Tuesday, 13 November 2007

The Tuesday waffle on...

This is my second day off sick – cough, sniffle - okay enough acting. I’m not sick. My day today –

- got woken up at 5:00am by a phone call. Someone just wanted to say ‘hi’ as they knew I wouldn’t be at work today. Gee, couldn’t you have waited another hour so I could have my standard 4 hours sleep? I can barely speak before 7:00 am, let alone say ‘hi’ – especially after writing until 2am. I grunted back responses and they seemed happy.
- Walked into a huge spider web on the way to the compost bin. Got the spider entangled in my hair. I was shrieking and shaking my hair out frantically while all the time dressed in a faded purple night shirt that has a giant frog and the words ‘kiss me’ on it. Fairly certain I heard giggling from next door.
- Got email from Ethel advising she had decided not to go to work as she was ‘sick’ too. She’s such a copy cat.
- Went and did some retail therapy at the local bigger than Ben Hur shopping centre. I ran into two acquaintances who were shocked that I was writing ‘soft porn’ as they called my books (so shocked that they have bought all my books so far) and what did my family think of that? I said if Mum was alive she would be selling them and my father’s only concern is to make sure I can claim stuff on tax. Most family members unshockable.
- Yelled at the mad drummer to shut up after two more hours of bang, bang, bang. Drummer stopped. Thank god or whomever. Unless a herd of wild elephants are about to charge down my street I don’t need to hear jungle drums.
- Mail came. Cringed at size of credit card bill – though happy with the amount of ‘reward’ points I got. I can probably get half a new toaster.
- Received a bucket load of text messages on my mobile. I think one day we are all going to simply stop talking and texting will become the universal language.
- Tried fake, gradual tanning solution on my legs as they are blindingly pale and people need sunnies to look at them. It takes 3 days to work. Is it a load of hype to make the fair skinned buy it or does it work? I will let you know.
- Now sitting with bottle of fizzy plonk and contemplating going back to work tomorrow. The men have been alone for two days. Scary. God knows what happened. They probably spent two whole days running with scissors. I also expect the wall of wankerdom to be up. Oh dear, someone will get their bottom kicked.

True lies….
I asked a group of writers to tell me about a lie that they told that everyone believed. I only got three responses. Apparently writers are honest people…

Hmmm. I told my father I was a virgin when I got married. Back then that was a BIG deal... Of course, he still thinks I am... what was that about four kids, you say?

That would have to be when I ran for local political office (Township Clerk) as a Republican—and won.
Now, I’m not trashing Republicans, not exclusively at any rate. I actually have no fondness for the big players in either political party. For the most part I consider professional politicians as slightly below banana slugs on the evolutionary ladder. But I was a young mother. My husband was in graduate school, and this was a job I knew I could handle and it came with paid health insurance. The only other person running was a Republican, so if I ran on that ticket, then the race would be determined at the primary, in August. If I ran as an independent or Democrat, I’d have to campaign (which is expensive!) until November. So I ran on the Republican ballot, won, worked my tail off for four years, and left the office in better shape than I found it, so no guilt. But identifying myself with the organized party? Yeah, that was a whopper.

It was a very small lie for which my mother gave me and my brother a licking. Not so much for lying but for taking our sleighs out after school on a cold wintry day and walking to a hilly place about a half mile out of town. It was dark when we decided to come home and Mom was frantic. She said she'd been up and down the street calling our names .We were not supposed to go sleigh riding after school. It got dark quickly. I lied. "We didn't hear you." but that didn't pass muster so we confessed our sins, we both got a licking and were supposed to go to bed without supper. But ... when Mom was back at her typewriter penning her Maxie books our grandmother made us warm, yummy bread and milk. I still remember how lovely that tasted. Harry and I were good and cold from sleigh riding even though we were warmly dressed. I told another little lie about a year later and gave up lying after that because it made me feel sick.

On the serial, Kelly- on thought she had me cornered with…

Zoltan fainted, but Emmeline was hard pressed to tell if it was from fear of the goliath or from the creatures bad fashion sense. For one half of the twin wore sheer harem pants and the other, miniscule hot pants unable to contain its manly parts which seemed determined to leap out and bite her.

Manly parts and miniscule hot pants…I know where Kelly got that from but my lips are sealed, unless Tim Tams are involved. My turn…

Yaaawaaaaa!” The monster charged blindly forward, arms thrashing menacingly.

Emmeline looked at the creature in amazement. “Cyril?”

The monster stopped in his tracks. “Emmeline?” He pushed the wild mane of hair from his eyes. “What are you doing here?”

“Just zapped in – going to zap out as soon.” She smiled at the creature. Oh, the mischief they had been in together on Beta Nine. “Still got the teddy bear tattoo?”

“Yeah, wanna’ look?” He started to pull down his harem pants.

Emmeline threw her hands up to cover her eyes. “No, one look at your hairy arse is enough.”

Cyril kicked Zoltan’s boot. “Who’s he?”

“My husband.” Big sissy fainting like that.

“Oh yeah, I got the invite. I’m sorry I missed the wedding.”

“I got the toaster – thanks.”

“I never know what to buy.” Cyril replied sheepishly.

Emmeline pulled off her emerald ring. There was just enough power in it to get her out of there. “So I guess I had better be going.”

“What about him?”

“Do me a favour, terrorize him a bit and hold him here.” The further she could get away from Zoltan the better.

“Sure Em.” Cyril nodded happily.

“And Cyril?’


“Do something about your pants will you?” Emmeline kissed the ring and wished for the most peaceful place on earth. She departed in a whirl of colours, her mind focused on the future. A minute later she landed with a thump. “Crap that hurt.” Stood up and rubbed her arse. “Where am I and why is everything blue?”

Where indeed? However I am sure the Queen Anny of the blue people will be able to give, Emmeline direction. Check out tomorrow.
Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?


Kelly Kirch said...

I don't know what you mean. Those hot pants are completely original. Ahem.

Living next to you would be hysterical. If I were them, I should want binoculars whenever you head out of doors. The most amuseing things happen.

Anny Cook said...

Spiderwebs...shudder. I'm with you. I would have been leaping around screaming.

If someone calls me at 5 AM, they better be bleeding...a LOT!

Good luck with the wall of wankerdom. I await the most recent report with baited breath.

And finally...of course I know what to do with Emmeline.

Molly Daniels said...

Shows what happens when you take 'sick days', hmmmm? Can just picture you shaking that spider out of your hair...I did the same with a bee a couple of years back.

Bronwyn's Blog said...

EWWWWWWWWW - Spider in the hair! Those things wig me right out.

Can't wait to hear about the wall of wankerdom - kick arse, Amarinda!

Sandra Cox said...

You are so funny!