Last Man Standing - released today at Cerridwen Press. http://www.cerridwenpress.com/AuthorsBooks.asp?AuthorCode=JDav. Let the pigeons loose!
My editor sent me this. I think we can all relate…
"Out Of Office" Automatic Email Replies
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $4.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
I don’t know whether you remember several blogs back to Merv the possum. I know, it was unforgettable. But if you did forget…Merv is a possum that sits on the pergola and waits for me to get home every night after work. I like to think it’s because he is worried about me but it’s probably more that he resigns himself to the fact that the human is back and he no longer has the run of the place. Merv appears to me to be a very jaded soul. That I am human and have thumbs does not seem to impress him. Him? Or her? Yes, the truth is out Merv is actually a Mervina. How do I know? I drove home this evening and found Merv…I mean Mervina in the usual spot on the pergola and there was a baby Mervette on her back. I was dumbfounded. Mervina was having sex at my house without my knowledge? Though I suppose it’s good to know someone is…but that’s another story. Mervina looked deadly unimpressed as always to see me. The Mervette looked at its mother in query and I suspect Mervina explained who I was and just to ignore me. So once again city girl bonds with the local wildlife...wildlife unimpressed and city girl went upstairs to drink wine. Status quo maintained.
It was explained to me at work that another man will be hired. I am the only woman. No, this is no cause for excitement. While, in my experience, women are calculating and manipulative shrews in an office atmosphere, myself included (please don't be shocked) you always know where you stand with other females. With men, it’s different. I find they take everything so seriously. They don’t understand the need for the third desk drawer down to be filled with chocolate instead of the vital files I have stashed in a box under my desk, they don’t get that painting your toenails is a perfectly reasonable thing to do because who has time at home to do it and they assume every time you are unhappy with them it’s that ‘time of the month.’
The powers that be have not hired this man yet. I know it will be a man as they have decided only a man can do this upper level management job. Why? My understanding is because women don’t have penises and apparently this job requires one. Why? Well I asked that and was told “we need someone to take control.” Ah, said I, “So an extra appendage is needed for stabilization?” No, its more “men are more rational.” “I’m not rational?” I asked, my death stare boring into the speaker’s forehead. “No it’s just that we need someone older and knowledgeable.” Uh huh, wanker-like answer. I said “What happens if only - god forbid – women apply for the role?” The answer? “Then we’ll let the position go.” I pointed out, in my own sweet way, that this was “pretty bloody stupid.” They weren’t taken aback as I speak my mind frequently. Why do they keep me on especially as I don’t have a penis? Because, in between writing books and sending personal emails, I run that office like half-arsed clockwork. It’s mainly done by flirting and fear. I can be very charming when I choose to be and very frightening when I don’t get my way. And, apparently, being an office manager is a female job, not requiring a penis. I said, “What if a lesbian with a strap-on applies for this testosterone job you are advertising? Or a tranny (transvestite).” I was met by blank stare then that fake laugh people do when they have no idea how else to react. Why do I work there? Money and I do what I want when I want and it has all the office supplies I need to do it. So let ‘em play their little boy games. I am woman and I know I am damn good and I don’t need an extra appendage to prove it.
"Out Of Office" Automatic Email Replies
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $4.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
I don’t know whether you remember several blogs back to Merv the possum. I know, it was unforgettable. But if you did forget…Merv is a possum that sits on the pergola and waits for me to get home every night after work. I like to think it’s because he is worried about me but it’s probably more that he resigns himself to the fact that the human is back and he no longer has the run of the place. Merv appears to me to be a very jaded soul. That I am human and have thumbs does not seem to impress him. Him? Or her? Yes, the truth is out Merv is actually a Mervina. How do I know? I drove home this evening and found Merv…I mean Mervina in the usual spot on the pergola and there was a baby Mervette on her back. I was dumbfounded. Mervina was having sex at my house without my knowledge? Though I suppose it’s good to know someone is…but that’s another story. Mervina looked deadly unimpressed as always to see me. The Mervette looked at its mother in query and I suspect Mervina explained who I was and just to ignore me. So once again city girl bonds with the local wildlife...wildlife unimpressed and city girl went upstairs to drink wine. Status quo maintained.
It was explained to me at work that another man will be hired. I am the only woman. No, this is no cause for excitement. While, in my experience, women are calculating and manipulative shrews in an office atmosphere, myself included (please don't be shocked) you always know where you stand with other females. With men, it’s different. I find they take everything so seriously. They don’t understand the need for the third desk drawer down to be filled with chocolate instead of the vital files I have stashed in a box under my desk, they don’t get that painting your toenails is a perfectly reasonable thing to do because who has time at home to do it and they assume every time you are unhappy with them it’s that ‘time of the month.’
The powers that be have not hired this man yet. I know it will be a man as they have decided only a man can do this upper level management job. Why? My understanding is because women don’t have penises and apparently this job requires one. Why? Well I asked that and was told “we need someone to take control.” Ah, said I, “So an extra appendage is needed for stabilization?” No, its more “men are more rational.” “I’m not rational?” I asked, my death stare boring into the speaker’s forehead. “No it’s just that we need someone older and knowledgeable.” Uh huh, wanker-like answer. I said “What happens if only - god forbid – women apply for the role?” The answer? “Then we’ll let the position go.” I pointed out, in my own sweet way, that this was “pretty bloody stupid.” They weren’t taken aback as I speak my mind frequently. Why do they keep me on especially as I don’t have a penis? Because, in between writing books and sending personal emails, I run that office like half-arsed clockwork. It’s mainly done by flirting and fear. I can be very charming when I choose to be and very frightening when I don’t get my way. And, apparently, being an office manager is a female job, not requiring a penis. I said, “What if a lesbian with a strap-on applies for this testosterone job you are advertising? Or a tranny (transvestite).” I was met by blank stare then that fake laugh people do when they have no idea how else to react. Why do I work there? Money and I do what I want when I want and it has all the office supplies I need to do it. So let ‘em play their little boy games. I am woman and I know I am damn good and I don’t need an extra appendage to prove it.
**PS- three women have applied for the job. No men. Aww...isn't that sad?
Well, what did you think of Kelly and the gnome incident on www.kkirch.blogspot.com? Who knew gnomes were like that? As always it's Anny fault for leading her down the garden path, so to speak. Check out www.annycook.blogspot.com to see how the gnome thing all came about. What am I going to do about it? Tune in same blog time tomorrow and take a squizz.
Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?
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5 comments:
The solution is simple. Get your own strap-on--a BIGGER one--preferably in a very intimidating color like bright orange!
"I've temporarily gone blind, and my seeing eye dog cannot type. However, this condition is due to change in 5 months or so...expect an email once sight is restored!"
Ha ha:)
I like Anny's solution. Make sure to adjust yourself periodically and scratch the top of your boss' head (as you have said it is a scrotum) so as to appear completely in control. Grab your boob occassionally, as all men love boobs and would grab those if they possessed them. Then, if you can manage, stick your head up your arse so as to be equally intellegent as your male counterparts.
No, I don't need to compete as it's work and therfore not real life.
What does Molly's comment mean I wonder?
Just adding my own humorous spin to the 'out of office' emails...see today's blog entry:)
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