And...and...and....

http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/dating-coach-damien-diecke-offers-words-of-advice-to-single-ladies-looking-for-a-man/story-fnet0gly-1226747756571

Well, there you go. So, let him know you’re interested and that you know what you want in a man and smile and make your intentions clear and reply to his texts and his phone calls and be engaging with him and compliment him and be seductive and fetch his pipe and slippers, have his dinner cooked and...and...and…

I don’t like the idea a woman has to revert back to 1950’s actions to attract a man. What happened to two people meeting and talking and maybe stuff happening. There’s too much pressure on women to be coupled up. I’ve been there, done that, kicked the rule book to the curb.

What I think, non-expert-guru-on-nothing-in-particular-at-all that I am, is be yourself. If something happens it’s happens. If it doesn’t then maybe it’s never going to and that, despite the advice divas, is not the end of the world. You’re with yourself a long time – longer than any partner or lover. Consider complimenting yourself.

And if  “YOU'RE pretty, smart, ambitious and all your friends say you're a catch, yet you're always the one at the wedding or dinner party who doesn't have a date…” you can and are allowed to go alone. Don’t be sucked in by stereotypical bullshit.   

Hmmmm....

I was grocery shopping after work and I went up this aisle and I came across this married couple arguing about rice cakes. Yeah. Rice cakes.  Anyway, they were having one of those terse yet deadly cool battles that had the air crackling around them as they fought in tight, small words over which flavour of rice cake to get or ‘do you want, crackers again, Harry.’ How do I know they were married? Rings on their fingers and also married people have that look about them. I can only describe it as a scary, settled look. Single people have that  ‘I’ll buy whatever I damn well like look.’ Anyway this pair had me wondering. Do people living in sin have less arguments? Are rice crackers a deal breaker or a compromise? Saint or sinner? Rice cakes or ordinary crackers? Hmmmm…..   

Genderalization…

"You know, maybe part of the problem is we need to go back into the schools at a very early age, maybe at the grade school level, and have a class for the young girls and have a class for the young boys and say, you know, this is what’s important. This is what a father does that is maybe a little different, maybe a little bit better than the talents that a mom has in a certain area. And the same thing for the young girls, that, you know, this is what a mom does, and this is what is important from the standpoint of that union which we call marriage.”

http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2013/06/19/2182311/gingrey-teach-gender-roles/

Thirty odd years ago, as an army brat, we moved schools. No surprise with that. Army brats move. What did surprise me is I moved from a high school in one region that was progressive to a high school that was so behind the times that I was stunned at the gender stereotypes that were inflicted upon me because I was a teenage girl. I went from choosing subjects where I could learn to weld, drill and do manual, handy person type jobs to being told that my only options as a girl were home economics (cooking and sewing) and mothercraft (how to care for a baby). I felt trapped in a world I was being forced into against my will. I was being told it was expected that I would be a homemaker and a baby machine. They were my only options. My mother wasn’t thrilled about it either. She didn’t believe in anyone pigeon holing her kids. So, at 13, I railed against it. I went out of my way, as teenagers do, to be deliberately crap at these two subjects for two long years. If I had not had a mother who inspired me to be anything I wanted to be despite gender, I would have been less than I am now. Not all kids have that freedom or support.

I am totally against gender stereotypes. No one should be told to follow a certain path due to genetics. Not all women cook, clean and have babies. Not all men do technical, manual labor. People – despite gender – are diverse individuals with their own beliefs and goals. I worry about politicians, like this one above, who advocate what a woman and a man should be like so teach kids that in school. I wonder about people who do not see the underlining threat of stereotyping genders.

I still get gender stereotypes pushed onto me. Just recently, I stood at my father’s funeral, beside my brother, who I had not seen in 13 years. His main concern appeared to be that I was neither married or had a partner in tow. In fact, I believe he would have been relieved if I announced I was a lesbian so I could be slotted into society somewhere. I’m not gay but I get people like him need to pigeon hole others… “She’s not married. She’s not gay. What is wrong with her? Why is she single? How can she stand alone?”

My answer? I can and I do. I am who I am. You are who you are. Bugger off if you don’t like it. Your approval is not required.  

Expendable my arse...

So, I got an email from someone saying they were interested in pubbing a story of mine because they were looking for someone who wrote about heroines with an expendable income. Ah, no…I don’t, not unless we’re talking about average working women whose money goes towards paying bills, eating and the odd treat here and there. You know like me – like you – that kind of expendable. I was kind of surprised by their request especially when they named Accidentally in Love as one of the expendable women stories. Ah, no…it’s not. The heroine is based on me. An Office Manager who has issues with a nitwit manager who has a bell ringing fetish. She works for a living. She pays bills and stuff. Write what you know I say.

