Of perverts and geraniums...

I had a cleanup of the garden at home. When I bought the new house I knew it had a weird garden. As I was cleaning up, a landscape dude came to give me a quote for paving out the back. He looked at the garden out front as he passed and pointed to one area and said “What do you think they were thinking when they did that?” The area is question is one I call “The perverts stand.” Why? Well it was this rocky area in front of the sunroom window and was bare of everything but for stones, strangely bent wood and weeds. A good friend of mine indicated it looked like somewhere a pervert would stand with his nose to the window. Hmmm...anyway, it is no more and any passing pervert will be disappointed.

I like simple, old fashioned hardy plants that kick the arse of trendy plants that last one season and cark it (die). So I planted impatiens, geraniums, marigolds and daisies. I’m a simple soul…no really, I bloody am…I am also knackered as hell and pissed off the ‘kink free’ hose I bought was very kinky. Hmmm…I don’t mind kinky but not in garden equipment…I shall be having ‘words’ with them....I want no hoses with sexual perversions.

Say what?

The things I heard today…

*At Stockland Shopping Centre, Cairns – one women to another about the royal wedding –

“Well, at least after the wedding she can get fat and not shave her legs.”

Ah, so that’s what marriage is all about.

*When I dropped by to say a quick hello at a very busy friend’s workplace -

“Yes I am busy but come in, sit down and I’ll ignore you.”

My response - “Just what a woman wants to hear.” Lucky I’m fond of him…

*At work, Friday arvo just before a long weekend when only 2 of us were left in the office with 20 mins before closing –

“Fuck it, let’s go now.” We went. I’m not silly.

My 76 year old father’s view on what the Kate – oops ‘Catherine’ Middleton will wear on the big day –

“A bikini would look nice.”

Hmmm…I don’t think so

Hoping you are the same….

Playing devil’s advocate…

An erotic romance writer was recently outed by journalistic pond scum looking for a story. So they targeted this person and announced that she wrote erotica. This then of course stirred up narrow minded hillbilly nongheads in her community who were ‘shocked’ and ‘horrified’ that someone they knew was creative enough to have the gumption to get out there and write something that others enjoyed reading. Utter wankers.

And yes – correct - what someone writes or what name they write under is no ones business. They should be free to do it. And how can their words possibly, in the slightest way, taint another? That person, despite the use of a pen name, is still the same person she was before she was outed as writing erotica. They’re only writing what others are thinking or fantasizing.

Now, the other side of the coin – while I absolutely do not agree with what these idiots did by outing this writer, I also have to point out this - if you write erotica under a pen name there’s a bloody good chance that one day you’ll be outed. Yes, you should be able to write what you want without fear of what your family or authority figures think but life just isn’t that simple. Romance writing, despite the title of ‘romance’ is not a pretty business. It’s tough, bitchy and controversial. Journalistic pond scum would feed on that. I’m not shocked by what happened and I can’t pretend to be no matter how many emails are sent to me telling me I should be outraged.

Bottom line to me? Let it only be known to a few trial-by-fire close friends what your pen name is if you fear exposure. No, it’s not fair but life isn’t is it? And, if you write under an assumed name? Consider what might happen if you do get outed like this writer. And no, you don't have to agree with me...that's what free speech and the ability to write is all about. And telling me to be outraged because everyone else is? Not on, sunshine.

I ponder…

I noticed one of the publishers is now putting more books into print than ever. That makes me suspicious. Why? Well previously before, with this mob, you had to literally beg or suck up big time to prove you were worthy of your story going into a paperback. Now, between you, me and the garden post there is stuff all monetary return in a print book – unless I guess you’re JK Rowling or it’s a re-print of War & Peace or the Bible. So, I ponder why all of a sudden they’re putting out print books for authors who they never considered ‘worthy’ of them before? Possibly wanting to keep the authors they have from leaving as many have before them? Hmm…

Also, they seem to be using the same cover models over and over again. You know when you have no money and you re-use things until their limp and ragged and you’re sick to death of them? I’m wondering if that’s the same deal here. Use cover model Hunky H Hunk like an over-worked tea bag because he’s locked into a contract and costs less than other models.

