Tight knicker elastic...

The office bitch – no not me, I am more the worker who comes in to get paid, to acquire office stationery and to make use of the printer and the internet before going home – anyway she had another go at me today. She told the manager I did something that I did not do and that I lied to cover my arse in order to make her look bad. First of all she needs none of my help to make her look bad and secondly I admit, on occasions, to lying to cover my cellulite arse but not in this case.

Anyway the manager came at me mouth frothing and teeth gnashing – actually that’s his usual look – and he asked me to explain myself. As there are not enough hours in the day for that, I like to think I am complex and dramatic, I produced email evidence from the office bitch (that I kept for occasions like this) that got her in trouble from here to next week. Did I feel bad? Maybe I would have on any day that didn’t end in a ‘y’. Anyway the office bitch burst into tears – which is always a good thing to do around a senior male manager as they do not have a clue how to handle a crying woman – and stormed out dramatically. I tried to look like the angelic, conscientious worker I am not while pretending that I cared over the state of her mental health. Basically she is nuts and I want them to know it. Yep, I am a half arsed worker. But mess with me and watch out. The Scorpio within arises. So what is it with Women in offices? Is it the need to be the alpha female or is it a case of too tight knicker elastic?

I used to work with these ghastly women I called the ‘kidney donors’. I called them this because they were would do anything to make themselves look good in the eyes of management – from kissing arse to probably donating body parts if they were asked to. If there was an Olympics for suck ups they would all go for gold and get it. You know the sort. Anyway amongst their talents they were very good at tattling about people to management. I was called into a meeting with a manager because of these anal women. He said “certain issues had been brought up about your behavior.” This concerned me as I like to think I am too smart to get caught doing the wrong things I do. But no, none of those various crimes came up. My chief crime was that one of the kidney donors had watched as I crossed my name off the kitchen cleaning roster. This was a dreadful thing to do apparently as everyone ‘must’ clean the kitchen and to not to do so meant you were bucking the system. I have been bucking the system since I was 4 years old so why change now?

I explained to the generic manager that I did not use the kitchen and therefore I did not intend to clean up after grown ups. This was – seriously – entered in on my personnel file as a behavioral issue - probably under Jones, Amarinda - incorrigible – won’t clean kitchen. My next dastardly crime was declared as going to a break 2 minutes before I was supposed to. I live on the edge don’t I? This was followed up by the belief that I am not a team player - which is true because I’m not and I won’t pretend I am. I know there’s no ‘I’ in team but that’s the English language for you. I did not invent it. I would have put an ‘I’ in 'team'. So, because I did not put money in for a birthday gift for one of the kidney donors my file was again marked as not a team player. I explained to the manager that the birthday girl, in my opinion, sucked so why would I spend money on her when I did not care if she spontaneously combusted in front of me. He had no answer to this but he did advise me that I had to change my ways. I explained I wouldn’t be as I like myself the way I was and as I was getting the job done what was the problem? He sat there gob smacked or maybe that’s his natural look I’m still not quite sure, and he did not know what to say.

Like all anal tattle-tales the kidney donors were waiting to see me come out of the meeting in tears. As-frigging-if! I just walked over to them and said “Is that the best you can do?” That also got reported but what the hell, live like you mean it is my belief. I ask you haven’t we all got more important things to do in life than deal with crap like this? So tell me what is it with women in offices? Is it all those powerful contained hormones? Is it not enough sex? Is it too much sex or is it as I suspect a lot of tight knicker elastic making women in offices cranky? Maybe underwear should be outlawed in offices. Something to think about…

Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?
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