Google, you owe me $38.00 an hour…

So, I’ve been dealing with the Indian call centre in Google on behalf of work. Basically it’s all to do with Google SEO – Search Engine optimisation – yes, sounds more impressive as initials. The company had been paying money into it on a regular basis because, well, I don’t know, companies do stuff like that. Google, in its infinite wisdom, allowed India to handle this area of their ops and essentially they suck badly at it. I had to explain to half a dozen very polite Indians, who were clearly reading an approved answer off a script – if you have worked in a call centre you know exactly what I’m talking about – if not – the script is placed beside you to answer any query a customer has that you’re not sure of the politically correct answer to.

Example –

Customer - my bill is too high. How can that be?

Script –I suggest you buy an answering machine.

Customer – What? Why?

Script – Your account number is in the top left hand corner

Customer – Are you listening to me?

Script – To set up call waiting…

Customer – I said my bill is too high.

Script – I am happy to send you a brochure on our disabilities services.

Customer - You’re an idiot.

Script – We do not show an idiot in our catalogue. I will transfer you through to faults.  

  

Anyway, back to the Indian call centre. The main issue was they couldn’t find all the money that had been paid.

-Madam, you don’t understand. We cannot see the payments on screen.

-Madam bloody understands that you’ve had had zip training.

-What is zip training? Is it new?

So, I got the manager of the call centre to log into the work account while I was also logged into it. I then walked him through THEIR billing system, where the payments were and on what date and which bill the payments corresponded to. He responded that he was ‘most interested’ and would discuss with his ‘specialist team.’ It turns out his specialist team isn’t that special and I had to walk them through their billing system while sitting in Australia.

Here’s the thing Google – I work out I have spent at least 15 hours of work time on this at $38.00 an hour and it’s still ongoing as the specialists try to now allocate the money because there’s no script for that.

The Heaving Bosoms Publishing Company…

I got my October royalty statement from the Heaving Bosoms Publishing Company. As a company they couldn’t organize a root in a brothel and they’re as dodgy as a two bob watch. And trustworthy? That would be an ‘oh hell no’. So, I generally view their statements with great skepticism. Usually the statements are black and white and the names of all the books I have though the HBP and how they were sold are listed. It should be simple. Other publishers manage it without all the ineptitude of the Bosom people.

This latest statement was a really pretty one. All the ‘mistakes’ were highlighted in yellow – a whole page worth and the total’s of the mistakes were all in bright red. How the hell am I supposed to know what the real figures are? Now, just throwing this out there – having worked in accounts for a very long time - when I see graphic mistakes like this from a supposedly professional company I have to wonder are their accounts people on crack? Why on earth would they send a statement out highlighting to me how hopeless they are when I already don’t trust them and this technicolor vomit sheet of errors is something I would expect from a 10 year old in math class. Are they professional? That would again be an ‘oh hell no.’ How is it they can’t produce error free accounts? I’ve done it. It’s not hard if you pay attention, be accurate and don’t drink or do drugs at work.

So, now I have to waste my time trying to work out the statement of yellow and red mistakes and then email them and query their drug use and their ability to both add up and give the true figures. Maybe I should bill them for my time?

*Organize a root in a brothel – root = bonk or fuck depending on your sensibilities

*Dodgy as a two bob watch – dodgy = cheap and suspect

Amarinda Jones
Penn Halligan
www.amarindajones.com
www.amarindajones.blogspot.com
Be daring...read an Amarinda book