...drink, smoke pot, lie a lot and have copious sex at 2:30am...

I was watching this pukeably sweet show this morning at 2:30 am when it was freezing cold and I couldn't sleep due to the cold and other reasons. It was Seventh Heaven – a schlock Yankee TV show about a bunch of god-botherers hell bent – okay – maybe heaven bent - on the fact that no one was supposed to have sex until they were married or all these terrible and dire things would happen like getting detention at school, sleeping in a tent in the backyard and arguing with parents over having sex before everyone forgiving everyone for having a penis and a vagina. The parents in question were this sappy, sickly sweet pair who made me want to drink, smoke pot, lie a lot and have copious sex at 2:30 am just to spite them. Basically, with this pair, it was a case of keep your legs together, think pure thoughts, eat cookies and be ridiculously annoying with sappy smiles and holier than thou bullshit sermons on goodliness. Plu-ease…

Did I mention there was nothing else on TV and I couldn’t sleep? Yes? Ok…good…anyway, I was thinking to myself who watches this bullshit, other than insomniacs? Who came up with the no sex until married bit and decided to force feed it in a TV show to insomniacs, and others, who have undoubtedly had sex before marriage and more than likely enjoyed it? Also, what message does it give to women? Without a man you can’t enjoy yourself? Be pure until married? What if you can’t remain pure? What if you’re an inherently impure insomniac? And the men in the show? Oh lordy…who’d want to have sex with them and their moralizing bullshit?

This sappy show went for 10 years on US TV and then it was forced on the rest of us drinking, whoring, pot smoking insomniacs. How did it go for 10 years?  I say take it off early morning TV and leave us impure  insomniacs alone. 

Riiiight….

So I went to the doctor today. I’ve been trying to find one who suits me. I went to this one nearby where I work. I knew she was going to be different when she announced to the waiting room very loudly, in a very Yankee voice, “Amarinda Zelda Jones” and then just stared at me because – I was, after all – the only one in the waiting room which made the name calling out thing kind of moot. Anyway, I sat down and started telling her what I wanted done etc. She kept saying “In the US we do this and that and the other thing.” Uh huh. I only just managed to refrain from pointing out she was in the very laid back, to the point of comatose tropics of Cairns and she needed to dial it down a notch. She continued on with the US stuff and kept telling me my prescriptions were wrong, I looked good for 47 and did I know most people at 47 are half dead in the US? Well no, I didn’t. Then she eyeballed me and said “Did you know there’s a lot of sexually transmitted disease in the tropics? What are you doing about it?” My response, “after this, I’ll probably never have sex again.” She said that ‘is the best contraception.” Riiight….

So, at this point I am thinking ‘you are a fucking space cadet lady and I need to get out of here.’ Then all of a sudden she changed tack and became quite funny, amusing, caring and knowledgeable. It was weird. Bizarre. It occurred to me she’s exactly the doctor I want. I want someone off the wall, mouthy and straight to the point. I’m going back next week to get a procedure done. At least she’ll be entertaining.