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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Sunday....

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” -- Neil Gaiman

Sunday in Oz…I got nothing…have a good day

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Riding goats....

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member -- Groucho Marx

I was watching some dumb stunt on TV the other night about people trying to get a woman into an exclusive male club in Melbourne. Only penises have been allowed to enter the hallowed halls since Billy was a pup (a long time). Anyway, the members were most offended that a woman even thought of going inside the club. I'm not sure why. I think it has something to do with the men in the club don't want a woman to see them ride a goat and swallow goldfish or do some other male bonding thing that women would laugh their arses off over.

What is it with exclusive clubs? I don’t get it. I really don't. Why can't people just join without being vetted or recommended? It smacks of groups of people who set themselves up as being better than anyone else. Then they make others jump through hoops to be considered 'good enough' to interact with them. I am a diehard socialist. I believe no one is better than any other bugger on the planet and you can dream up whatever exclusivity clause you like but again you are still no better than anyone else. And that idea that someone has to be recommended? Bizzarro world...

Dear X

I am recommending Y to you. She doesn’t blow her nose on her sleeve, can use a knife and fork, crosses her legs when she sits and wouldn’t say shit for a shilling so I reckon take her on.

Yours faithfully
A

I mean come on. Really? A recommendation to join something? What? Are the people you want to join some whizz bang untouchable group that are so dazzling that one must be glad just to have a moment with them? I recommended someone recently. I said 'she's the complete opposite of me so I reckon you'll like her.’ Why did I do it when I think recommendations are dumb arsed? Because this person wanted to belong to something and while I don’t understand the exclusivity thing, I understand some people need to belong. And oh god no, I have no pull at all. They bounced her.

So, if I start a club I guarantee you that anyone can join, no recommendations will be needed and if you want to ride a goat it will be choice only and not a stipulation of membership…but bring your own goat.

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Why is it…

…no matter what you do or say you cannot push some people away??? Why are they so frigging immoveable? You stand there and put your hands on their chest and dig your heels in and push with all your might and they do not budge. You say deliberately dumb arsed things to make them think it’s all too hard to deal with you but they tell you to get a grip. You point out all your terrible, evil flaws and they’re like ‘so what?’ You are so panicked with what may happen and yet they’re like ‘shut up stop thinking so much.’

Why are none of my super powers working??? I don’t what to do any more…

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Rant...

California's Supreme Court on Tuesday upheld a referendum which outlawed gay marriage but said 18,000 same-sex weddings carried out before the vote would remain legally valid.

Gay and lesbian activists had been seeking to overturn the results of the November referendum which redefined marriage in California as being unions between men and women only.

http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/world/5604154/california-upholds-gay-marriage-ban/

I have said it before and I will say it again...who the hell has the right to tell people who they can love or marry? How dare they? While it's great that they are going to uphold those marriages that took place, they are stripping away the fundamental rights of anyone else who wants to marry now or in the future in California. I swear to god this makes me so angry. Why? Because it's effectively condemning a section of society for the lifestyle choices they make. I don’t give a rat's arse if you are gay or straight, purple, pink or puce - what you choose to do with your life is up to you and archaic thinking about sex and love is wrong. How dare some people set themselves up as the judge and jury over people's emotions and needs? I couldn’t believe the news when I heard it on the radio. I made me both mad and sad. Human rights are just that. The right to be human and feel and act like every other human regardless of what you believe.

And for those of you who think - well, it doesn’t affect me I’m not gay – I believe you’re wrong - anything that affects one human being’s rights affects all of us and sticking your head in the sand or quoting scriptures to try and prove only men and women can be together is crap. And I am sure there is some do-gooder out there thinking ‘well, at least gay and lesbian couples can still be together. We're not stopping that. We just won’t make it legal, easy or a fundamental right’ - what a load of bullshit. That's no frigging concession to people who love each other and want to be together. And why should they be considered any differently to anyone else? This decision in California sucks big time and those who made it should be ashamed.

Maine, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Vermont, and Iowa have all extended full marriage rights to gay couples, while New Hampshire and New York have edged closer to adopting such a law.

http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/world/5604154/california-upholds-gay-marriage-ban/

Good for them. They do not allow prejudice to rule.

