Me? I'm innocent...

So, I did edits all day today at my day job. I enjoyed it. Why? Firstly because I shouldn’t have been doing it and it's always enjoyable doing the wrong thing and secondly because editing sex – and all the naughty words that go with it – is so much fun when you’re working in a staid, boring office of people who’s lives are preoccupied by being monotonous and tedious. Only problem? Remembering to answer the phone and not read out a line of dialogue at the same time. Did I do that? I started to and then confused and dazzled the person on the other end of the phone to the point they had forgotten what I had said and why they were calling.

But before you try this in your work place, you must cultivate a look of innocence. I do the innocent look really very well. Actually, my two best party tricks are looking angelic and like butter wouldn't' melt in my mouth - and seriously who would suck on butter -and, my other great skill is bending over, legs straight and placing the palms of my hands on the floor in front of me. This instantly confuses and astounds people, as they want to try it, and they forget why they were going to question why you're muttering lines of dialogue at the computer.

So many people to confuse...so little time... 

Suck it up, Princess

I fully understand that the book is the author’s baby, something they have sweated tears and blood over for weeks, months, in some cases even years, but there comes a time when the author needs to pull up her big girl panties, tie a knot, and move on.

So the publisher ignored your carefully prepared fact sheet and the cover art looks nothing like you envisioned the heroine to be. If the hair color and body shape is reasonably accurate, and she’s not pictured in the snow when your story takes place in midsummer, and the title and your name is spelled correctly, then it’s time to suck it up, Princess. Publishers produce cover art on a budget. There are also house style rules that must be obeyed. Other quirks include things like some fonts don’t translate into various download formats so can’t be used.

Acting like a drama queen because the heroine’s hair is too long or too short is usually a waste of time. If you ask nicely, the artist may be able to change it. If the publisher says no, accept that, tie a knot and move on.
Sometimes I watch on chat loops as arguments about the placement of commas, or whether or not a word is hyphenated, go on for days or even weeks. Most publishers have a house style manual. You may always have written using the Oxford comma. Many publishers have now deleted it. They are not going to reinstate it no matter how much you argue.
Similarly with hyphenation. Go to www.onelook.com. That will give you an idea about how a word is usually spelled. But even so, if house style is to spell it a different way, then that’s the way it’ll be.

For something not house style, if you want it spelled the way 2 out of 27 records show it, I don’t think the publisher will agree. Again, you can ask politely, but prepare yourself for rejection. The author’s job is to write the book. Once you sign a contract you agree to follow house style and editing processes. If you spend the entire editing cycle in tears, maybe this is not the publisher for you. Submit elsewhere next time. Live and learn. Or go Indie. That way at least you have control over your cover art. But remember, if the way you spell and punctuate in your Indie book is too different from the norm, you’ll pull your reader out of the story and they won’t buy your next book. Meanwhile, suck it up, Princess.

Helen Woodall
Freelance Editor
http://helenwoodallfreelanceediting.blogspot.com/

**Amarinda here...Want a good, experienced editor who will not piss around with your book and who has actually been in the business more that 2 seconds? I totally recommend Helen Woodall.

Doing edits...

...sorta...kinda...when the mood takes me. I know what I'd rather be doing...

North Americans won’t understand that phrase…

So, I have been doing lots of edits of late with lots of difference publishing companies. It’s been interesting, funny, frustrating and full of ‘what the’ moments. Why? Well, no editor edits the same.

Too many commas!

Not enough commas!

No exclamation marks!

You need exclamation marks!!!

Cut out all the ‘that’ words.

You need to add ‘that’ here and there and two lines down.

Sex? Is it necessary that she curls her hand around his dick?

Excellent use of dick.

North Americans won’t understand that phrase.

Europeans won’t understand that phrase.

Oh yeah, those in Upper Kumbucca West will love that phrase.

More italics.

Less italics.

More dashes —

Less dashes.

‘We follow the Lower Botswana method of editing.’
‘The fosby-flop school of editing is the best.’
‘Everyone knows the Swiss-Tibetan purple double dipped feather quill method is correct.’

No wonder writers, drink, swear, eat chocolate and are cranky bitches.

