You’ve got mail because I got the receipt….

When I send important emails that I want to know have been received and read, I tag them for that purpose so I know the reader has it. Pretty obvious, logical stuff right? I even like to forward on the reader’s read receipt to them if they are too pig ignorant to respond to my first email to let them know that I know they have read that email. These are the same people who cannot pay my royalties on time and correctly. A polite where is my cheque email is always greeted with the plethora of silence.

So, reasons why people – usually those in a position of power - do not respond to email…

- Pig ignorance – pretend you don’t have the email and therefore you cannot know anything about it.
- You know you are doing the wrong thing but it’s easier to avoid a response than tell the truth
- Hope that the author will forget and go away. Nuh-uh. Where’s my goddamn money?
- Tell everyone there is a dreadful spam problem at head office with emails and therefore you cannot respond to emails because you’re supposedly are not getting them even though you are reading them. Uh huh…not a great story that one.

Here’s what I think and do. I acknowledge every email even if the sender irritates the crap out of me. It’s the polite and businesslike thing to do. If you are doing the wrong thing then silence makes you look even more guilty. Suggestions for the email responses– please feel free to use them when you get my next email…

Dear Amarinda

Your cheque was sent on X date. If you don’t have it by Y date, please get back to me straight away as we do not want to screw you over when it comes to your money.

Or

Dear Amarinda

The carrier pigeons we use to send cheques overseas are sick. We are awaiting their full recovery before they can have post satchels attached to their tiny, little legs.

Or

Dear Amarinda

The entire office staff was taken over by aliens last week and the green goo they left behind got on our cheque books. We have asked the bank to print more.

See? It’s not hard to write a bullshit excuse to cover ineptitude.

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