Monday, 1 December 2008

Half done....

I walk past this house most mornings on my early morning 30 minute ramble in the pursuit of not dying any earlier than I have to. Anyway, the house always makes me wonder. The front is neat and tidy and in trendy stucco but as you get closer the side is 1970’s brick and only half the gutter has been painted. It’s been that way for ages. Someone has put work into building up a great looking front but the rest is just sitting there neglected and forgotten. I always hope the owner will come out and I can ask why the half arsed smoke and mirrors effect?

Last night, I found a picture of someone I knew on the internet. I had not seen him in years. In my teenage years he was the dazzling, smart and handsome one in the family. He could do no wrong. He was ambitious and he excelled and people were impressed by him. Everyone wanted to be like him. He was the golden child. There was no way I could compete with someone so glorious and nor did I want to.

Like a lot of ambitious people he was thoughtless to those around him. He said wounding things that cut so hard and deep that years later, no matter how many tough layers had been built up, the pain of those wounds would still slice into and remind her that she was still the ugly girl he said she was.

So there he was on the internet and it hit me hard. The chosen one looked terrible and that maybe the less dazzling, less smart and less attractive one wasn’t so bad after all – that maybe she had done pretty damn good with her life. Maybe she wasn’t as ugly as she had always believed. Maybe she had been an idiot for believing for so long she had ever been. It had never stopped her from what she wanted and what she got. It just always sat in the back of her mind. It could be why she pushed and still pushes so hard today.

She is me and no, I don’t wish him ill. In one way his words spurred me on to prove him wrong and in another they kept me back from stuff I should have done. Who knows? Why am I telling you this? A couple of reasons. If you are feeling the same way – stop it now and don’t waste time on what the dickheads of the world tell you. The other reason – to get this out of my system to push myself into action and stop the half arsed smoke and mirror technique myself. I am the toughest person I know but sometimes I am so dumb. I am just as half done as that house.

Okay…end of Dr Phil moment….
Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?