Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Polly wanna’ cracker…., stick your cracker in your ear. ‘Not well at the moment and the only thing I can eat is dry crackers and I swear to god if I have another one I will scream at the universe for bringing this foul plague of crackers down upon me. I am luckily rarely ever sick but when I am I don’t do it calmly or patiently. Whinge, bitch, grizzle, moan. I hate not being in control and I have a feeling the universe is giggling its fat arse off at me now.

I’m not a pet person. How do I go from my rampant dislike of crackers at the moment to pets? Well, I just can….but seriously or not seriously as the case may be and let’s face it the world is too damned serious at the moment so veering off into any non serious subject seems a good idea. Pets – or in this case stuffed pets. Someone stole someone else’s toy dog at work yesterday. No ransom note was left leaving us to believe either one of two things – 1. the toy dog left of it’s own accord because it was tired of being treated like a play thing or 2. Aliens descended one night in the deserted work place and thought a toy poodle was what human beings looked like and they have taken it back to experiment on.

Un-work like related office knick knacks are sacred objects in the work place. They are the things that keep people sane. I don’t have any myself as I rely on paper clips - to make long non glamorous necklaces out of - and sticky tape -makes excellent suspension bridges between desks until someone foolishly walks into it and breaks the bridge and then your whole day of work has been wasted. However stuffed animals and photos of pets are often plastered around people’s desk. I know that people’s pets are their babies but damn it’s hard to say something polite about a pet photo when some of them are butt ugly looking critters isn’t it? Oh he looks – um – like, er, he would be able to…um eat a lot of food and er sleep a lot. Or my, that’s a lovely looking lizard - when it’s really a hairless cat.

So back to Polly and crackers. I often wish that when people chatter inanely to creatures like Polly the parrot that Polly would say “Piss off, lady. I don’t want cracker – bring me tim tams and a bottle of tequila with a straw.” That’s my kind of pet.

And this is my kind of office…

May your day be cracker free.
Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?