Interesting times to ponder in romance land…

False advertising…

I’m not a best selling author. That’s simple fact. My books sell sometimes lots. Sometimes not lots. Like me. Hate me. I’ll still dabble in the writing lark because I can.

However, there is a bunch of writers who will tell you they are best selling, famous, are adored by readers all over the world and a bunch of other stuff that is amazingly crapacious. Uh huh. Funny thing is I never see these “famous” author gals on the best seller lists they tell you they’re on. Why is that? Is it could be due to the fact they’re not actually best sellers in reality and they’re lying their arses off. Why bother? Lies are always uncovered.

The thing is that 95%of people who dabble in writing are not going to be famous or best selling. It’s fact. It’s a tough business that can break your heart and spirit if you let it and while, selling yourself is one thing and saving face is another, if you’re not ‘best selling’ then I would suggest you drop that ‘best selling’ tag and settle for that of “writer” and be damned grateful and amazed if someone puts down hard earned cash to buy your book.

Think about it…don’t we all get pissed off when we buy some whiz bang product that doesn’t live up to the hype? If you buy a book by a poodle carrying Rochelle Desdamona-Destiny Beauchamp, who tells you she’s a best selling romance writing diva and you take her word for it, and her book is crap and you can’t see her ever being on a best seller list then I would reckon you have every right to be pissed at her false advertising.

Not a best seller? That’s ok. Work on it but don’t use false advertising as you’ll look stupid when someone searches for your name in the best selling list and they can't find it. Ever. Pretty damn simple stuff there.

And yeah, you know who you are.

After a fast weekend away visiting family…

This is what I know…

- Life is short – do what you want, say what you mean and be with whoever you want regardless of consequences.
- looks are deceptive – a small, sewing machine of a car can be raced like a formula one car through the chicanes when you’re trying to meet a deadline
- Americans – god love ‘em – are frigging loud in a confined space
- telling an American they are frigging loud confuses the hell out of them but damn they’re polite.

- Flight attendants don’t have to be attractive, just thin and be able to say the same thing over and over again.
- the security dude at Brisbane airport who searched me had no sense of humour which is funny considering I was the one getting searched.
- people driving emblazoned church/Christian school vans believe that gives them the right to speed alarmingly. I say it gives them the right to crash and their god will not necessarily save them from a ticket or a messy death
-old age is a bitch. I have a reminder on my calendar to die before that
- hotels beds are modeled on equipment from the Spanish inquisition
- I’m doing pretty okay considering my ratbag ideas
- while nipples on a cover are perceived as bad there’s apparently no reason for a man to be between a woman’s legs. Get rid of him and you’re suddenly acceptable…I don’t wanna’ be acceptable
- there is no place like home

Lest we forget...

"The British troops were suffering from 'an atrophy of mind and body that is appalling... The physique of those at Suvla is not to be compared with the Australians. Nor, indeed, is their intelligence... They are merely a lot of childlike youths without strength to endure or brains to improve their condition... After the first day at Suvla an order had to be issued to officers to shoot without mercy any soldiers who lagged behind or loitered in an advance... [By contrast] It is stirring to see them [the Australians].. they have the noble faces of men who have endured. Oh, if you could picture Anzac as I have seen it, you would find that to be an Australian is the greatest privilege the world has to offer'

Phillip Knightley quoting Keith Murdoch, father of Rupert, who wrote from Gallipoli in 1915.
Australia: A Biography of a Nation, 2000

"Gallipoli was a bastard of a place," he said. "I never understood what we were fighting for. All I could think of was that I never wanted to go back to the bloody place."
Albert White, aged 100, Brisbane, Sydney Morning Herald, 17 May 2002

Anzac – Australia and New Zealand Army Corp – heroes and legends.

