Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Ginger and spice and all things vampire...

Dark Souls – hot, vampire romance – was released in print today at Ellora’s Cave. Let the pigeons loose! Click on the cover to buy.

A Gingerbread man speaks about Christmas…

Amarinda - So you guys must love Christmas.
Ginger – why?
A- You’re so popular. Everyone loves gingerbread.
G – Are you kidding? People want to eat us. Where is the love in that?
A - But isn’t that part of who you are? A treat at Christmas time?
G - No way! But no one wants to see beyond our outer fa├žade. I blame the media for enforcing body stereotypes. We are exploited due to our lusciousness. Everyone wants gingerbread people but no one cares for our feelings.
A - I see but you’re made for a reason so it’s not hard to expect that you will get eaten.
G - Only the slow and the dumb of our kind do.
A - So you’re saying you scheme not to get eaten at Christmas?
G - Exactly
A- What do you do? Hide yourself in the Gingerbread house?
G - Nah, that’s the first place they look, Last year we lost five good gingerbread men who barricaded themselves in a house and humans ripped the roof off and ate them. Bastards.
A – Right….so what’s the plan this year?
G - Gravy diving
A - What?
G - Gingerbread is sweet – gravy isn’t. The plan is we throw ourselves in the gravy, the mayo or whatever condiments are on the table roll around and get covered and then no one will eat us because sweet and savoury don’t go together.
A -What about sweet and sour pork?
G – Shut up.
A- So, a sort of cunning plan you have there.
G - We think so.
A - How many is ‘we’?
G - Let’s just say we’re not far off world domination.
A - What happens if you succeed in gravy diving but someone washes it off you? What if there is no gravy?
G - Huh, I hadn’t thought of that. Maybe we need to re-visit that and go to plan b
A - And that is?
G - We release our "Save the Gingerbread people" Christmas song onto the market and raise public awareness. You humans are suckers for a Christmas song. You will rally to our cause when you see the video clip. We have it with all of us there, arms linked, crying and singing of our plight. It’ll be really soppy and pathetic and you'll lap it up.
A- That's very manipulative
G - Not to mention lucrative. We have already sold the merchandising rights to Santa Claus Inc. The fat man needs it as a charity write-off against his gambling debts and Mrs Claus’ failed massage parlour business.
A - So Christmas is about survival to your people?
G- That and 62% royalties. Old fatso was so desperate we screwed him over on the song.
A - So gravy diving first then the song if that fails you?
G - Yeah, we don't want to look too tacky. Besides we need the footage of the gravy diving attempts to sell the record if not this Christmas then next.
A - Well, this has been very enlightening. Is there anything else you would like to tell the public?
G - Two things - before you eat a gingerbread man remember we're just like you inside - heart, liver, kidney, bowels–
A- You are not.
G - Yeah but it grosses people out to think that.
A - And two?
G- We take cash, credit card or paypal.
Go Ahead:Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?