As always – you can email me.

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Knackered....

…knackered and knackered….I may have been burning the candle somewhat at both ends for a while and it just occurred to me that I’m frigging knackered. My broken toe is killing me because I wore my Doc Martens yesterday and made my foot worst but some people never learn do they? And I have a dead possum (don’t ask –just annoyed it died in my yard) in the wheely bin outside (trash can) that is an utter nose breaker every time I dump stuff in the bin. Luckily, it’s more the vampire’s problem (neighbours I never see and who only come out a night to hang out the washing) as it’s near their fence. While it’s true you probably shouldn’t mess with the undead, I ain’t moving the bin any closer to my house.

Ok…whine over…

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Far out brussel sprout...

….I am always excessively annoyed when it hits 10 or 11pm and my bed hasn’t been remade with clean sheets. You know you strip the bed before work and think ‘I’ll make it when I get home’ and you never do. It’s a most annoying habit I have. It’s called being a complete and utter crap housekeeper. Yet, I do love me so despite the chaos of Chez Amarinda. That pic above is some of what you would see if you wandered into my messy abode. I like old stuff and I like weird stuff and I like to bunch it all together. There is a certain antiques collector who comes occasionally when I want to de-junk-ify and he loves ‘to shop’ at my place. I make him pay through the nose. Never negotiate with me. You will lose.

Clutter is terrible feng shui you know – it’s written in all the new age touchy-feely books. However I do have half a dozen feng shui mirrors and red tasseled things up in this room and others to counteract the badness. My theory is the ‘bad spirits’ and energy will be so confused by all the junk that they will whirl around in a mad panic and see the feng shui mirrors and somehow magically disappear. I’m not saying it works…it’s just a theory…and I’m still alive so I think that’s significant proof.

So the bed – I’m a terrible housekeeper – clean but messy. How is the possible? It just is. When you live alone – and love it – you tend to do what suits you and that’s things like not re-making the bed until you are forced to – and no, I never pull it up during the day either. Why? In my defense I read somewhere it was better to leave it as it is and let it air. Who am I to question the wisdom of others? I feel it would indicate a lack of faith in their ideas if I did. I do have an antique bed head that came out of an old brothel so the whole unmade bed thing works with that. Call it following a theme…

Anyone that comes to stay is aware that although I personally don’t have any rules that I abide by, I require the following from them - at least two weeks notice of your intentions to stay in my cluttered abode so I can snap out of feral living alone mode into hospitable –no, I’m not bloody cooking but you can cook if you want to or lets go to the fisho down the road for takeaway mode. Actually I can cook very well. I just prefer not to, because dazzle people once with your cooking skills and the buggers expect it all the time. Though I did cook last night. I even bought a new wok pan thingy for cooking stir fry. I really feel they should point out to people to remove the paper sticker under the pan because flames and paper don’t mix and it’s an absolute bugger to pull the fire blanket out to smother flames. I actually feel this was the cosmos telling me I had disrupted the cosmic order by suddenly doing some random cooking so “please don’t do it again.” I don’t have to be told twice – and the stir fry was delicious despite the drama that went with it but who doesn’t love a floor show?

So, in essence, I am hell to live with. There are people who will willingly swear on bibles attesting to this fact. I don’t pretend otherwise. Stay with me at your own risk.

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Pulp fiction...

So I was at the gym doing this exercise that was hard and painful on my thighs. Why was I doing it? Why am I doing anything of late? I really don’t know…I just am. Anyway, it’s an exercise where your hands are free so I grabbed a magazine and read that for 15 minutes while I tortured my legs. Two articles caught my attention –

