Wednesday, 23 April 2008

Challenge me not...

Well…bugger. Author and mate Sandra Cox challenged me to write something on the words below and I never back down from a challenge. I suspect she knows that. Okay the words I have to talk about are…


Hmmm…normally Sandra likes me...

Fisticuffs – I am a person that does everything quickly. I talk fast, walk fast and act fast. I am busy, busy, busy and consequently I am still sitting around in my underwear 10 mins before I have to be at work. I then rush around like a mad thing throwing on clothes. I have a habit of not unbuttoning anything. I just slip it over my head etc. I also wear large rings on each finger. They get in the way of everything but I like them. Okay, so I shove the shirt over my head and slide my arms into the sleeves and my hands – my fists, if you will, you caught in the cuffs because the rings snag everything, Now, when you have 5 mins to get to work and it’s 15 mins away and your hands are trapped in your cuffs you ask yourself the following things – when are you going to grow up and dress sensibly? How frigging long does it take you to unbutton something? And why am I wearing the black shirt today when Monday is traditionally assassin black day? So I then have to try and unbutton the cuffs with hands that are trapped inside said sleeves. Houdini has nothing on me.

Oxymoron – Do you seriously wonder about those people who buy oxygen in a bottle or a jar – or worse they go to those oxygen bars or the beauty therapist who charges them an arm and a leg for something that is all around us? Hello? Oxygen is air. We don’t pay for it….yet. I mean, honestly what morons. They get sucked into a fad and believe the stick thin model, who is silicon and botox, flogging the bottle of air. They also believe that they too can look like that if they pay a gazillion dollars for air to breathe or have it blown on their body. Well, someone is certainly blowing something and I believe its smoke. What worries me is that so many people are either so superficial that they believe something so ridiculous is going to make them beautiful or that their self esteem is so low that will believe any load of shinola to be all they can be. Yes, I believe that air is good for you. I totally recommend oxygen for without it you are dead and with the whole dead thing looking young is not an issue. But buying it? You, to me, are an oxymoron.

Dirge – this was actually my day at work today. I get told constantly by the world’s most boring person – okay she’s in a tie for that title – the rules over and over again. Now there are so many that I believe a normal person would not be able to remember them without maybe having them tattooed on their arm or maybe carrying palm cards. But then, she isn’t normal. So, in a dull, monotonous tone she chants the rules over and over again like some monastic dirge that I reckon even monks would freak out at. Most people ears would be bleeding after the 17th recitation. Luckily I have the ability to block out any dirges I don’t want to hear like – don’t run with scissors, make sure you circle the wagons if under attack or don’t sleep in a subway. Of course, that is a problem. I block out boring stuff like work rules and then when I stuff something up I think – oh crap, I’m sure there is a rule about this. What was it? Can I somehow manipulate this stuff up to look less of a stuff up if I can somehow blame it back on the rules? Like don’t use your personal printer on you desk to print stuff off the internet. If caught I’m going to say ‘The temptation was too great not to print and every time you reminded me I shouldn’t print I fixated on that rule and subconsciously and unwillingly I printed 57 sheets of personal crap.’ See? You can dirge me but at your own peril.

Gladsome – I emailed Ethel and told her of this challenge. She said ‘gladsome’ what’s that? Is it a new range of Glad bags? Yes, I believe so Ethel. Someone wants me to talk about plastic bags (Glad – product name.) There is also Glad wrap – it’s like cling wrap…cling film. Very handy stuff but it pisses me off no end when you cannot find the start of the cling wrap and you have to spin the plastic roll around and around, scraping your finger nail over it to find the beginning but you can’t because you never can when you are busy can you? Or the newspaper man rolls the Sunday newspaper in cling film and I can never get the paper out without cutting into a hunk of it. I asked him why he persists in tormenting me like this. His response – I must have some fun in life…so gladsome is when people like to torment you will cling film…or not…it’s all relative.

Risibility…I could have looked this word up but I believe the Amarinda definition is when you drink Riesling or really any white wine and you become very deep and philosophical about life. Ever noticed how meaningful one can be when then have had a glass or 7 of plonk? Not me of course – I am way too pure-ish. The risibility of the Riesling just rises to the top and all sorts of profound things are said like – Where are my shoes? Mr waiter-man, I believe I love you and will be yours forever if you bring forth more wine. Wine, women and song – I am drinking wine, I am a woman, now hear me sing – no I don’t need shoes to sing in. Let ‘em eat cake – pass me the chips. I remember being in a bar in Pocatello and singing Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I will survive’- a classic risibility song - with a bunch of Aussies – we sang it at least 12 times…very badly but had a bloody good time. I was under the influence of risibility and therefore cannot be blamed for my actions.

Now… author Ashley Ladd tagged me again for a meme. I loathe memes…there are a bunch of rules you have to follow but basically you give 6 random facts about yourself. You also have to tag 6 other people to annoy the crap out of. Fine…whatever…I‘ll do it now so it’s out there and over and done with.

1. I consider myself fantastic
2. I know some excellent writers and they happen to write e-books…but then the best people do
3. I cannot sing worth a damn but I sing at the top of my lungs when I do
4. I believe the impossible is possible – you just have to be pushy
5. I consider being able to do the Vulcan hand salute a real talent
6. I believe Australia, particularly Queensland, is the best damn place in the world.

Okay…I’m tagging

- Hilary Clinton
- Dalai Lama
- George Clooney
- Ronald McDonald
- Hugh Jackman
- The model from the cover of Last Man Standing

Can hardly wait to see what they come up with…not like they won’t do it…I’ve tagged them...they must...there is some half arsed rule about it.

Anny and Kelly are doing Anny and Kelly things…go read, seek, find, be.
Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?


Anny Cook said...

Excellent blog! I too can hardly wait to see what your tags come up with. Wonderful choices.

Interesting new facts about you. I must ponder on them awhile and decide what new information they reveal.

Sandra Cox said...

Ahh, good job!!!!

barbara huffert said...

Hahaha, that's just too good. Wish you'd had it up this morning before I went to work. I would have been chuckling all morning.

JacquƩline Roth said...

Lovely blog today. I love your definitions of these. I think I may do this as an activity with my students. Here take these words and don't look them up, but come up with a definition.

Could be fun.