Red me up…

‘Had my hair done last night. I walked into the Salon - swish sounding but it's just a shop about a block from my house - and...let’s call her... Zoe …shrieked when she saw me. Zoe is the salon owner and she only ever fills in on rare occasions. I like Zoe a lot - except I refuse to let her cut my fringe (bangs(?)) as she always cuts it too short and I look like a five year old. She thinks fringes should be short and always says “what are you hiding from?” Nothing, I just don't want to pluck my eyebrows and I wouldn’t be me without hair in eyes. Anyway, she shrieked because firstly she had not seen me in ages and secondly my hair was its 'natural' colour and "bloody hell that really suits you,” she said. I know - who knew what you were born with was correct for you? I had gone back to natural brown for a while because I had run out of time to sit for a couple of hours to get the whole red streaks thing done on a regular basis. Anyway we discussed the natural look for a while before we both agreed to slather my hair with intense red dye and foils once more. Actually Zoe wanted me to go blonde but I just wasn’t feeling blonde....you have to be don’t you?

One of the many things I like about Zoe is that she can talk non stop in a breathless way and she looks all agog and sprinkles the conversation with 'oh shut up' when she thinks something is amazing. She was appalled when I told her how I dry my hair at the gym after a shower before going to work. "Oh shut up- you do not!" Well, shut up I do. You know the automatic hand dryers that blow warm air? I turn the nozzle around and use that ala Madonna in Desperately Seeking Susan - well, it's the same principle isn’t it as a blow dryer.

Zoe has a never ending chocolate supply that we all munch on and she provides wine and beer as she wanders around cutting and colouring. Basically we're all happy and drunk. One thing about Zoe. She thinks she is a great painter. She's not - her artwork is...well...um...I like to call it challenging. She likes that description. It's one that could mean anything and frankly trying to think about something nice to say about her work is a challenge. I try not to drink much wine while I'm there just in case I become suddenly truthful and blurt out how I really feel about her paintings – which adorn the shop. But I guess it's all about beauty being in the eye of the beholder isn't it?

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

I swear....

I'm swearing off men...and no, I'm not going to bat for the other side either. But I just can't, at this moment, understand the need for men. Oh sure - yes, they can be amusing up to a point and the whole reaching up high for stuff and unscrewing jar lids thing is useful but really, what is the point of them after that? I have discovered they're actually pretty damn irritating when you have to deal with them for any length of time on an ongoing basis. I actually believe that Eve made Adam take the bloody apple hoping somehow the wrath of god, or insert other cosmic being's name here, would split them up and she would have five seconds peace. But no, she got stuck with him for life and the rest as they say is history or legend or maybe just bad luck.

I don't dislike men. I just can't work out how they think, why they say the stuff they do, nor do I get the whole master of the universe thing and I'm too tired to try and work out the code now. I suppose if you married young and raised a man up with you then you would have them to a point where you could say 'sit' and 'stay' but I'm to busy to take a pet - er, man - on now. And that whole mind of their own thing? What’s that about? Who needs it? And all the emotions you have because of them? Pukeable. If I wanted more angst in my life I could kick my broken toe or try to epilate my under arms again for that.

As god, or insert cosmic being’s name here, is my witness...never again…give me chocolate – happy food - and a good book – drama - any day…and maybe just a bottle of Tequila because…well just because.

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Damn straight Batfink...

Exactly - and I am tougher for it and that's a good thing.

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Fruit loops....

Okay…I’m confused…how can you be a fan of someone when you have no idea who they are? I keep getting these requests to ‘become a fan’ of X. I look at X and think – who are you? Why are you trawling for people you don’t know to become fans? What’s that about? Am I missing something? Is it a case of the person who collects the most ‘fans’ wins? Is it like the ‘vote for me’ authors who win only because they have annoyed the crap out of everyone? Isn’t it better to have genuine fans rather than bored people who click the acceptance button just so you don’t keep harassing them to become your fan? Maybe it’s a self esteem thing. Is there a warm, fuzzy feeling to be gotten knowing you have collected a bunch of fans and you can look at a list of them? And what are they fans of exactly? Most perplexing…if you know, please advise.