1. Revenge Porn – you and your lover are filmed having sex. It’s supposedly a mutual, fun thing to do and you in theory love/are besotted with each other so it’s not like anyone is ever going to see your cellulite and his dangly bits but you two. But what if you break up and it’s really nasty? Apparently it is a big business to put personal sex tapes on the internet to teach you ex-lover a lesson. And it’s mainly men who do this. Somehow they get some thrill out of humiliating their ex-lover by showing her all naked and vulnerable to a world wide audience. I have to wonder at men like this. Surely the woman would feel the most humiliated just having everyone know she slept with such a spineless, small balled twit. The naked stuff would be easier to get over. I understand revenge but have some class about it. Putting it on the internet? I can’t see any woman ever wanting to date/sleep with a man who was found to have been obnoxious enough to do this…and did I mention it’s mainly men in their early twenties that are the culprits? Figures…

2. Writing your list for the perfect man. Huh? We need a list? How dumb is that? Besides, I don’t do lists. The best I can do is sticky notes which I tend to lose. I choose to believe I have a fantastic mind that recalls everything so why do I need a list? No, I don’t recall everything. If I did I wouldn’t lose the sticky notes with vital info on them. Anyway – all women – according to some magazine guru - are supposed to have a list of 10 attributes of “the man of their dreams.” I don’t have this list but then I tend to live in reality and not dreams. I don’t believe you can write down a grocery list of attributes for a man then go to aisle number 12 or 13 and find him, price tag him and take him home. No man is ever going to be everything you want in a man. It’s not possible so why limit yourself to what you think you want? Maybe something like a little quirkiness is good and maybe you left that off your list. Can you take a man back for an exchange or is he considered used? Hmmm, the magazine never mentioned this bit.

What worries me is people believe magazine psychology. There are no perfect people. Most people are only going to be 5 or 6 out of 10 on a ‘list’ and most times that’s okay and to think otherwise is idealistic and foolish. Perfection is vastly overrated. As for revenge porn - my belief is only complete and utter wankers do that. As for magazines – read ‘em but don’t believe ‘em.

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Sunday....

Finished my Aussie book submission. All my books are set in Australia but this submission was specific. It had to be a very real Aussie book – not the sanitized ones you get that are pseudo Aussie – lingo and all. Strangely enough, some people can’t understand us Aussies sometimes when we speak full strine. The book took some time as I had to do a glossary because without it, no matter how many times you have seen Crocodile Dundee, you would have had stuff all idea what I was talking about. But it’s done and gone to my long suffering editor who will read it and bang her head on the desk and say “why doesn’t she listen to me? It’s ‘who’ not ‘that’ and there are two people yet there five hands and he cannot be doing that to her unless he is a seven foot tall contortionist with delusions of grandeur.” Oh well…’never said I was perfect…

Someone gave me a bunch of daisies. It was such a sweet thing to do and it meant a great deal to me. Daisies are my favourite flowers. I’ll tell you a secret – I would prefer a bunch of daisies to a diamond. Uh oh - did you hear that? It sounded like the rumble of great thunder. A bunch of Jones women, all dead and gone, rolled over in their graves in horror. I guess I’ll have some explaining to do when I get to hell.

Have a good Sunday. I’m going to have to clean up after the flood we had in Brizzie. Most of the water has gone and the mud – yes lovely – is all dried up and easier to deal with. Luckily, I fared pretty well. I feel for those buggers who didn’t. Sometimes life is so bloody random and unfair that you have to wonder what the cosmic plan is or if some cosmic deity just got drunk and thought – what the hell – let’s screw with their lives.

Before I go to the gym and run and jump and sweat a lot…the things we do…something I don’t understand - “Funniest Home Videos” – I don’t get how someone being in pain is funny…or why friends and relatives would try to profit from it but filming the pain…please explain.

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Oh boy....

“Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?”
Meredith Grey – Gray’s Anatomy

Last night I did something so out of character that I wanted to just curl up into a ball and go into complete denial. I’m embarrassed and I rarely ever get embarrassed. But then, until now, nothing and no one has ever been important enough to care to get embarrassed over. What did I do? Threw caution to the wind over something. Why did I even do what I did? Well, there’s the question. I did it in a brave, stupid moment. Would I do it again? Um…yeah, probably to prove a point I would and that the truth needs to be told. What was the point? I wanted to believe I wasn’t scared. I discovered I was. The truth…well, it’s what it is and cannot be changed. Do I regret it? No, it had to be done.

