Saturday, 23 May 2009

Oh boy....

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?
Meredith Grey – Gray’s Anatomy

Last night I did something so out of character that I wanted to just curl up into a ball and go into complete denial. I’m embarrassed and I rarely ever get embarrassed. But then, until now, nothing and no one has ever been important enough to care to get embarrassed over. What did I do? Threw caution to the wind over something. Why did I even do what I did? Well, there’s the question. I did it in a brave, stupid moment. Would I do it again? Um…yeah, probably to prove a point I would and that the truth needs to be told. What was the point? I wanted to believe I wasn’t scared. I discovered I was. The truth…well, it’s what it is and cannot be changed. Do I regret it? No, it had to be done.

And yeah, I do use this slogan a lot - “Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?” 90% of the time I live these words. The other 10% is so intensely personal that I normally choose to believe 90% of life is okay and I just ignore the other stuff that makes up the other 10%. Generally this works for me. But of late I am getting wake up call after wake up call and I’m thinking more and more about that 10% and what I want and I’m not sure I am brave enough to name it. Maybe it’s best not to…maybe I should just throw caution to the wind because what the hell – I can’t do anything sillier can I?

I am a little less embarrassed by what I did this morning. The thing is I did what I did. It’s out there and I just have to deal with it and move on. Jeez, isn’t life just full of frigging lessons and teachers that refuse to give up on you…
Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?