The big boss from interstate called and said he wanted to organize a work function so we could all get together and play happy families. Okay, he did not say ‘happy families’ he said something about ‘bonding’ or some other touchy feely new age term. I instantly thought ‘oh puke, I hate work functions’ and I gave my standard I cannot go out in public after 6pm at night as I morph into a Mothra type creature ( Japanese b-grade movie monster) and terrorize cities. This of course only applies to functions I do not want to go to. I say that or something tactful like “No bloody way.”
I loathe work functions as people stand around and talk about – work – boring. The only time they are remotely interesting is when someone gets drunk and they decide they will tell the boss what they think of them or they are caught snogging the boss in the first aid room. Or there that one time, at a job a couple of years ago, when I caught the boss being awfully naked (ick) and familiar with the office tramp in a car in the car park outside. I did a little finger wave when he saw me and we both knew that that I had dirt on him for the next 6 months that I could use at any time of my choosing.
Anyway back to the current boss - he pointed out we could have the function after work or in work hours. Please, do not insult me – of course I am going to say in work hours. Did he have no understanding of me at all? I suggested we could finish early - say 12 o’clock - then have lunch and then all piss off for the rest of the day. He was a tad taken aback as he generally is with me but then he said okay. Shock and awe them is my tactic. He then asked where do we want to have said work function. I said as you are paying somewhere expensive. After a moment’s silence he said he knew I was joking. I wasn’t, I was deadly serious. Besides it's a tax deduction for them so I am really only being helpful and saving them money at the end of the financial year by giving them something to claim. He then left me the mission to discuss with my fellow plebs where we would go for this function. The general consensus was anywhere where alcohol was served and yes, the more expensive the better. So we downed tools for the rest of the arvo to plan where we wanted to go. No one can be expected to work when important things like lunch and an early finish to the work day are on the cards as there are menus to request and pour over in deciding if the beer being served at the Irish pub was just as good at the restaurant. To be honest I let others do the menu things as I had books to write - but the thing was we were all wasting time together as a team and I think that’s important.
We still haven’t decided where to go but we have another week to plan and waste. The one thing remains the same. There must be alcohol. Of course my office assistant wants some obscure Himalayan meal that consists of ingredients that are grown by an eighty year old monk on the side of a mountain and picked by virgins who then wash them in spring water. Uh huh…
I loathe work functions as people stand around and talk about – work – boring. The only time they are remotely interesting is when someone gets drunk and they decide they will tell the boss what they think of them or they are caught snogging the boss in the first aid room. Or there that one time, at a job a couple of years ago, when I caught the boss being awfully naked (ick) and familiar with the office tramp in a car in the car park outside. I did a little finger wave when he saw me and we both knew that that I had dirt on him for the next 6 months that I could use at any time of my choosing.
Anyway back to the current boss - he pointed out we could have the function after work or in work hours. Please, do not insult me – of course I am going to say in work hours. Did he have no understanding of me at all? I suggested we could finish early - say 12 o’clock - then have lunch and then all piss off for the rest of the day. He was a tad taken aback as he generally is with me but then he said okay. Shock and awe them is my tactic. He then asked where do we want to have said work function. I said as you are paying somewhere expensive. After a moment’s silence he said he knew I was joking. I wasn’t, I was deadly serious. Besides it's a tax deduction for them so I am really only being helpful and saving them money at the end of the financial year by giving them something to claim. He then left me the mission to discuss with my fellow plebs where we would go for this function. The general consensus was anywhere where alcohol was served and yes, the more expensive the better. So we downed tools for the rest of the arvo to plan where we wanted to go. No one can be expected to work when important things like lunch and an early finish to the work day are on the cards as there are menus to request and pour over in deciding if the beer being served at the Irish pub was just as good at the restaurant. To be honest I let others do the menu things as I had books to write - but the thing was we were all wasting time together as a team and I think that’s important.
We still haven’t decided where to go but we have another week to plan and waste. The one thing remains the same. There must be alcohol. Of course my office assistant wants some obscure Himalayan meal that consists of ingredients that are grown by an eighty year old monk on the side of a mountain and picked by virgins who then wash them in spring water. Uh huh…
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4 comments:
Ah, the good old days when we used to start planning lunch at 10 AM. We had a special file of take out menus. Yep. It usually took at least two hours to plan lunch.
Wasting time as a team unit is highly underappreciated as an artform. You are accomplishing precisely what your boss wanted, after all--team building exercises and bonding rituals over engraved parchments and sacred nectars. It's a spiritual thing. He has no reason to complain. Just don't let your stress case assistant assist you.
What I don't get is, what do managers actually expect their employees to say when they suggest something like this? Of course, during work hours. Of course, they're going to pay! Amarinda, you just say what we're all thinking!
Anny the only thing I plan is how fast I can get out the door at the end of the day and will anyone get hurt in the rush and will injuries to other slow me down
The two handed consumption of alcohol helps when dealing with Skippy my assistant
And saying it as it is gets me in trouble a lot Heather but I enjoy a bit of trouble
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