And yeah, I do use this slogan a lot - “Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?” 90% of the time I live these words. The other 10% is so intensely personal that I normally choose to believe 90% of life is okay and I just ignore the other stuff that makes up the other 10%. Generally this works for me. But of late I am getting wake up call after wake up call and I’m thinking more and more about that 10% and what I want and I’m not sure I am brave enough to name it. Maybe it’s best not to…maybe I should just throw caution to the wind because what the hell – I can’t do anything sillier can I?

I am a little less embarrassed by what I did this morning. The thing is I did what I did. It’s out there and I just have to deal with it and move on. Jeez, isn’t life just full of frigging lessons and teachers that refuse to give up on you…

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

The things we do....

Last night, after running and boxing, I ran back and forward in the gym 80 times – I kid you not - carrying 10 kilo (22 or so pound) weights. I picked one up – ten in all. I ran. I put it down. I ran back and picked up another...over and frigging over. I’m not completely sure how I didn’t drop down dead. Why did I do it? Well that bastard, er - I mean, my trainer Hugh said it was a good thing to do. Note to self – “do not jump off cliff if Hugh tells you to.” Hugh’s one of the always up and vibrant people and no matter how many times you call him a sadistic bastard he just laughs and says ‘go harder’…

Things my Trainer - Hugh says to me...

- ‘come on breathe’ - my general response is ‘no, piss off I don’t want to. His response is ‘do you want to die and make me to look bad?’ Mine – ‘what? Can't handle the pressure of a dead client?'
- ‘how does that feel?’ - this is when I have my leg bent backward with my heel against my arse – ‘pretty much as you'd expect with you foot on your bum.’
- ‘we can do this’ – Huh? ‘Hey fella' – what’s this ‘we’ business? I'm the only one sweating here.’
- ‘what happens to Temperance after chapter three’ (Dark Souls- he bought the book - no, I didn’t force him). ‘Don’t make me do knee lifts and I may tell you.’
- ‘so what are you doing on the weekend?’ Usually said when I am at my most breathless and strained. ‘The weekend? My plan is to be comatose after this.’
- ‘out of ten how do you feel?’ Hmmm, not sure, what number is ratshit equivalent to?
- ‘I'm going to smash you today.’ Trainer speak apparently. Slack arsed 45 year old woman speak – ‘Honey I've been at work all day - there ain't nothing left to smash.’
Hugh - ‘come on you can skip more than that.’
Amarinda – ‘how many can you skip, mister?
H – ‘It's not about me.’
A – ‘Scared a 45 year old woman can kick you arse?’
H – ‘No.’
A- ‘Prove it.’
H- ‘No.’
A – ‘Chicken.’
H – ‘Fine - whatever - give me the rope.’
This is a very good tactic as I get a rest.
- ‘you really can squat low.’ I am not convinced this is a talent myself.
- ‘how fun was work today?’ Um – go back to the ratshit scale.
- ‘is that as fast as you can run?’ I never fall for that one.
- ‘pain is good.’ Me – ‘oh piss off - not on my planet.’
- ‘you can knock 30 seconds off your time’ - yes, if I had bionic legs
- ‘your shoulders are really tense and knotty’ – yes, they match my mind and I’d hate to break up the set.
- ‘what are your goals?’ - oh, the usual - world domination, the freedom not to run with 10 kilo weights….

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Wet, wet and annoying…

It’s been bucketing down with rain in Brizzie. That’s pretty unusual. It’s not a sight we see often. Because of this and the ground being so hard and dry, it’s caused flooding and chaos and wonder of wonders we got to bugger off home early from work due to street closures. Actually there was a moment there when I thought I would miss out on going home early because I live in a high ground suburb. Head slap – how foolish of me to opt for safety when I bought the house. When others were all tearing off because they lived out in the boonies or low lying areas, I rued the ‘Heights’ part of my suburb name.

But then a miracle happened, to save me from the file culling from hell…you have no idea how sick of the alphabet I am at the moment. Why do there seem to be 27 different ways to file Mc, Mac, Le, La, De? Or is it just because the previous person, who had a stick up her arse and put all the files together, couldn’t alphabetize like a normal person or used some system from the planet anal. I firmly believe more people should sing the alphabet song when they file. If they did then I suspect there would be world peace ….just a thought…and it wasn’t just the alphabet driving me mad. It was the phone. I swear, in my job, there are people – men - who like to – either - A - drive me mad because they can or - B – are not very bright and do the exact opposite of what I have just discussed with them.

