Sunday, 10 February 2008

Romance writers – what’s the story?

Writers are strange. You knew that? Of course you did. Anyone that sits and transcribes the voices in their head while surrounded by empty chip packets, lets all the phone calls go to the answering machine and looks pissed off when you want to talk to them when they are listening to those voices is a writer. Of course I can only talk about romance writers. They are an interesting breed. I have been doing this writing gig for a year or so –and I believe I have formed a pretty good idea of the species known as the Romance writer…

Miss Me-Me – this is the writer who believes her books are the only ones worth reading and if everyone does not agree with her then she does not want to deal with them. She inflicts her staunch opinions about writing on everyone whether they want to know or not. She turns up at chats and does not share the limelight but tries to steals it because she refuses to see anyone else. You and I know its basic insecurity but they do themselves no favours.

Miss Vote for Me – they usually start off their infrequent emails with “I have just nominated myself to win best something-or-other-of-the-year award. Please go immediately to XYZ website and vote for me.” My understanding is other people should nominate you - but I could have that wrong. Also ballot box stuffing seems rather pointless to me.

Miss Insincerity – this one is tricky. They are ever so sweet to your face or via email but they have an agenda, like everyone else, except they coat it in syrup and try and camouflage it with ‘golly gee, aren’t I such a sweetheart’ words as they try to get their own way because no one would suspect a ‘nice’ person doing something bad. They are fascinating people because you can play them at their own game.

Miss Scatterbrain – this is the writer who wants everyone to do everything for her as she is ‘too silly’ to do it herself. It’s an excellent strategy as most people are inclined to help others. It’s a good ploy but it wears thin. Time for a new strategy I think.

Miss Deep Undercover – no one must know her real identity because it would literally ruin her life. I find it sad that people cannot be themselves and they have to worry about what others think. Everyone knows I write erotic or romantica and no one bats an eye. Shame other people do not have the same freedom just to be.

Miss Prude – She believes real romance does not involve sex. Everyone is a virgin and no body parts are exposed or named. Penis or vagina shall not be mention let alone acted upon. If she does name the dreaded parts they are called things like his manhood or love muscle and she has a honeypot. Anyone that calls them anything else is perceived as just writing ‘trash.

Miss Deviant – will write anything to get a book sold. The more out there and on the edge it is she will write it, churning them out once a week sometimes. In some ways I admire these people as they have absolutely no scruples in their aim to get ahead. However, as we all know, you can only sell your soul so far.

Where do I fall into those categories? I’m a pain the arse. I do what I want and I am not the sort to agree that the emperor looks lovely in his new clothes when he is actually butt ugly naked. What is my point here? Well, it’s that writers are real people. They are flawed. They are no better or worse than anyone else, they just choose to put their thoughts into print. I believe the old adage that everyone has a story in them. If you are thinking of writing a book – do it. Those who write now are no more special than someone who wants to write. You may just get published. I did and I’m no great shakes as a writer but I write what I know and I write as I speak. Be yourself. Have a go, and, if you get a rejection – so what – it just means some other publisher is meant to have your book. Come and join the world of romance writers…it will put hairs on your palms.

Earlier in the week I mentioned a story with a sword – do you remember? Nah? That’s okay, I almost forgot I was going to mention it as well. Anyway, what it was - I once got a comment back from ‘someone’please note, not my Editor - suggesting that I needed to stop using words like – get ready to avert your eyes if real words upset you – covered? Okay – not to use words like penis, cock and vagina. Okay, said I, the erotic romance writer, “what should I use?” The suggestions that came back for penis were – sword or weapon. Now, I don’t know about you but do you honestly want to read about the hero plunging into the heroine with his weapon or his sword? That’s gotta be less than romantic and I don’t think it’s going to end happily. As for what I could change the dreaded ‘v’ word to, the person had no suggestions other than maybe not mention ‘it’ so much. Okay, so where does he plunge his ‘sword/weapon’ into or do heroines simply have no opening between their legs? Most confusing. And I point blank refuse to use the ‘c’ word as it’s just tacky and derogatory. But that’s just me. So, just to change things around in my books, I may try using –

He plunged his pointy, hard thing into her pit of no return.”
She looked longingly at his pointy, hard thing and wished the bloody romance writer had given her somewhere to put it.”
What do you think? Any suggestions? H?


What could you spend an eternity doing? What is your passion? Your hunger? Your deepest desire? Each day beginning February 5 and running through February 14 one of the ten authors will complete the line, "My darling I could spend eternity…" on either their blog or website. Collect all ten answers and e-mail them to with Eternally Yours in the subject line to win some hot, romantic books. There will be three lucky Valentine winners.

The prizes –

1st prize--5 books

2nd prize--3 books

3rd prize--2 books

The books

Sandra Cox Silverhills
Mona Risk To Love a Hero
Brynn Paulin Tribute For the Goddess
Bronwyn Green Mystic Circle
Cindy Spencer Pape Stone and Earth
N.J. Walters Seduction of Shamus O’Rourke
Elyssa Edwards Mating Stone
Amarinda Jones Shades of Gray
Kelly Kirch Time for Love
Anny Cook Honeysuckle

Entries must be in by February 16 at midnight EST. All books and prize winners will be drawn randomly.

So, I am competing the line…get your pens ready….

"My darling I could spend an eternity with you doing the cooking, laundry and cleaning.”

I think it’s a beautiful sentiment for Valentine’s Day. May you be given the gift of a half naked male slave to cook, wash and clean for you. It’s my wish for all women…and men if so inclined.

Anny is probably being less scandalous on but I doubt it. As for Kelly, she is always one to make life interesting one
Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?


Dakota Rebel said...

“He plunged his pointy, hard thing into her pit of no return.”


Holy crap, you are awesome. Have I told you that lately?

I do use the "C" word, but I try to do it sparingly because I know many don't like it.

But for me it gets too repetitive to use the same word every time, and as you so brilliantly pointed out, euphamism isn't sexy. Peg B can only go into Slot A so many ways, and there are only so many words that sound sexy as opposed to funny or out of place.


At least a romance writer's dilemmas are fun right?


Kelly Kirch said...

“She looked longingly at his pointy, hard thing and wished the bloody romance writer had given her somewhere to put it.”

My favorite line to date. Thanks for the laugh.

Anny Cook said...

Oh dear. I think I accumulated points in every single category. What do I win?

Mona Risk said...

You express my dilemna so well. What to call this and that if we can't use the real words and the others sound too stupid. A few times I avoided using any name: he plunged into her depth. Gosh it sounds so silly.Miss Scaterbrain.

barbara huffert said...

Hahaha! You forgot to include that we're all so paranoid we're now sitting around trying to figure out if you meant us specifically. Thank goodness none of the categories fits me perfectly. Although, if I combine a few and rearrange it a little...

Love the graphics. David & Goliath are the ones that make the Boys Are Stupid...Throw Rocks at Them shirts.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm .. posted last night but for some reason it didn't work. It was late so I probably stuffed it.

Anyway, yeah I have to admit that the 'c' word does make me cringe. How about something like his 'throbbing arousal' or perhaps you can just say something like 'bumping uglies' LOL!

Sandra Cox said...

I love your eternity line:)

Solange Ayre said...

How about:
Miss "I'm a REAL Romance-Writer" - she's NY print published, so she's on a whole different level than the e-published. Frequently heard to say, "E-publishing? That's all porn, isn't it?"

Amarinda Jones said...

Thank you Solange - what an excellent comment. I did not think about the divas who forget where they came from. May we never do that.