Super-dooper-troopers…

So, I have a doppelganger at work – well, sorta, kinda, okay, probably not. She’s this chick down south in the very, very, snotty corporate world of pretentious Sydney who is beyond perfect and wonderful and never a bad word is spoken to her or about her because, well, she’s perfect. I’ve never met her. I doubt if I would be deemed good enough because I am not worthy of such magnificence but I’m told by all that she is wondrous, amazing, selfless, probably will find a cure for cancer while balancing a ball on her nose, dialing the phone with one toe while bluebirds fly joyously around her head as she sings in a sweet, harmonious, trilling voice that soothes all men….apparently. She does everything and beyond the call of duty of normal people and has started to take on my job which was hardly a surprise to me. Frankly, the sooner she does and I’m handed a redundancy the better. 

But back to the paragon. She’s perky and positive and everything is beautiful and wonderful and la-la-la-la-frigging la-la. The only flaw I can pick at is she sounds like a butch bloke eating a tough horse from the hoofs in and I’m thinking, despite being so wondrous, that’s why she is such a doyen (you could also insert 'suck up') to all the anal, gold bracelet wearing stuffed shirts in their insulated corporate world. They think she’s a bloke.

“Sylvia can do this.”
“Let Sylvia do that.”
"Sylvia has already done that.”
“Sylvia is wonderful.”

I say we need people like Sylvia the world – the suck ups and wondrous, the politically correct and super-duper-troopers. Good old Sylvia. I say let her do stuff. What the hell. Call me when you’re ready to pay me out. I need to delete vital files and 'acquire' stationery… 

Cheer, followed by going home….

So, I got this this work email today of scenarios of what the office would do in the case of five different scenarios. It was a long document with intense instructions that looked like they would take a lot of time to read through. Oh hard. I’m not good with instructions so I skimmed them. Essentially, three pages of corporate bumpf came down to these questions:

1. Police halt access to the office and advise no entry for 48 hours. What do you do? 
Cheer, followed by going home.

2. What action would you take if the computer network was down and unlikely to come back up for 24 hours? 
Cheer, followed by going home.

3. No electricity? Your course of action is? 
Cheer, followed by going home.

4. Car crashes into the building making work impossible due to damage. Your immediate response? Cheer, followed by going home.

5. There is a siege outside the front door of the office. Cheer - use the back door - followed by going home.

I mean, come on. Seriously? Who makes up these dumb arsed questions and what response do they expect from plebs? Well, gee, I would stick around for 24-48 hours, outside the office, dodging possible bullets waiting for the glorious moment I would be allowed back into the office, no matter if it was midnight or raining, to do my work because I’m just that damn dedicated.

Corporate people – justifying their existence through crap, useless documents.