Anyway…where was I?...alphabet….rain…road closures…living on high ground…okay – yep - so I was thinking ‘holy crap I have to deal with LMNOP and XYZ and really just want to POQ (piss off quick) home.' And then the boss wandered over. “You should go home too.” I almost kissed him.

And it was good I left when I did as it was a hell of a trip home. It never occurred to me – well it hasn’t flooded in yonks – that to get to my house I have to pass through all the low lying areas to get to the Heights. Well duh. There’s nothing like driving into vast expanses of water and wondering how deep they are. When I got home and surveyed the flooded areas I winced. Bummer. I decided to avoid clean up until the weekend as there is more rain on the way. I’m also very good at avoidance. Ask anyone. Maybe I’ll avoid the alphabet tomorrow…and the phone...and the email…and men and I’ll just sit at my desk and write sex and give people the evil eye. Now, there’s a plan….

And how sweet is this. I messaged my gym trainer Hugh and said I would not be in due to flooding. He sent one message to say ‘be careful’ and then another to remind me if I had to clean up remember to use ‘my excellent squatting technique.’ It’s all in the thighs, baby…

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Uh oh...

…he’s reads my blog. He just told me. I am gobsmacked. Yes, I know an internet blog is not a private thing but it was like the second last bastion of defense I had against him. Yeah, I know, dumb but there it is. Who knew he would even be interested? Because of him, I have no idea who I am anymore and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I like it. I hate it. I am daily confused by him. I want him gone now. I want him to stay for as long as he can. It’s hard and fast and will end in a wild explosion yet I want to see how big an explosion. I want to be sitting as an old lady somewhere with a smile on my face making the other old ladies jealous with wonder.

So - him - the one with the sexy voice, the wicked words and the sweetest thoughts. Him – the one who has wandered into my boring, controlled life and disrupted the hell out of it. Him - the one I alternatively want to punch, kiss, yell at and back away from at a million miles an hour – and have - because he knows way, way too much about me. Him – the one who panics me and enthralls me. Him - who makes me want to laugh and then kick something through a wall because damn it he’s a smart arse know-it-all and worst of all he’s right. Don’t you hate that when someone can see through your disguise? Him - I want to thank for being a really, nice genuine bloke with no preconceptions about the ‘ideal’ woman - but then I just really want to arm wrestle him to get my control back even though he never took it away. Him – who makes me do stuff I have always wanted to but never did because – well, just because – he knows why. What he sees in me I have no idea yet I’m still talking to him trying to work out if he’s on drugs or just a dear sweet friend and lover who just likes me as I like him. I believe ‘like’ is sometimes more powerful than love.

Can people change your life so profoundly in such a short space of time? You know, if you have of asked me that a couple of months ago, I would have said ‘no, I’m too ornery to change and I like being bossy and stubborn and doing things my way and I’m not changing for no one – nuh-uh – go away – piss off.’ And yet I have changed and I feel lighter and freer because of it. I believe some people are born to be catalysts in your life and that by gentle, persistent force they make you change without you even realizing it.

So to you, my dear …yes, I admit it – I have changed. You know that. You have done that for me and I love you for that. Okay…that’s about as mushy as I get…

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Ahh…

“Sexy as socks on a rooster”

Are these the most comfy pair of socks you have seen or what? I am most impressed with them. Excuse the vast expanse of fat white thighs but as much as I hate winter – and its winter in Oz – I love stuff like this. Who knew this stuff even existed? And yeah it’s a bit ditzy and silly but what the hell. And comfortable? Oh yeah…I wish I could wear them to work…hmmm…

I got nothing to tell you. The highlight, that I can talk about without shocking you, is the socks. May you find good socks that never drop below your knees – that’s an old Jones family proverb.

