Hmmmm....

I was grocery shopping after work and I went up this aisle and I came across this married couple arguing about rice cakes. Yeah. Rice cakes.  Anyway, they were having one of those terse yet deadly cool battles that had the air crackling around them as they fought in tight, small words over which flavour of rice cake to get or ‘do you want, crackers again, Harry.’ How do I know they were married? Rings on their fingers and also married people have that look about them. I can only describe it as a scary, settled look. Single people have that  ‘I’ll buy whatever I damn well like look.’ Anyway this pair had me wondering. Do people living in sin have less arguments? Are rice crackers a deal breaker or a compromise? Saint or sinner? Rice cakes or ordinary crackers? Hmmmm…..   

The cultivation of helplessness…

It’s been one of those weeks…

Yesterday, Patrick my car, lost the plot and set the alarm off on me in the car park after work...beep, beep...frigging beep, beep over and bloody over again. Why? Oh who knows? All I did was open the boot (trunk) and toss stuff in. Then I opened the car and got in to drive it – that’s when it spakked out as if I was an intruder. Sod of a thing. “It’s me – Amarinda - you big lug.” Patrick didn’t care so I started yelling at him to shut up. He kept beeping. I turned the car off and pulled out the key. It kept beeping. “What do you want from me I yelled? I have been a work all day! I have problems to burn and now you want to try it on?” I don’t think Patrick is the compassionate sort. This may stem from the fact he has Betty Boop car seat covers and a crystal and a Buddha hanging illegally from the rear-view mirror. But he has to deal with it. I require these things in the car.

Anyway, I got out of the spakking out car and opened the boot and then shut it. I figured Patrick was having an issue with me touching the boot….prissy bloody thing. Sure enough, the beeping stopped carrying on. O-kay. We were both once more calm. I got in the car and started it. Beep-frigging-poxy-beep started again. I did the open shut boot thing again and eventually Patrick shut the hell up. Yeah, but for how long? Since we were both momentarily calm I knew what I had to do. I was forced to get out the car owners manual. It had no help in it at all. Typical. I always knew instructions were a waste of frigging time. After another couple of rounds of beeping and swearing I got out of the car, locked it, paced around and explained “I am not in the mood for this Patrick.” I believe he sensed that by my pissed-offed-ness and that possibly I was going to kick him for when I got back into the car he was purred like a kitten when I turned the key. Just like a man. Make a big song and dance about nothing to get my attention.

Anyway this morning when I got to work various males told me they heard the alarm and watched what I did until it stopped beeping. “Hmm…did you think of helping me?” The response? “No - you look like the capable sort.” Right. Thanks - not. Yes, I am capable and of course I can do everything so no one ever thinks to help me. It’s my own fault. Everyone assumes I am capable. I am thinking about cultivating helplessness…that or get a duck or maybe two for the backyard. How does a duck help me – in any way? Well it doesn’t but then as I said it’s been one of those weeks… a duck can’t hurt surely….

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Polly wanna’ cracker….

...no, stick your cracker in your ear. ‘Not well at the moment and the only thing I can eat is dry crackers and I swear to god if I have another one I will scream at the universe for bringing this foul plague of crackers down upon me. I am luckily rarely ever sick but when I am I don’t do it calmly or patiently. Whinge, bitch, grizzle, moan. I hate not being in control and I have a feeling the universe is giggling its fat arse off at me now.

I’m not a pet person. How do I go from my rampant dislike of crackers at the moment to pets? Well, I just can….but seriously or not seriously as the case may be and let’s face it the world is too damned serious at the moment so veering off into any non serious subject seems a good idea. Pets – or in this case stuffed pets. Someone stole someone else’s toy dog at work yesterday. No ransom note was left leaving us to believe either one of two things – 1. the toy dog left of it’s own accord because it was tired of being treated like a play thing or 2. Aliens descended one night in the deserted work place and thought a toy poodle was what human beings looked like and they have taken it back to experiment on.

Un-work like related office knick knacks are sacred objects in the work place. They are the things that keep people sane. I don’t have any myself as I rely on paper clips - to make long non glamorous necklaces out of - and sticky tape -makes excellent suspension bridges between desks until someone foolishly walks into it and breaks the bridge and then your whole day of work has been wasted. However stuffed animals and photos of pets are often plastered around people’s desk. I know that people’s pets are their babies but damn it’s hard to say something polite about a pet photo when some of them are butt ugly looking critters isn’t it? Oh he looks – um – like, er, he would be able to…um eat a lot of food and er sleep a lot. Or my, that’s a lovely looking lizard - when it’s really a hairless cat.

So back to Polly and crackers. I often wish that when people chatter inanely to creatures like Polly the parrot that Polly would say “Piss off, lady. I don’t want cracker – bring me tim tams and a bottle of tequila with a straw.” That’s my kind of pet.

And this is my kind of office… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUpv-R1qBi0

May your day be cracker free.

www.amarindajones.com
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Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?