Amarinda Jones
Penn Halligan
www.amarindajones.com
www.amarindajones.blogspot.com
Be daring...read an Amarinda book

The amazingness of nothing in particular…

Remember a couple of days ago that I mentioned a blog by someone called Zelda? She was the blogger who caused such a stir by saying e-book writers sucked. Okay – fine – give an opinion - I admire that. What I do not admire, and I believe is pathetic, is pulling the plug on a blog because people suddenly don’t like your opinions. Well, here in Oz, we would call that being a big sooky la-la. You should not give opinions if you cannot stand criticism. You have to know that is going to happen what you write the sort of flaming commentary Zelda did. What name is the next blog Zelda will use for the same tactic? I believe this was the second she pulled because people got upset at her…there probably have been more. Whatever…I expect the next one will be as credible as the last two due to the lack of commitment to stand by her words. Probably best you got out of the kitchen, dear.

Last Thursday, in the pursuit of trying to get a book finished I finally went to bed after midnight. I had nothing to eat and was so tired after work and writing that I fell asleep in my slip and hydraulic bra. I woke up this morning at 4am and felt like I was in a cage of satin and boning - added to that I was knackered. So, why do we push ourselves to do things? Is it ambition? Is it because writers have no lives when they are writing? Is it an obsession? Stuffed if I know. What obsession do you have that you will knacker yourself in the pursuit of doing it?

Someone told me I have an ‘artistic walk’ – huh? Not sure I like the sound of that. They said that I had a flamboyant way of moving…again, not sure that’s a good thing. Apparently it’s all in the way you move your hips…I’ve always thought so…and stop looking at my hips.

It’s feral Beryl…I heard on the radio that Naomi Campbell (model) got arrested because she spat on someone…charming - not. Spitting, is to me, is plain disgusting and to do so makes me view you lower than a snake’s belly. And for a woman to do it is even worse. Normally women have more sense…tacky, tacky, tacky Naomi.

Okay, there has been a lot of hoo-ha over the man that’s having a baby. Of course there had to be more to the story. Oprah had him on her show. He was a she and had a sex change. Now, I don’t care what people do – sex changes, whatever – do what you have to do to make you happy - but this is hardly the miracle of a man having a baby if the female organs remained in tact is it? Oh how we love sensationalism.

Speaking of babies….I was doing some edits for Anyone But You today and the first one was I had to remove the word ‘baby.’ Now, I was using the term as a one of endearment. This is forbidden as it conjures up visions of paedophilia. Now, I

think all paedophiles should basically be shot between the eyes – see I’m reasonable – and it annoys me that a simple word like ‘baby’ is no longer a simple word. Is honey or darling or sweetheart going to go the same way? Let’s face it, you cannot say ‘gay’ any more as it means other they being happy or bright. No, I am not against different lifestyles – see comment above – do what you have to do to be happy – that’s important – but honest to god can we leave the bloody language alone or accept that words can have other meanings without getting all political or silly about it?

I was watching the news this evening and some celebrity was engaged to another celebrity and people were trying to take photos and the reporter was rabbiting on about how exciting it was and I thought – huh? Why is this exciting? These are just two people who are no better or worst than anyone else so why are they being held up as some sort of miracle of love and engagement? Is it just my socialist upbringing of ‘Jack's as good as his master’ and I view everyone equally or are celebrities some magical beings I am unaware of? Please advise.

Also on the news is the hoo-ha over our Prime Minister Kevin Rudd saluting George W. What does that mean? Is he is awe of George? Does he recognize George as being better than him? Are all Aussies going to start saluting GW? Nope, it just means Kev, like all Aussies likes to take the piss ( have a joke) and it was just a lark to salute him across a crowded room.

I had a silly moment today….I did the laundry, hung it out on the line and then ignored it for several hours while I edited. I went down eventually to bring it in. I was momentarily shocked because none of my underwear was there. What? Who would be insane enough to nick my cotton knickers? Most strange. I mean come on, I love me but knicker worshipping is just not on. Anyway, after checking out all points of entry to the house – tighter than a fish’s arse I might add - I was perplexed. Did aliens steal my knickers? If so for what reason? Are cottontails big on planet Zork? Maybe they wear them as helmets. Anyway, I wandered into the laundry and looked in the machine. There they still were. Whew… I really do not have time to be having visitors from Zork requesting to see my underwear.

So, as you can see it’s been a shambolic day at Chez Amarinda ending with me sauntering to the local hole in the wall fisho for fish and chips in celebration of - well, nothing really but just because I could. What excitement at your place? Do tell.

Anny and Kelly are probably not discussing the possibility of stolen knickers but check them out anyway as they are always most odd yet enlightening.

I'll leave you with this cheery quote....

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” -- Neil Gaiman

Gosh...how warm and fuzzy do we all feel now?

www.freewebs.com/amarindajones/
Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?