I will leave you with these puzzling questions…I bought some of Cover Girl Simply Ageless foundation – you know the one Ellen flogs – I love her she’s makes me laugh so hard – anyway, there was a seal on the compact and a sticker that said ‘security device enclosed.’ Hmmm…I have to ask…why? Is there something that has changed with foundation and made it a security risk? Please explain…and man, getting the lid off…oh hard but they have instructions. See here - http://www.covergirl.com/products/collections/simplyageless/. Okay – if you have to have instructions for something that should be easy – why make it so hard to start off with? Ah, the imponderables of life…

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Who are you?

Yes, this is me in writer mode…no, I haven’t been in jail...no, I’m not on drugs. Yes, I do have thin lips and no make up on. And no, I usually don’t wear glasses. Yes, I suppose I could scare small dogs and make men cry. Why am I showing you this very plain 'bare bones' photo? Well, it’s a long, involved story but mainly it’s somewhat of a dare and I am never one to pass one of those up.

I guess what the dare is really about is putting yourself out there no matter how crap you look or think you look. There are some people I know who are the most amazing people on the planet – true, strong, determined, smart and funny – and yet what someone thinks of their outward, physical appearance deters or paralyses them from enjoying themselves or from walking into a room and taking command when they are the most fascinating person there. I think that’s kind of sad. I’m no beauty. You can see that - but I’m me and I’m okay with that. I’ll strive to get things and do stuff regardless what anyone thinks about how I look. Hells bells look at Susan Boyle, the Scottish woman who kicked arse with her singing ability. Isn’t it about time we stop judging others – and more importantly ourselves for how we look?

To everyone out there who worries about meeting people – “what will they think of the way I look?” I say this to you. You are a Queen. There is no one like you. You may not be the most beautiful but you are unique. And let’s face it beauty fades but confidence and believing in yourself kicks beauty’s scrawny size 4 arse any day. If someone makes you feel less for how you look – fuck ‘em – that’s their problem.

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

In the news….

Sublime…

LONDON (Reuters) - A sexually suggestive Venus figurine with oversized breasts and thighs dates back at least 35,000 years and shows ancient humans had sex on their minds, researchers said Wednesday.

The figurine's enlarged breasts, bloated belly and thighs also make clear that sexual symbolism was alive and well tens of thousand of years ago…

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE54D3QS20090514

Kind of funny when you think about it. If you believe the fashion gurus, the features described above are anything but signs of sexual symbolism. Funny how life always comes back full circle. Ever noticed how figurines of emaciated waifs, those we are ‘supposed’ to admire and strive to be, are never dug up? Funny about that. Proof once more that big thighs, hips, bums and boobs have ruled for centuries and women should be women and not shaped like men with a vagina.

Ridiculous…

Right now, I am believing God for your freedom from financial pressure, so much so that I have set May 25 as the Debt Cancellation Day of Prayer.

There are special seasons of anointing for debt cancellation. This is one of them. If you want to be part of this extraordinary season, trigger the process by releasing your faith through sowing a sacrificial seed toward the Gospel.

http://www.bennyhinn.org/articles/articledesc.cfm?id=5616

What a load of crap…this evangelic nitwit is in Australia now preying on the vulnerable who are suffering all sort of medical emergencies. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, he plans to rid all true believers of debt. How? Pretty simple – you give him ‘seed’ money and pray a lot and…and well, I don’t know after that. It all seems a little vague…but I can surmise. This guy will laugh his arse off all the way to the bank and those who were gullible enough to give him money on the mistaken belief that May 25th will provide some miracle will forgive him because he’s only preaching God’s word and he does send you tacky Jerusalem candlestick holders after all. If you are that much in debt and you have some ‘seed’ money may I suggest you buy food, pay a bill and live without the candlestick holders. This man gives religion a bad name and it angers me that leeches like this prey on those who want to believe in something. Wanker.

Watch the beak fella…

A sexually-frustrated male emu is chasing a woman in the Northern Territory because it cannot find a female mate.

http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/odd/5569513/woman-seeks-love-randy-emu/

Hmmm…makes you wonder don’t it? Is some romance writer even now already writing an emu-shifter book? Emo Emu anyone?