I started to wonder what ‘expendable income’ means to people. I would think it means disposal and superfluous. It also sounds pretty damn shallow in a blonde heiress way. But then I wonder if some people see a strong, independent woman making it on her own as someone who is considered successful and ipso facto has money to burn. I gotta tell you that being single doesn’t mean you have any more money to burn because you have no dependents. It doesn’t. Don’t even go there. Single women will be reading this and thinking ‘yep, exactly.’ But maybe some people with limited vision see it like that.

Can I help you with a book about an airhead with an expendable income? No. I write about women I know. Ain’t no one I know got money, sister.   

Clones...

 

So, my brother rang my father and asked what was wrong with me. Again. Really – that’s a big question to ask. Where does anyone start on something like that? Anyway, my brother, who I haven’t spoken to in a very long time and even then it ended badly, can’t or won’t grasp that I’m single. In his world, women get married. In mine, women do whatever the hell they want. It’s pretty simple. After hearing this never ending question about why I’m not married, I have to ask what business is it of his or anyone else’s?  Hmmm? And no, I’m not a lesbian. And yes, if I was I think that would at least make him feel better – irritated – but better and he could explain it to those of his snotty ilk who would nod their carefully coiffured heads and say ‘well, that makes sense. All single women are lesbians after all. Pass the gin, Binky.’ No, I’m not hideously scarred and hiding a tragic past and no, again, I’m not waiting for my prince to come because I can get by on by own and I’m not about to hook up with some sap on a horse. I don’t like riding horses.  

The thing is, in a world of people all wanting to follow popular trends, dress alike, listen to the same music and eat what’s hip and trendy being an individual with thoughts of your own and making decisions based on what suits you and no one else is threatening to some people. They're scared of people who can get by on their own. To them I say bugger off. I can’t help it if I refuse to clone.  To my brother, I say look at your own life before you judge another’s.

Pot Me Not...

I had a friend say to me that he was going to set me up with – let’s call him Max. My friend looked at me like this was a logical idea and he explained the reason why Max and I should be set up together – we’re apparently exactly the same kind of person. I listened politely to my friend all the time thinking how little we know other people sometimes. Anyway, once he had finished the reasons why Max and I were an obvious couple, I asked him why did he think I needed matching up? Why would I want someone exactly like me? Did Max want matching up? And why did he need to match either of us up? While, intentions can be pure, sweet and caring, intentions are often misguided. Yes, the old analogy that there is a ‘lid to every pot’ is quaint and often true, it doesn’t mean all single people are out to get potted. And why, do people who are already in coupledom need to inflict it on single people? Often, there are bloody good reasons why some people are single. They want to be. They can get by on their own and they aren't scared of doing so.

Pot me?  No thanks. I’m doing fine and if Max is anything like me, I bet he is too. If the spirit so moves us towards another it's because it's meant to be and not arranged and not under the influence of finding a lid.  

Coupledom...

I was at a friends place the other day.  They’re a couple. I find coupledom somewhat of a cult and frankly weird. Have you noticed couples always seem to be together and they go out with other couples or they actively search for couple friends and they often tell you that which makes you, as a single, person query the weirdness of couples telling you this and you start thinking cult and whether you should contemplate an intervention. And if you’re at a function where there are only couples? It’s weird. My father has a saying ‘it’s like being a spare dick at a wedding.’ I didn’t say it was a poetic saying or one of deep spiritual meaning but it basically indicates you’re on your own because couples speak in a couple language that omits every third and fourth word to confuse the single. No really. You listen to a gaggle of couples and they say things like “We went ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­______   ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­______ with Binky ________   ________ and Bonky said _________  ­­­­­­­­ ___________ and we _______ __________ blue umbre­llas." It’s like that sound only dogs can hear. It’s weird man.   ­

But the freakiest thing is when faced by a gaggle of couples at a party and they listen to what you’re doing, as a single person, and their eyes glaze over because you’re not in a couple, you don’t have a precocious, snotty kid and you don’t even have a family dog called Jemima to redeem you as you tell cute remember when flea ridden Jemima ate the postman and how we laughed stories. Essentially Dr Seuss was correct. If you find someone weird you fall in love and become a couple. Ipso facto – couples are weird and single people are normal.