Sunday, 3 May 2009

Have you ever…

….had something change your life so significantly that you’re no longer sure if what you believed previously was right or wrong and you’re lost for words when you try to explain your thoughts? I’m in that mode at the moment. Usually I can talk underwater with a mouth full of marbles and never hesitate in what I am saying. But of late I am stopping and thinking and analyzing every thought before I speak so I won’t get caught up …and damn it I’m stammeringI never stammer. It’s so not me and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

I have always believed upheaval in your life is a good thing. Why? Because we all become too bloody programmed and static as we trudge along on our own particular treadmills. We act as robots knowing that what we did yesterday is what we’ll do today and the people we’ll do it with will be the same as they are every day. It’s boring as buggery of course. I think we need to be shocked, pushed or shoved onto another path. It keeps us fresh. It’s a good thing…yet I’m having trouble dealing with it all of a sudden and I’m thinking of hundreds of reasons and excuses to get out of things.

I used to be so decisive – ‘it’s black, it’s white – yes – no – do this, do that.’ I miss that decisiveness. Yet, I don’t miss the treadmill I was on. Actually what I want is everything. I want the safe, old stuff in my life and the out of control new stuff. I want to run screaming away at a million miles an hour and yet stay and tough it out. I want everything and yet nothing is also very safe….I feel totally screwed and I like it - but I don’t. And I’m blithering – as I am now – to try and make sense of all the changes in my life….oh lordy… has this ever happened to you? Most confusing grasshopper…
Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?