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Hmmm...

"Men are all alike--except the one you've met who's different.” --
Mae West

Okay, so at the start of the week I swore off men...I absolutely meant it at the time...really I did but stuff happened and well, you know....besides I am citing that precedence that 'it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind.' There is something so very nice about a determined man. It makes you smile…

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Prince Vampire....

For all those who have asked, here is the next vampire instalment – Prince Vampire. There is another vamp book that follows this one called Run the Gantlet – yes ‘gantlet’ is correct – trust me - that releases in July. The blurb…yes, beware, I have been naughty again and used ‘fuck’ in the blurb… oh and cock…

The blurb…

After reading about a sexy vampire prince and his search for his true love, Aureliann O’Neal is on fire with need. The sexual tension on the pages matches her own deep desires. She wants to be skin to skin with the vampire prince. In her lust filled need for him to fuck her, Aureliann calls out to the dark hero.

Prince Valdemar has been waiting for the true love of his life to summon him. Only she can feed his many hungers. When he answers Aureliann’s call, his cock is on red alert. She is the one. Valdemar knows every luscious inch belongs to him and he will stake his claim.

The excerpt…adult concepts…

Prince Valdemar’s hand stroked his long, thick, shaft as the water ran down his body. His cock jumped with tension as he fisted it and milked it slowly, his head flung back, his long hair sleek and wet against his body. The loud groan that wrenched from his lips was one of pure and utter aggravation.
Aureliann O’Neal turned the page of the book and sighed. She could picture so clearly in her mind the sight of the naked Prince as he fisted his penis in the shower to remove tensions within. Her own fingers moved down under her panties to between her legs to massage her clit as she read on, visualizing in her mind the wet sheen of the taut muscles of ass and shoulders. She knew of his frustration. It was spelled out very clearly in the pages of The Vampire’s Kiss. Aureliann had the same feelings. It was a longing to find true love. The hunger for that one person who knew your needs like no other. No book had ever made her feel so lonely and needy before.
“Where is she?” His hand pumped faster and his powerful thigh muscles clenched as he looked for release. “I cannot go on without her.”
“Oh boy, I am here just waiting for you, my lord.” Aureliann’s hand moved faster as she spread her legs further apart. She was so hot and wet that she knew it would take nothing to make her come. “If only I had you.” She wanted to feel his hands on her body and his cock surging hard within her. It was something she knew she could not have but then the best dreams always were.
Valdemar growled in frustration as a milky jet shot forth from his cock and disappeared in the water. He shook and shuddered as he pumped his shaft dry. His despair could be heard throughout the land.
“Oh, what a waste,” she moaned as she came under her own hand. Aureliann knew all about despair and need. “Please bring me Prince Valdemar.”
“Please bring her to me.”
“Snap.” If only life was a book.

Yeah….if only…

I am here spruiking on as I do…have a good day

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Red me up…

‘Had my hair done last night. I walked into the Salon - swish sounding but it's just a shop about a block from my house - and...let’s call her... Zoe …shrieked when she saw me. Zoe is the salon owner and she only ever fills in on rare occasions. I like Zoe a lot - except I refuse to let her cut my fringe (bangs(?)) as she always cuts it too short and I look like a five year old. She thinks fringes should be short and always says “what are you hiding from?” Nothing, I just don't want to pluck my eyebrows and I wouldn’t be me without hair in eyes. Anyway, she shrieked because firstly she had not seen me in ages and secondly my hair was its 'natural' colour and "bloody hell that really suits you,” she said. I know - who knew what you were born with was correct for you? I had gone back to natural brown for a while because I had run out of time to sit for a couple of hours to get the whole red streaks thing done on a regular basis. Anyway we discussed the natural look for a while before we both agreed to slather my hair with intense red dye and foils once more. Actually Zoe wanted me to go blonde but I just wasn’t feeling blonde....you have to be don’t you?

One of the many things I like about Zoe is that she can talk non stop in a breathless way and she looks all agog and sprinkles the conversation with 'oh shut up' when she thinks something is amazing. She was appalled when I told her how I dry my hair at the gym after a shower before going to work. "Oh shut up- you do not!" Well, shut up I do. You know the automatic hand dryers that blow warm air? I turn the nozzle around and use that ala Madonna in Desperately Seeking Susan - well, it's the same principle isn’t it as a blow dryer.