The other thing I don’t get when it comes to the whole publishing thing is group loops…sort of like Fruit Loops. Basically you get an assorted bunch of people together on a Yahoo loop, make rules for everyone to be ‘nice’ to everyone else and then chaos ensues. By chaos I mean you have a diverse range of people and none of them are going to ever mix successfully no matter how sweet they all sound. Loop people –

1. The fervent cheer leaders who want everyone to get along. Yeah right. How many sub groups of sub groups splinter off loops and bitch about their loopy friends?
2. The needy people. There is nothing wrong with need but no one wants to hear every miserable detail of your life as we all have our own miserable details to deal with – give us a break.
3. The people - writers – who are trying to keep all their writing personalities in order. You know they have several names and all of them are ‘secret’ but they always end up outing themselves by using the wrong email address to post and then we all have to pretend we never saw that sweet romance writer Mary is really writing as erotica writer Candi and sometimes as gay man Torquil to appeal to the MM readers.
4. Out and out bitches who say what they think and make the loop go all quiet – I like them.
5. Those that once you leave a loop – either forced out through natural attrition or just plain need to leave a fruit loop – treat some people like pariahs as ‘You are not one of us anyone.’ Honey, I was never one of you. The lobotomy never took.
6. The ‘look-at-me’ people – see comments above about fan collectors and vote riggers. These people continuously want you to look at them and frankly you just want them to bugger off and annoy someone else.

Honestly as much as the internet is a fantastic thing in bringing people together, divorcing them from you makes it damn hard.

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www.amarindajones.blogspot.com
Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Voices...

I used to have this lecturer at University – absolute arrogant prick – who was taking us through The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. I had many issues with this book and it’s sexist, religious overtones. Yes, I know it was written decades ago but it pissed me off and I’m not one to nod and smile and agree something is good just because everyone else says it is. The lecturer and I used to get into arguments over the book. He liked it. I thought it was crap and my essays were written accordingly. Yes, I did pass that course. Anyway, this lecturer had the best voice. I think that’s why I argued with him. The course was dumb and it had no relevance to anything I would do later in life – he was arrogant but damn he had a beautiful, passionate voice. I believe it was the only reason I turned up to class.

Have you ever heard a voice that makes you get all hot and cold and trembling and you can’t remember what the hell you were saying and whatever it was it can’t have been as important as listening to that voice. It’s the type of voice that you hang on every word because you just want to. It’s a voice that is indescribable. It grabs at you and holds you and you know you will never forget the sound of them again. No? Me neither…just something I’m thinking about…

To all you mothers out there – have a great day and I hope that those you love appreciate how amazing you are in their lives. To those whose mothers have passed, I believe they never really leave our lives…they are still whispering in our ears to make sure we wear clean undies…and fold things properly…and did I teach you to iron like that? And toast for dinner? And sit up straight….comb your hair…you have such a pretty face…you’re not wearing that are you…

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Sheer madness…

…but it’s so much fun. Hoping you are the same.

*******************************************
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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Nongs…

Nong = nitwit in Aussie speak…

So this man came into work and scared the crap out of everyone in reception. Did he have a weapon? Only his big, fat mouth. Snap. I have one of those too. Was he deranged? Probably to take me on.

I handle money every day. You pay me, I’ll give you a receipt. Quibble over money with me - just because you can - and don’t have a leg to stand on? You’re going to lose. Upset other women in the office who are just trying to do their job? I don’t think so.

Anyway, I got called out to deal with this prick – er customer - and his money. He was tall, arrogant, built like a brick shit house. Then there’s me – short, broken toe and pissy attitude as I was up to my arse in other work and dealing with this nong wasn’t on my agenda. “Just shut up and pay” is my motto.

His problem? Let’s call him Arnold…he wanted an iron clad guarantee that what he ordered would not be delayed or buggered up. My answer? “Nothing is ever guaranteed in life, Arnold.” He said he wasn’t paying the balance. I said – “it’s pretty simple then - you won’t get the product.” Have you ever noticed when you are having these moments you know people are watching the fireworks but are too scared to come out and stand beside you? Great support huh? Anyway, he rattled on angrily on about integrity, honour, decency, doing the right thing, Batman, apple pie, puppy dogs - I don’t know - I stopped listening after a while - all the time trying to stand over me. I stood, hands on hips, and listened in silence. Silence is an excellent weapon as people run out of steam eventually if no one fights back with them – and when I have my hands on my hips? Watch out - I am immovable.

“So will you guarantee my order?” My answer – ‘Here’s the thing Arnold, no I will not. Stuff happens. No one can guarantee anything in life. It’s madness to do so. You could walk out the door now and drop dead after paying me and there is no guarantee even then that in death your kin will get your product. If you want to go elsewhere – go ahead. If you want to pay and deal with the challenge of all the uncertainties of life then I will take your money.’

He asked my name again. I told him. He thought for a moment then asked would I give him a receipt. Sure? Paying cash? He then started griping on about our 3 day clearance on cheques. “Yes, we have that, Arnold – so what is your decision?” Arnold paid cash. Arnold tried to get a discount using sudden charm. Charm offensive did not work. Arnold paid exact amount owing right down to the last ten cent piece. Why? Because I’m not giving this nong any lee-way whatsoever.

I believe Arnold learned a lesson. Not all women will be cowed by a man and standing over someone just means you are taller and not smarter.

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?