Now look here, insignificant author type person…

This is a mass email to the mass of you author people. We have no idea who you are but we figured you may write for us or have written for us or looked sideways at us so basically we include the whole world in this email. That includes you Obama-dude. We want to apologize for our slack-arseness in responding. We have been…tick the applicable…

- drunk
- hiding out

- in deep do-do

- bitching about whiny authors

- in Tijuana
- lost in the infinite corridors of time.

This is to let you know that you have emailed several times and that you’re annoying as all hell but we figured better to answer and try and fob you off so you will shut the hell up. We are trying to summon the interest level to care and answer your email. We plan to have responses to everyone whenever or the 12th of never whichever is sooner.

Sincerely,
Heaving Bosoms Publishing

In accordance with our star signs, religious beliefs, medical conditions, the waxing moon and on the off chance we all get captured and experimented on by aliens, this message cannot be sent to anyone living, dead, kinda dead, stoned, drunk, in a ménage, living with a vampire or a werewolf or under the influence of chocolate and or the sniffing of laundry powder. So be a good, scared little author and do not distribute, copy, post, share, do a sock puppet play or do an interpretive dance to the contents of this email otherwise we will not be happy campers and will stamp out feet. A lot. No really. We will. I’m not kidding, Amarinda.