Zoe has a never ending chocolate supply that we all munch on and she provides wine and beer as she wanders around cutting and colouring. Basically we're all happy and drunk. One thing about Zoe. She thinks she is a great painter. She's not - her artwork is...well...um...I like to call it challenging. She likes that description. It's one that could mean anything and frankly trying to think about something nice to say about her work is a challenge. I try not to drink much wine while I'm there just in case I become suddenly truthful and blurt out how I really feel about her paintings – which adorn the shop. But I guess it's all about beauty being in the eye of the beholder isn't it?

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

I swear....

I'm swearing off men...and no, I'm not going to bat for the other side either. But I just can't, at this moment, understand the need for men. Oh sure - yes, they can be amusing up to a point and the whole reaching up high for stuff and unscrewing jar lids thing is useful but really, what is the point of them after that? I have discovered they're actually pretty damn irritating when you have to deal with them for any length of time on an ongoing basis. I actually believe that Eve made Adam take the bloody apple hoping somehow the wrath of god, or insert other cosmic being's name here, would split them up and she would have five seconds peace. But no, she got stuck with him for life and the rest as they say is history or legend or maybe just bad luck.

I don't dislike men. I just can't work out how they think, why they say the stuff they do, nor do I get the whole master of the universe thing and I'm too tired to try and work out the code now. I suppose if you married young and raised a man up with you then you would have them to a point where you could say 'sit' and 'stay' but I'm to busy to take a pet - er, man - on now. And that whole mind of their own thing? What’s that about? Who needs it? And all the emotions you have because of them? Pukeable. If I wanted more angst in my life I could kick my broken toe or try to epilate my under arms again for that.

As god, or insert cosmic being’s name here, is my witness...never again…give me chocolate – happy food - and a good book – drama - any day…and maybe just a bottle of Tequila because…well just because.

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Damn straight Batfink...

Exactly - and I am tougher for it and that's a good thing.

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Fruit loops....

Okay…I’m confused…how can you be a fan of someone when you have no idea who they are? I keep getting these requests to ‘become a fan’ of X. I look at X and think – who are you? Why are you trawling for people you don’t know to become fans? What’s that about? Am I missing something? Is it a case of the person who collects the most ‘fans’ wins? Is it like the ‘vote for me’ authors who win only because they have annoyed the crap out of everyone? Isn’t it better to have genuine fans rather than bored people who click the acceptance button just so you don’t keep harassing them to become your fan? Maybe it’s a self esteem thing. Is there a warm, fuzzy feeling to be gotten knowing you have collected a bunch of fans and you can look at a list of them? And what are they fans of exactly? Most perplexing…if you know, please advise.

The other thing I don’t get when it comes to the whole publishing thing is group loops…sort of like Fruit Loops. Basically you get an assorted bunch of people together on a Yahoo loop, make rules for everyone to be ‘nice’ to everyone else and then chaos ensues. By chaos I mean you have a diverse range of people and none of them are going to ever mix successfully no matter how sweet they all sound. Loop people –

1. The fervent cheer leaders who want everyone to get along. Yeah right. How many sub groups of sub groups splinter off loops and bitch about their loopy friends?
2. The needy people. There is nothing wrong with need but no one wants to hear every miserable detail of your life as we all have our own miserable details to deal with – give us a break.
3. The people - writers – who are trying to keep all their writing personalities in order. You know they have several names and all of them are ‘secret’ but they always end up outing themselves by using the wrong email address to post and then we all have to pretend we never saw that sweet romance writer Mary is really writing as erotica writer Candi and sometimes as gay man Torquil to appeal to the MM readers.
4. Out and out bitches who say what they think and make the loop go all quiet – I like them.
5. Those that once you leave a loop – either forced out through natural attrition or just plain need to leave a fruit loop – treat some people like pariahs as ‘You are not one of us anyone.’ Honey, I was never one of you. The lobotomy never took.
6. The ