re supposed to and one dimension characters do not screw up as much as humans do? Is it because we want the ideal? It makes you wonder how anyone actually ever gets together.  

The I love you thing…

I was watching a movie – an Aussie one – on TV the other night. The story revolved around a man who had never said ‘I love you’ to his girlfriend. She wasn't happy with that. She wanted proof of his love and his belief in their relationship and the whole declaration of love was what she needed or basically she was going to leave him. Big sook I say…anyway, while it was a really good movie it did make me think a lot of what we ask of others. None of us really know what’s in the minds of those we love or how hard it may be for them to express their feelings or reconcile their feelings or how they worry about disappointing us. That the heroine of the movie needed to be reassured constantly told me more about her emotional problems and the need to be loved than the hero’s...actually, she needed a good slap back into the land reality...but that's probably another movie. The hero seemed to be happy regardless of what words were said. So here’s what I think. I believe while saying ‘I love you’ makes the receiver of that message happy, is it worth getting that message after harping on someone to say it? Isn’t love all about the unspoken things you do for the one you love? Why should there be a constant need to hear the words? Can’t we just be with someone because they make us happy and feel good? I think 'I love you' is vastly overrated and of course romance writers perpetuate this. So, from now on, no more ‘I love you’ in my books. Love – it’s not all about one person.