Monday, 24 September 2007

Screw 'em...

Breasts…what is the point of them? Yes, I know the various biological and sexual answers to this question but really aren’t there times when you wished you didn’t have them? Breasts can be painful and problematic. For a while now, I have held this belief that screw on- screw off breasts would be a distinct advantage. What am I talking about?

Advantages of screw on-off breasts –

- At period time when they start to ache – screw ‘em off and put them in a box until they are no longer painful to carry around.
- Mammograms are painful. Solution? Unscrew breasts – hand them to the technician to check while you wait outside in the waiting room.
- Gravity making your breasts sag? Unscrew ‘em and get new ones.
- Flat chested? Buy a bigger screw on size. Need a breast reduction? Buy a smaller size. No surgery involved.
- Using breasts to your advantage - “Hmm…a D cup today to get the boss off the subject of my slack arsed performance at work? Yes, I think so.” Men are so easy to get off track.
- Author Anny Cook’s suggestion - if you get mugged and you decide to fight back and chase the mugger, as you run you can unscrew a breast, throw it and bean him. The only problem with this is there could be case for assault with a deadly nipple and the legal ramifications of that.
- Author Kelly Kirch’s suggestions - public breast feeding would not be an issue as you could unscrew them and feed your child without moralistic people getting all offended. Also while taking a bath, if you don’t have a bath plug, unscrew a breast and use that. My only caution on that is make sure they don’t get suctioned into the plug hole too hard as you would be up for a replacement screw-on breast.
- Before you get dressed to go out women could look at an outfit and say “Does this need boobs or not?” Sort of like do I need a necklace or not? Think of all the clothes you could wear that would not pull across your bust.
- Twisted bra strap? Do you have permanent dints in you shoulders from wearing a bra? The answer is simple. Free yourself from bras. Get screw-on breasts that remain perky and need no hydraulic lifting.
- Weighing in for a diet check? Unscrew your breasts and be instantly pounds lighter.
- Not in the mood for sex but your partner is? Hand him the breasts and say “Knock yourself out.”
- Like to jog? Hate sports bras? Unscrew your breasts.
- They could be used for doorstops, exercise weights, ear muffs, paperweights, headrests – the uses are endless.

So, I put it to you – is this a good idea or what? Damn shame I was not around when they were drawing up the plans for the female of the species.

Speaking of females, did you see what Kelly has done know to the blog episode on Mind you she was only following the Mistress of the blog serials lead. Check out and see where the madness all started.

Maid For Death - released October - don't you just love pumpkin boy on the cover?
Cassandra Kent has a problem. Two men want her. Fantasy is great, reality can kill you.

One would be lover is a pissed off ghost. Once a year Miles returns on Halloween to kill a maid as an act of vengeance. The other is a dark, sexy Scot who is hunting the ghost. Sebastian plans to make sure the ghost stays dead and buried. Cassandra is the means to do it.
Cassandra is under threat from both men. Both want to have sex with her and both could be the death of her. What's s girl to do? ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?


anny cook said...

I believe you're on to something. Women could keep a set of different sizes and take 'em off at night so it was easier to sleep!

kelly kirch said...

And I still think the best use is a thermostat. Leave them on your sill. If it puckers, wear a sweater. Or as spy prevention. Shove nipple side into keyhole. Spyers will literally get an eye full of nipple.

Love this direction as you know.

elissa said...

OK--the image of breast ear muffs is one I could have happily lived without...

Can you buy replacements in singles, not just pairs? You know, in case the default pair is mismatched.

TJ Michaels said...

OH.MY.FRICKIN' GOD!!! The answer to ALL my problems! I love it. Hope you don't mind if I share 'cause I'm going to link this blog post all over the place!

Kudos to you guys!


Amarinda Jones said...

Yep, you will be able to buy them as singles-due to accidents and disease.

And I am glad you liked it - thanks TJ