Wednesday, 17 December 2008

The things you notice....

…and wonder about on early morning walks. I see bats flying home at dawn. Where’s home? Where do bats hang out? No, there are no caves in the suburbs. Who paints the totem poles? I live in an area where there is a school. They have brightly painted totem poles lining the route to school. I have never seen anyone painting these ever in 10 years yet they look fresh. And why do steep inclines seem like Mt Everest to walk up at 4:30am? I know, I know…the answer to the last one is why the bloody hell are you up that early?

My interview with the furry one…

Oh Rudolph…
Amarinda - I have to tell you Rudolph you look nothing like your pictures. I wasn’t aware you smoked cigars.
Rudolph –I only do it when I drink, babe.
A – I see – is that how you got the red nose? Drinking…what is that in you hoof? A margarita?
R – Yeah and the nose is a fake. It’s plastic.
A- That’s so tacky
R – Its show business, babe. We use it to draw the punters in. They ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ over the cuteness of it. Talk about dumb.
A- So essentially your whole persona is a lie
R – Yeah and I’m actually a moose not a reindeer
A – What? You’re a moose?
R – Reindeer aren’t sexy. It’s all about the length of antler, babe – you know that.
A - Don’t you feel bad about misleading the public with this deception?
R – No because people want to believe a shiny, red nosed animal is relied on by the fat guy to pull a sleigh. They want to believe in magic. It’s all a load of crap but it keeps me in Tequila.
A – Is there nothing magical about you?
R – I can waggle my ears and I can write my name in the snow when I pee. Wanna’ watch?
A – Ah no…what about the other reindeer?
R – They’re just jealous. None of them have their name in a song. It’s not my problem if they can’t market themselves effectively.
A – So just what do you get out of this?
R- That I can’t discuss that, babe. I am bound by my contract to Santa Claus Inc. But I will say the ladies love me.
A – So does Christmas mean anything to you?
R – Hell yeah, the cuter I am the more money I make.
A – You’re a soulless bastard aren’t you?
R- Someone has to be, babe.
A - Are any of your intentions honourable?
R – I always buy a lady dinner before we get down to business…
A – On that pukeable note – anything you’d like to say to the innocent children who believe in Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer…I mean moose?
R – My new breakfast cereal – Rudolph Sugar Puffs is out now. Get your parents to buy it and they’ll get $1.99 off their next Tequila purchase at participating liquor stores.
A – Rudolph – you are a wanker
R – Here’s my number, babe – call me. I like feisty women
Go Ahead:Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?