Sunday, 20 January 2008

Sunday ramblings…

Pardon my French, but fucking lizards. No, I don’t mean lizards fornicating. I mean as in appearing out of nowhere and scaring the crap out of you. What happened? I will tell you. A lizard the size of a crocodile – okay, that may be an exaggeration but he was a big bastard – how do I know it was a he? I just do as he looked like he was enjoying himself too much – anyway where was I – yes, that’s right – the lizard/undersized crocodile stuck it’s head – just it’s head - out from under a series of large rocks I have set up in the garden. I screamed and fell back over the lawn mower, landing on my arse breaking the cordless phone I had in my back pocket. I’m not dainty when I fall. It’s landing like a ton of bricks stuff. Thankfully the lawnmower wasn’t on. I scooted back on my arse at what seemed like a million miles an hour to get away from what I thought was a snake. All the time I was thinking – “Crap, I don’t want a snake in my yard – how can I get him to go into the neighbour’s yard?” Yes, very caring of me. Anyway, while I crawled to my knees, I kept a watchful eye on it as I reached for the broken remains of my phone and yes, surprisingly, no dial tone. I told myself I needed to note down the location and the colour of the snake. As I was trying to peer at him for any markings he moved again. I naturally screamed again and retreated backwards. That’s when I realized the snake had legs. It was a big arsed lizard. Much swearing ensued. The lizard was not impressed with my vocabulary and just flaked out like a sunbaker on one of the rocks and ignored me. Nature…who needs it?

Of late I have noticed that I have this habit of biting my knuckle on my left hand when I am thinking about something. I have developed a definite mark on this piece of gnawed at skin. What’s that all about? Weird. I originally had a habit of grabbing my fringe – bangs (strange word) – when I was thinking hard about something. Clearly I have to think less. I’m not stressed. If I was I would go downstairs and beat the crap out of the punching bag. But now, until I develop the ability to not think – I can only do this at work when being paid - I have to find something else to gnaw at. I’ll probably invest into strawberry bubblegum again.

Quiz: Are you ready for love?

Okay, this was title of a quiz in this morning’s Sunday paper. It had 14 questions that you had to answer yes or no to in order to work out of you were ready for loooove. If you answered yes to them you were apparently ready for loooove. If you answered no then you had to dress in a shroud, shave your head and hide apparently until you were ready for loooove. The questions….some of them I may have changed

1. You’re comfortable with yourself

2. You have your own personal goals

3. You can share Tim Tams.

4. You take responsibility for your own happiness

5. You have your ups and downs but life in general is pretty good with the choice of Tim Tams on the market.

6. You have close supportive relationships

7. Meeting someone would be great but you’re avoiding it due to the Tim Tam sharing issue

8. You’re comfortable with being single.

9. You see the right relationship as a bonus as long as lines are drawn as to Tim Tam sharing

10. You’re not looking for someone to fill the empty void as Tim Tams already do that.

11. You’re authentic. You’re not scared of being the real you but others are terrified of you

12. You take responsibility for your own happiness. You are capable of buying Tim Tams alone

13. You’re clear about what filling you want in a Tim Tam…I mean what you want in a relationship.

14. You’re over wasting your time on losers and inferior biscuits (cookies)

So there you have it. Yes - means go get that man or woman or sock puppet and make looove. No - crawl into the foetal position with chewy caramel Tim Tams and it will all work itself out. What do you need love for when you have chocolate, creamed filled biscuits?

Anny is talking out The Best of… on She has some strange ideas on wine. Kelly is talking about bathing in motor oil for a glowing, slimy complexion on or she may have a Sunday quote...I forget which one it is.
Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?


Sandra Cox said...

Your lizard blog is a classic.

Anny Cook said...

Shame on you for scaring that poor lizard. I'm surprised at you. I bet it was Grigorio, just visiting from the neighbor's yard. So did you ever mow?

I bet you went inside and had a Tim-Tam without sharing even a crumb with Grigorio. Bet.

Phoenix said...

Lily could find something to bark at if you tossed him over the fence. Go for it. Any bruises on your arse? Leave a keypad impression?

I know exactly why you did the quiz. It's the overwhelming reference to TimTams. You know what I think? This isn't a quiz about being ready for Looooove with a man, but in looooove with TimTams. ...Can you share them? What are they thinking?? Hell no.

barbara huffert said...

OMG you're too funny. If I were your neighbor I'd lurk whenever you went outside just to see what you got up to.

Molly Daniels said...

I love the snowman cartoon! And thanks for the laugh...

Anonymous said...

LOL! Geez! Can't have been that big if you thought it was a snake, luv ;) ;) (joke Joyce ;)). Probably a Blue tongue or Dragon. Glad you didn't hurt yourself too bad when you fell though.

Jacquéline Roth said...

Lizards I can handle. But just reading the words crocodile or alligator make me want to scream. (Yes, I know technically they are big lizards, but ...eewww) I have an irrational fear of the stupid things. I swear when I cross the border into Florida, the alligators are lined up waiting for me.

Bronwyn Green said...

Wait...Tim Tams come with a choice of filling? There is so much I have to learn.

BTW, I've tagged you for a meme. Come visit me here for the info.