Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Beware the sniper...

A Federal election has been called in Australia so there is much baby kissing and promises happening. There are also politicians running around their electorates suddenly trying to be everyone’s best friend.

When I arrived home from work this evening a politician sniper appeared out of nowhere. I liken politician snipers to perfume snipers. You know those highly made up women in department stores who appear suddenly and insist on trying to spray you with Eau de Brothel? Well politician snipers are the same. They appear all of a sudden, loaded with pamphlets and a cheesy smile. They shake your hand and try to look like they care. Sort of similar to what I do at work all day. I surround myself with papers to look like I am busy, smile vaguely and try to pretend I am deeply interested in my job. Except I don’t I promise the Earth knowing I cannot deliver it.

So the sniper approached. Was I scared? Nah, just pissed off. I am not someone you want to approach after work as I like peace and quiet. Anyway, after the obligatory gushing crap, he asked me had I heard that the current government had announced that they would reduce personal income tax?

Yeah funny about that,” I said. “Fancy announcing that just after an election had been called. What are the odds?”

He looked uneasy. The fake smile became more plastic. “They wanted to wait for the ‘right time’” he said.

Wow, how lucky is it that now is the right time?” I responded.

He then went on about all the great benefits that people with children and the aged would get.

What about single non-aged people? What are we getting?”

Er…well…you see…mumble…”

Translation? Nothing. Just shut up and vote for me.

You know I don’t want promises as they are never kept by fake people. I want to know our troops, scattered all over the world, are safe and well looked after in their peacekeeping and peacemaking roles. I want to know that we are actually going to have some plan when it comes to stuffing up the environment as little as possible and I would like to believe that by reducing personal income tax the government was not going to increase interest rates. I asked this of the politician sniper. His answer was something along the lines of…

The government is committed one hundred percent to maintaining the tactical yet crucial reaction to the global situation.” Uh huh…

He went on further. “We carefully scrutinize natural resources to justify the need for economic benefit to insure an active response to the harmony of the environment whilst maintaining the delicate geo-political stance of the Asia-Pacific region.” Uh huh...

And rest assured the fiscal response of the government coincides directly in line with the economic situation of world markets and the current trend interpretations.” Uh huh...

So in essence, his answers were – not sure, go away and did she believe the line of crap I just spun? He asked “Would you consider voting for my party as we care for single people.” Translation – single people pay more tax and we are screwed without you in the workforce.

I said, “I would have to consider the delicate economic balance of my fiscal situation versus the direct correlation between the profit margin of global forces and the need to maintain a steady flow of environmental information so not as to overload the interest of the market.”

He just looked at me and said “Well that's great - I look forward to seeing you on Election Day.”

Whatever…I can talk crap with the best of them.

Now on to something that is completely logical...the blog serial....

On,Kelly left us with

"It's too late for you already, Zoltan. I was unable to retrieve the crown through Leo, but I still have yoooooooooou!!!" The hollow growl emitting from what was once PJ's belly carried the voices of a multitude.

Emmeline bellowed above the roar of the belly-vortex, "Jump in, between the teeth! It's the doorway to a new realm!"

Zoltan grabbed Emmeline's hand and leapt. Darkness surrounded them in a wail of rushing air.

"Wait for me!" Sam yelled from behind.

Yes, teeth in a, she's not a turn…

“Where the bloody hell are we?” The dense jungle surrounded them on all sides. “It’s not what I expected to find in a stomach.”

“Geeze did you see what happened to Sam?” Zoltan turned back to look at the torn body. “He got cut in half by the teeth.”

“Well it was the quick or the dead.” Emmeline started to move on, her peeler clutched in her hand. “Besides he’s now twice the man he once was,” she quipped as she pushed a branch from her face.

“You can be very callous, Emmeline,” Zoltan pointed out as walked beside her.

“And you Zoltan honey, you can be very namby pamby.” She patted his cheek mockingly. “My plan is for me to survive whatever this is.”

“You mean us.”

“Yeah, sure – us.” She had to go and marry a sensitive new age man who believed in togetherness. Emmeline stiffened suddenly. Her mouth dropped open as short, round naked people started to run excitedly towards them. “Holy crap put some clothes on.” The men had trunk like appendages sheathed in silver that protruded from their groins “That’s just nasty.”

One of the sheathed men approached them. “Your majesty, the prophets said you would return. We are overwhelmed and wish to share our riches with you.”

Emmeline smiled. “Well, here I am.” This was more like it.

“I think they’re looking at me, Em.” Zoltan smiled at the little man.

“I am way more majestic then you, magic man.” She pushed Zoltan aside.

The crowd of naked villages gasped in horror. “Do you want her dead, your Majesty?”

“Hmmm...” Zoltan murmured thoughtfully as he looked at his estranged wife.

To see what Anny does on Wednesday go to Will any past cast members make a return? Will anyone die, or shrink, or change colour or lose their virginity only to get it back again? And may I recommend the fine assortment of blogs to my left? You won’t be disappointed.
Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?


Dakota Rebel said...

That is fantastic! I think that we should all walk around with paint ball guns at all times. And when we are caught off guard by any kind of sniper, (perfume lady, political ass hat, happily married couples, moms, etc...) we can just pull out our guns and snipe them with big hot pink paint balls. This way, they will be easier to spot for everyone else looking to avoid them because they will be covered in hot pink splotches.

anny cook said...

Silver sheathed appendages...that spring from their groins. Uh-huh. And I'm supposed to go where...?

I believe I'll hire you to write my speeches when I run for president. We'll be unbeatable.

barbara huffert said...

I'd vote for you, Anny.

AJ, it's almost election time here too. Any way I can convince you to come stay with me so you can answer the door and phone? Ben & Jerry's and champange brunches included!

Molly Daniels said...

I love the fact you threw his political ambu-speak BS back in his face! More people ought to do that...I hate it when you ask for a straight answer and they give you the party line!

Kelly Kirch said...

Oh AJ you never fail to make me laugh. When I meet you, I fully expect to watch you talk to people, in awe.

This is what my husband calls, "If you can dazzle 'em with the facts, baffle 'em with the bull."

Amarinda Jones said...

that's the familly motto, grasshopper

Dakota - I love your suggestion

Anny - consider me on your campaign

Barbara - I'll be there for the ice-cream and plonk

Molly - I love double speak

Sandra Cox said...

LOL. That politician never stood a chance. They seem to be the same whatever country they're in don't they.