Look at my lovely new cover – isn’t he pretty? What is Prince Vampire about? A fairytale the comes true….oh, and vampire sex…
On my morning ramble, I passed by a small block of local shops. A graffiti idiot – no, there is no way a moron who sprays paint on buildings at random can be called an artist - had sprayed his tag on the side of one shop – 4053 Krew. Wow – how cool – not. 4053 – is a postcode (zipcode) so we know the nitwit lives in the local area. We also know he – and it is always a stupid young bloke – is influenced by American culture – or should I say Kulture – by his spelling. In ancient times I could see cave paintings were an important part of communication – as were the wall carvings from the Egyptians, Greeks etc. But 4053 Krew? What is this? Is it a call to similar ape like mentalities or is it a would be rappa-sick-phat-gansta or whatever they call themselves now wanting us to notice how kool he is? This is what I think – get rid of the spray can, pull up your pants as we don’t want to see your undies and wear your cap the right way around and then maybe I’ll contemplate you as a serious human being.
Due to popular demand…okay – half a dozen emails – I’ll bring back last years xmas interviews – and add some new ones.
Free the elves….
Amarinda - Thanks for meeting meElf - I can’t take it anymore. That man has to be stopped!
A – I see…so tell us a little about the conditions at the North Pole. How much do you get paid?
E – Pay! Ha! We get nothing but these tatty, unfashionable green suits that no one would be seen dead in. It’s an embarrassment to look like this.
A – Green not your colour?
E – Nope and those pointed shoes just kill my feet.
A – Let’s talk about Health and safety. Lugging around all those toys must be hard. What sort of compo do you receive if you get injured?
E – None – we either work or starve. The Claus’ have the monopoly on jobs at the Pole.
A – That’s an evil look you have on your face.
E – Let’s just say we have plans to break that monopoly very soon.
A – Right, on the creepy note, let’s change the subject…we always hear of Christmas treats being left out for Santa -cookies and milk etc. What do the elves get?
E – Diddly frigging squat! We have to wait until the fat guy’s asleep to nick his food.
A – Wow, that’s terrible. How do you keep up morale?
E – We have a still. We make Elf wine and we stick pins into our Santa effigy.
A – Uh huh, but what about Mrs Claus? She seems like the nice caring sort.
E – That bitch – she works us harder than Santa. I can’t stand her. Sweet one moment and back stabbing cow the next. She’s fucking treacherous.
A – But you must get some perks on this job. Do you get to take home some of the toys you make for your own family?
E – You are frisked on the way out of the factory. You don’t want to know what happens if you get caught but it involves sleigh bells tied to certain parts of your anatomy.
A – So sum up Elf life at the North Pole in one sentence.
E – Fucking horrible – but come the revolution that will all change.
A – Thanks for speaking to me today
E – Spread the word Toots. The elves will rise up.
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