Friday, 29 February 2008

Pain in the bum….

Are you aware that writers live life constantly on the edge? They are under great threat of debilitating medical conditions....

Numb bum syndrome – this happens when you have spent extended hours sitting in the one place pounding out a story on the keyboard. You feel nothing in your rear end.

Danger – Fat settles in one place and instead of having a rounded backside, you have a flat backside.

Cure – Chocolate and or alcohol to rearrange the fat globules – though if drinking a dry wine then may I suggest switch to chips.

Bum = fleshy bit you sit on

Dead foot Syndrome – you feel a tingling in your foot that becomes a numbness. What does that mean? No, you are not going to win the lotto or it’s going to snow. It means you have been stationary for too bloody long and you have to stand up and do the Mexican hat dance to get your foot working again.

Danger – stand up too quickly and you fall down

Cure – don’t stand up too quickly and you won’t fall down. Medicinal chocolate can be applied as there is calcium in it and it helps your bones and dancing burns up calories.

Limp wrist syndrome – this occurs due to incessant pounding away at the keyboard trying to finish writing that last 1000 words, of your best story ever, before you go to bed.

Danger – People may think your wrist hanging limply by your side means you are weak and they may pick a fight with you.

Cure – Carry a notebook so you can immediately write down all the action of the fight to use in another book.

Cheese lipstick syndrome – this is an eating disorder when you have trouble finding your mouth when eating things like Cheetos because you are concentrating on the keyboard and screen and not on making sure said Cheeto goes straight into your mouth without hitting your lips or chin first.

Danger – going out into public in search of more Cheetos or Twisties (Aussie) and people making fun of your orange lips. Please note especially bad, it you are still wearing your pj’s.

Cure – switch to chips or popcorn as they leave no visible trace of snack food debauchery. I would not recommend chocolate in this instance as it has the potential to smear and no milk drinking unless you want a moustache.

Zombie eyes syndrome – is the glazed look writers get when they have spent hours in front to the computer. It is a frightening and vacant stare that can make grown men shiver.

Danger – people may try to pour salt in your mouth and sew up your lips to rid themselves of a zombie

Cure – wear sunglasses around normal people. You are only safe amongst other writers.

Greta Garbo syndrome – wanting to be alone to write and ignoring the phone, the doorbell, your friends, your family, whatever it was you were cooking the stove and is now on fire all because of too much writing.

Danger – becoming an anti-social git or enjoying the tag ‘shut-in’ so much you have t-shirts made advertising the fact so you don’t have to explain yourself.

Cure – try and pretend you care as much as you care about getting X together with Y without A trying to kill them from your book. If that fails, learn to nod and smile vaguely saying ‘a-ha' a lot while you type while.

Anny and Kelly – what are they up to you ask? My understanding is that Anny planned to climb on her apartment roof and howl at the moon while Kelly was thinking of climbing on her roof and mooning the Howells next door. I could be wrong of course but check out and

May I suggest you go to to see what your choice of dessert says about you? Then to as it’s the last days of Molly’s contest as well as Anny’s on – and Ms Rebel has a contest as well on - how can you lose? And just when you think the excitement ends there go and check out the blog rookie Mona on - seek, read, win and buy. It’s all out there you just have to look.
Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?


Mona Risk said...

I think I have the Zombie eye syndrome today. And I'll make sure to eat chocolate when my foot hurts. My friends would love this cure.

Dakota Rebel said...

Man, I love the interent. Just when I start to believe that my ailments are strange, or that I am the only one, you lay it all out there. Hooray for writers! I wonder what comes up on Web MD if you type in Cheese Lipstick Syndrome. I may have to check that one out.


Molly Daniels said...

Cure for all: Relaxing day at the spa (facial, massage, steam bath, pedicure, manicure, etc...), complete with delicious meal (including chocolate and alcohol)afterwards to celebrate getting said book out of one's head!

Hubby concurrs I have zombie look after spending 3 or more hours at the computer...and Greta Garbo at times, LOL!

Kelly Kirch said...

The Howells were not appreciative... something about the way my bum jiggled during the mexican hat dance routine while I mooned. Will have to face the other direction next time mooning is to occur.

Anny Cook said...

Ah, yes, I howled and all I got in return were some thrown shoes...;( I will print out this column to take to my doctor next time so that she knows exactly how to treat me!


Brynn Paulin said...

How about flat finger? The ailment from too much typing. :-)

Bronwyn's Blog said...

I knew there was a responable explanation for all of my ailments. Thanks for clearing that up!

Anonymous said...

LOL! Oh I so know all about the numb bum and the zombie eyes syndrome :D

Anonymous said...

If you tire of writing, diagnostic physician is your absolute calling. Great blog. This explains some of the quirks of my writer friend Anny.


Ashley Ladd said...

So now I know why I'm so weird...

barbara huffert said...

Must remember to tell my friends that I've not become a recluse. I'm merely channeling Greta Garbo. What do I do for the ridge just above my knees from balancing my laptop against them for too many hours?

Sandra Cox said...

Oh man, that was tooo perfect. You need to get your degree in medicine and specialize, as they all do these days, in writer medicine or would that be as a writer doctor? I'm confusing myself. What should I do Dr. Amarinda? On second thought maybe it would be better if you didn't tell me.

Jacquéline_Roth said...

my dog now officially thinks I'm crazy. This made me laugh out loud.

Well done.