What is Anzac Day? Click here – http://www.anzacday.org.au/spirit/spirit2.html

To all Aussie and Kiwi diggers and those engaged in conflict away from their home soil. We are proud of you. The Anzac spirit lives on.

We do not glorify war on Anzac Day. Far from it. We remember the dreadful loss of lives in the many gallant battles fought by those brave young men who stepped forward when called upon to serve their country. Nor are we agressive, but we believe in showing the future enemy that we are so determined to defend our shores that he should think twice before taking on the Sons of Anzac!
Sir Colin Hines, President, R.S.L. (NSW) 1977

Easter...

May you have all the chocolate you wish for. Happy Easter Break. If you're on the roads be safe and come on back now.

Mine Forever...

New cover...you know, it's so different that I like it and it fits the story of the cyber world of Bleak House. Thanks Wicked Nights cover diva.

Sinn Fell…

So, I got this email from a reader/writer who had purchased a copy of Berengaria Brown’s story “Four-Way Split.” She asked who the editor Sinn Fell was. See? Only writers would read all the tiny print and sus out things like cover artists, editors, copyrights and how many numbers are in an ISBN. Normal people just read the actual story.

Anyway, Sinn Fell – no, not her real name, she’s a chick who emailed me on Amarinda mail and suggested if I was wandering off into the mad world of publishing with Scarlet Harlot Publishing she was the right editor for me. How so? Well, she pointed out she liked sex, drank, smoke, hardly slept and enjoyed tying up men in knots and she figured after reading my books and my blog we would get along and that I should take a chance on her as she had just finished her Uni degree in English lit and was looking for experience. Hmmm…a couple of things came to mind at her offer…I don’t smoke, erotica is not lit – more clit and this was a woman who sounded like she wasn’t lacking in 'experience'. So, we came to an agreement and Sinn Fell joined me at the Harlot.

As for the picture? Every time I get an email from Ms Fell, I picture someone like this. Welcome aboard, Sinn

The nipple that launched a thousand arguments…

So, I’ve been waging a war with Amazon Kindle over a book cover. At this stage the cover for Sinner is forbidden by them. Every other publishing site doesn’t have an issue with it but they do. Apparently it’s morally objectionable. Forbidden. Naughty. And there is that nipple – the nipple that launched a thousand arguments. Hmm…the second cover is what they are using on their site in Europe. Yes, there is a US and UK equivalent.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004WPP26G

Now riddle me this Batman, if Sinner is so objectionable how is the cover below, on their smut/erotica site acceptable? It’s not like we don’t know what Helen wants is it? And she has both nipples showing. Hmmm...double standards there Amazon Kindle.

The Geebung gift...

I was reading something on facebook last night that reminded me once more the best thing I ever did was to work at a place that was filled with incompetent, miserable, backbiting people with no vision or imagination. Without them I would never have taken the dramatic leap and moved my life from all that was familiar and safe to another city. Thanks Geebung.

Spak out…

Angry emails from colleagues at work are always enjoyable. I have to admit I enjoy it when someone loses the plot and spaks out and sends a ‘are you taking the piss????’ email to fellow co-workers. We had one at work. Let’s call her, Gwendolyn, typed out a furious email that was fueled by hormones and tight knickers and indicated in not the slightest bit polite terms that we were all stupid and trying to drive her mad. Ah - so she worked out our fiendish plot and one would suggest after reading Gwendolyn’s spak out that the ‘drive’ would be a short one.

Here’s what I think – yep, I absolutely agree you should say what you think about things. Nothing ever gets changed until you do – but for god sake, take two, long deep breaths and refrain from swearing in emails to and at colleagues as that’s something no one forgets at work is it?

Loose translations -
Taking the piss = joking around
Spak = sudden anger

Next stop, world domination....

Last night, I sat up, or really more like I crawled around in the wee hours, and put my glass and steel desk together. Unlike other mortals, I don’t need sleep and a flat packed desk in 157 pieces is a challenge I cannot resist. So, with the aid of the ever useful Alan key, a great deal of swearing and something that looked like an earring I might wear, I got that desk together. Today, I take on the world….

