Sniper cook...

Nothing much happening here…just another Saturday in Oz. Doing the laundry, cleaning, writing and making pumpkin soup. Yes, I have mentioned several times on this blog I don’t like to cook. I find it pukeable. But its winter here and I thought “I want pumpkin soup.” But not just any half-arsed soup. Cans of soup are okay for convenience but I want my kick arse pumpkin soup. No, I’m not one of those authors who have a recipe page. If I did it would be “go to freezer – pull out frozen meal – squint at instructions on packet - nuke for the required time in the microwave.” I can cook. I’m quite good at it but it’s not something I like doing. Cook and people will always expect it. Have take-away menus and people will expect that instead. So I’ll be making pumpkin soup. What’s in it? It depends on my mood. As grandma Elsie used to say, with a wink, everything but my fingernails.

I used to work with this woman called…um, er…Marlene. She was a sniper cook. What I mean by this is she would target someone at work, like my best friend Katie, and bring in all sorts of food for her to try. Marlene is a great cook. The problem is Marlene expects favours after you eat her food. I warned Katie this. I had been there and done that. Unlike Katie I worked all this out before I even had a bite. Some things are just not right are they? Anyway, Katie just thought Marlene was being kind…nuh-uh. After so much food, Marlene wanted Kylie to do things for her. Drive me here…drive me there. Go shopping for me in your lunch hour. Give me this. Give me that. Marlene was and probably still is a psychopath. The one time I denied her the food come on, she went off her head (nutso). Katie said ‘what do I do?’ Remember Nancy Reagan’s ‘Just say no’ campaign with drugs? Yeah, Marlene the psycho-chef needed to be told that. Once told, she hated you.

So food – it brings us together – it divides us. It’s the frozen goodness that makes microwave sellers happy or the oh-my-god moment when you just have to break down and make pumpkin soup because no other bugger makes it like you do. Cooking is pukeable but necessary when all else fails….and once every six months is okay.

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