Sunday, 12 July 2009

The Dolores dilemma…

In a new quest to change shake up my life and chi and karma and all those spiritual/new age thingies, I decided to rearrange the furniture in the house in a sort of half arsed feng shui way. Head slap. What a task that was. My bedroom alone took forever. I have the heaviest furniture - most of it dates back to the 1930’s – and dust – where the hell did all the dust come from? I don’t understand how dust gets under things because in theory if you cover something with a bed or a fainting lounge – don’t get me started on how heavy and awkward that is – then how does dust get under it? Hmmm?

Then there’s Dolores – see picture. I bought Dolores when I was 13. She is a 1960’s dressmaker mannequin. I don’t say ‘dummy’ because I feel Dolores may consider that negative. Isn’t she stylish? She’s dressed in a 1960’s Thai silk beaded dress and my hand embroidered 1920’s robe that I also bought when I was 13. Yes, I was odd back then too. Anyway, once I rearranged the bedroom, I realized there was nowhere for Dolores to stand and look glamorously stoic, as she does. What a conundrum. For the moment Dolores is standing in the middle of the bedroom until inspiration strikes me or I walk into her in the middle of the night…whichever comes first.

So, as I sorted through stuff I found really useful things on my bedside table like 1930’s opera glasses, a tin toy taxi, a dish of Anzac badges, three pens that wouldn’t work, a plastic fish, a collection of earrings and an unopened box of coloured condoms. As I have sworn off men, I was contemplating what to do with the condoms. I found these uses on the internet –
1. Hair tie
2. Slip 'er over a payphone to avoid "NASTY" germs
3. Bathing cap (if you stretch it in the right manner)
4. Neat travel case for your toothbrush
5. Wet suit for a ferret
6. Finger puppets
7. Travel size shampoo and conditioner holders
8. Use it to store that urine sample next time you go to the doc for a checkup
9. Latex toe warmers
10. Stuff, and use to stop drafts under doors
11. Fill with rocks and use to as a weapon in a crisis situation
12. Makeshift sandbags in the event of a flood
13. To keep candles dry when camping
14. To quickly fill water pistols
15. Change purse

I’m liking the wet suit for a ferret thing. Now, I just got to find me a ferret….