Go west, east, north and south grumpy, young man…

Back to the day job. I get to tell men all over Australia where to go. They hate the ‘call’ from me telling them I need this and that done and when will you be doing it pretty-please-eyelash-flutter-Doc-Martens-poised-to-stamp if the wrong answer or competing attitude bounces off mine. Do I enjoy the job? No, but it gives me a legitimate excuse to be a bossy boots...not that I need one...

I will finish unpacking today...

...I will not be enticed by bright, shiny objects...probably...I wish I had a sword...

Four-Way Split - All Romance Ebooks

Four-Way Split - All Romance Ebooks - out now at Scarlet Harlot Publishing

Good golly Miss Molly..."Sinner" has been banned/blocked/forbidden on Amazon Kindle...what the? Compared to some of the smut on there it's like Rececca of Sunnybrook Farm holds hands with Greg Brady...oh yeah...I'm fighting it...Mother would be so proud...no one messes with her kids

Here’s what I think…

You love who you love against all logic and reason and there is stuff all you can do about it. Fight it? Sure. Hide from it? Okay. Go with it and rely on chocolate to get you through? Yep…I’ll take door number 3, Bob.

New cover...

I like it...hands are in the most interesting places...

Insert male to female...

I’ve been trying to find a male part that will insert into a female part. It’s not easy. Anyone with tell you that. What you ask? Well, it’s all about a TV antenna connection. I have a TV. I have a lead. It’s too big for the hole. I have to find a corresponding male part to slot into the female hole. That then got me thinking about males and females in general and how some people wander the world looking for the right part that fits them. Some never do. This is probably why the sex toy industry was created. Parts for all holes. Yeah, I probably think too much….

Oh right…shut the door…

I’m big on privacy. I tend to wander aimlessly about the house naked. Why? Because I can.

At the new house, there is one sliding door, off the laundry without curtains. Right, I thought…I have several dozen curtains that I have made, from previous houses, that can cover that window…or maybe I can just shut door that leads into that area. Logic…hmmm…shut the door…that’d probably work…

Goggle eyed…

I went and got my eyes tested as per the usual check up deal. There’s glaucoma in the family and I simply refuse to get it. It’s like mammograms and pap smears and colonoscopies …a complete pain in various areas but prevention is better than cure.

Anyway, I don’t have glaucs – as the Jones call it – but I need an update on the glasses I use only for the computer. I have a boring astigmatism. But I’m lucky. I don’t need to wear glasses anywhere else. So I got the new specs. Whoa!!! Head rush…reality check…they cannot be worn anywhere but the computer. Why? It’s freaky man…like a drug trip. Everything else, non computer related, looks spaced out, dude…here’s a thought…get your hit through prescription glasses….

Moving on…

Three burly men turned up at my door and I said “Amarinda Zelda Jones how lucky are you?” Unfortunately, they didn’t want my body they wanted my packing boxes to move. Always the way isn’t it?

So, I have moved to XH – code word for bloody long name too hard to say all the time. There is crap strewn everywhere yet I feel more at home than I ever have in my entire life…but for the no soap holder deal…what’s that about? Where is one supposed to shove soap?

Sinner - All Romance Ebooks

Sinner - All Romance Ebooks He calls her sinner. She comes when he calls. But who is he? Payton Ray finds herself under the control of an unknown man who takes her in wild, dirty pleasure and leaves her wanting more.

Dark At Heart - All Romance Ebooks

Dark At Heart - All Romance Ebooks

Dark at Heart - horrotica - out now...my attempt at scary sexy...I do it naturally but not in story form....

One by one five friends start being killed off. Is it because they ventured somewhere they shouldn’t have? Does the sprit of a crazy old woman really have the power to kill? Or is it something more? Who is the man in the shadows?

Thea Watson is scared. She is trapped by the lust of one man and the uncertainty that surrounds a sexy stranger. She wants to give in to passion but will it make her the next victim?

