Wednesday, 5 March 2008

Wednesday once more....


-Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
-You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
-The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
-Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
-You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
-Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
-You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
-You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
-You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
-The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

I got a letter in the mail today that made my hair stand on end in fear. Oh lord no – it could not possibly be. I re-read the letter again, hoping I was mistaken but no there it was in black and white with a pretty pink banner up the top…

Dear Amarinda

We wish to advise to advise you that you are due to have a mammogram.

Oh crap…don’t get me wrong, I think all women should have regular breast checks, it’s just the thought of a mammogram made me shiver. I am sure those of you that have had them know what I mean. To me it’s like squashing your boob between two bricks until it is as flat as a pancake. My friend Nola reckons it like lying topless on your side as a car drives over your breast. It’s damn painful but it has to be done as cancer is worse. But holy hell I am not looking forward to it. The ladies at the clinic are very, very nice and they have seen thousands of breasts so yours is no treat for them. I do however laugh, as you are standing there without the benefit of hydraulic lifting, when they ask if you have had breast augmentation. Seriously? Do these puppies look like I asked a surgeon to make ‘em this way? I know that have to ask but it always makes we laugh. So, if you have not had a mammogram go and bloody have one. Yes, it hurts – I’m not going to tell you otherwise but it is a necessity. It can save your life.

Age shall not weary them….

….I saw these two ladies today. They had long blonde hair and they were wearing tight Lycra pants and teeny weeny jackets that barely covered their midriffs. No, that’s not an unusual sight. The thing is they had to be at least 80 years old and they were a tad doddery on their 3 inch heels – but they were working it for all it was worth. People were staring at them and whispering but I looked at them and I thought ‘good on them.’ Who says you have to look a certain way when you’re a certain age? If they felt good as blonde 80 year old bombshells then who am I to say they shouldn’t look like that? I believe we spend too much time worrying about what other people are doing and saying. My plan has always been to age disgracefully. I’m going to have blazing red hair and wear all black lycra -maybe with a bit of leopard print but I hate wearing heels so maybe sparkly shoes. So are you going to age with grace or be the one everyone shakes there had over?

I have a sty on my eye lid…aren’t they bloody annoying? Anyway, an acquaintance advised that I have to rub a gold wedding ring on the affected area. This is an old remedy. So, sure why not – who’s to say it’s any sillier than any other cure? I have a gold ring I wear all the time – but gasp – my acquaintance told me it has to be a wedding ring and not just any ring. Okay, what I want to know is how an infected eyelid will know the difference? Real gold is real gold whether it’s a tether or an ornament. So what’s your favourite traditional old/weird arsed cure?

I have been hounding the local city council to get the road surface in the street I live in fixed for months. It’s not a major road by any means. Two cars can just fit down it and we like it that way because its a quiet street. Anyway the council type people have just been fobbing me off with half arsed excuses. So I went and saw the local council member who is up for re-election – next week in fact – and explained the situation to him and what I expected done being a rate paying citizen. The road is getting fixed next week. Now, if there had of been no election, I know that I would have been told me to hurry up and wait. About three months ago a large chunk of the gutter was loose. It annoyed me as it was near my drive and it made my nice, new driveway look sucky. I rang them and got the usual response. I then lied and said the concrete has broken away from the curb and it’s in the middle of the street and I’m worried a car would hit it and the council would be liable. They were instantly in panic mode. Can I some how push it over to the side of the road? I said I would try but they better hurry for as a woman I could only lift concrete so far. They said they would be out in 30 minutes. I then ran outside and dragged the piece of concrete from where it was safe against the gutter and strained to pull it into the middle of the street. When they arrived they were alarmed and thanked me. The gutter got re-cemented. It annoyed me for a long time that I couldn’t think of a similar plan for the road. But thank you lord for elections.

I have not had jelly – or jell-o as some of you may call it since I was a kid. I had some on the weekend with a dessert and now I am a jelly-eating freak. I am out of control man! I have no idea how to break the jelly cycle. Is there a jelly anonymous? It’s such a ridiculous thing to be hooked on…

Anny is talking computers and spam on No, she is not eating fake ham as she types – I feel I should say that in case you think I may have misled you when you go there. Kelly had fellow Aussie Katie Blu on Ms Blu is discussing finding a mate. Check it out and read about a strange woman…not Katie or Kelly…although sometimes…and wanna' win a great prize? Of course you do. Check out and answer one really easy question to win.

No blog tomorrow...but I will be back on Friday…may the force be with you
Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?


Anonymous said...

Oooh ... aeroplane Jelly?? What flavour? I love Port Wine flavour. Yes, I'm an alcoholic at heart *rolls eyes*.

Can't think of any remedy's/cures atm. I'll have to get back to you on that one.

Mona Risk said...

I never realized STRESSED is DESSERTS spelled backwards. Now do desserts supposed to relieve stress? In my case they add stress and pounds as I can never stop at one if I start.

Anny Cook said...

Jello??? What flavor. Maybe that would make a difference. And yes I received the same mammo letter so I'm arranging it. Smashed boobies.

Kelly Kirch said...

You are truly classic, AJ! Ingenious and sneaky. What an excellent way to get your gutter fixed! Are you for real? Did Hollywood invent you or something? I have never met anyone like you and I am absolutely jealous of your creativity. GREEN with it. I've said it before but I wish I could follow you around for a day with a hook up to your thoughts.

Molly Daniels said...

Yeah...skipped my mammo last year and my dr scolded me. I still need to schedule one...

Hmmm...chocolate chips in an omelet. I'll have to try that one:)

Just can't seem to get hubby on that plane to fix your road probs...

Hey, saw something on the news last night from Brisbane...I think it was the slam-dunking acrobats...if I'm wrong, tell me.

Bronwyn's Blog said...

Crud. I'd cleverly forgotten that it was mamogram time. Oh well...thanks for the reminder. You're good with the PSAs.

Ashley Ladd said...

Yuck to mammograms and jello, although more to those evil, vicious, hideous, monstrous, vile machines that try to make pancakes out of us.

JacquƩline_Roth said...

I'm still in the every other year age bracket for mammograms according to my dr. So I have a yearly reprieve.

Favorite home remedy? Vinegar and a brown paper bag for a sprain. Soak strips of brown paper bag in vinegar and wrap sprain. I have no idea why it works, but it does ease the ache and helps the swelling. Or maybe the fumes just knock you out.

Sandra Cox said...

Loved the list of estrogen issues and the pics. Too funny.
We'll have a moment of silence for your visit to the mammogram machine. I got my notice too but I figured they were confused on the date so I've put mine off awhile. Hmm, I've never been asked about augmentation. I guess they can figure that one out when they look at me:)
Safe journey.

Georgie Lee said...

What you need are some Jell-o shooters. All the sugar, all the alcohol, just 10 little calories!

I love the captions to the pictures.