Sex Me Up - All Romance Ebooks

Sex Me Up - All Romance Ebooks Cheap as chips, baby...they'll be another cheapie in the next day or so from Scarlet Harlot...

No, it’s not the bloody climb…

I was at the gym, in the ladies change room, coming out of the shower, when I heard Miley Cyrus and what sounded like a cat being strangled singing along to that song of hers about ‘it’s the climb.’ I stepped out half naked – fully naked you need beer goggles on to really appreciate me - and saw this other half naked woman with earphones on, with the volume up way too loud - I could hear Billy Ray’s daughter clearly – singing at the top of her lungs dancing around combing her hair. I dunno…free spirits – nature’s errant love children or science experiments gone wrong?

The picture? It’s of my letterbox at XH, my new home. I slapped a ‘no junk mail’ sticker on the mailbox as soon as I got out of the car. I cannot begin to tell you how much junk mail annoys me. Anyway, that’s Patrick, my car, to the left. The garden needs work, I have a bunch of fifty seven keys that could open anything from a door to the space shuttle to the liquor cabinet on the Titanic and for god sake whose idea was it to inflict vertical blinds on the world? They should be shot.

Mine, mine, mine…

Today at 3pm-ish I pick up the keys to XH. That’s the house I bought in Cairns. I can hardly wait. I've worked bloody hard for this and frankly I deserve it. I have loaded up Patrick, my stoic car, with stuff I can’t trust the movers with and after work I’m going over to the house to claim it is mine…mine, all mine. (insert fiendish laugh)

They're everywhere....

I got in trouble on facebook for showing the cover of Sinner. Why? Her nipple was clearly visible…apparently we can forget the fact that a man is between her legs…er…looking for maybe his car keys…it was the nipple that caused a spak out with facebook. Yes, I respect they have rules about nudity. But this is a nipple. Lift up your shirt. Most of us have them. They’re not new or obscene and I expect future generations will continue to have them. I think what interests me most is as a society a large percentage of people want to read the forbidden and be titillated – pardon the pun – by all things erotic – but for god sake – don’t put it on a cover! It has to be hidden behind a generic photo of a hero and heroine in the standard romantic clinch. Isn’t it far better to have a cover, like Sinner, which other than the ‘terrible’ nipple is the standard clinch photo, that is actually honest and reflects what the story is like inside? Or do we hide behind what is proper because others say so? And is a nipple less a nipple when covered by a sheer layer of fabric? Or does advertising or Hollywood sanitize nipples?

Here’s what I know…

….if someone does a job for you and you get your share of the payment then it’s not unreasonable for the other person – subcontractor, writer, whatever - to get their share. Contracts are like that. We’ll take this much and give you X in return once a month or quarter as the case may be. It’s all about honour and commitment and good business principles. You can lie your arse off and tell me cheques get sent every month on the same day to every single person, without fear or favour or nationality, but you know what? If I don’t get said cheque within a certain time period, and I hear others living in the same country as the cheque sender have not got theirs and it’s time for the next cheque to come out, well then I tend to think liar, liar, pants on fire. Publishing is a business. It’s as simple as that. You may set yourself up as demi-goddesses and expect to rest on dusty, rat eaten laurels of when you were at the top of your game but all the pretence in the world is not going to cover cash flow problems. So – pony up and pay or admit you’re in deep shite and that you can’t pay your authors. That’s what I know…

Sinner...

Coming soon from Scarlet Harlot Publishing™....

XH....

This time next week I’ll be moving to XH. What is XH? It’s the house I bought. Why do I call it XH? Well, the street name is a long one so me, being me, I’ve shortened it for convenience. The last year has been a mad one for changes. So much has happened. I was speaking to Miss T last night on the phone and I said I don’t regret the wild decisions, despite the dramas that ensued, I’ve made. Drama. Change. All a part of life and it led me to XH. Am I lucky? No, just willing to take a risk. Could I have fallen on my arse? Of course, but cellulite rebounds.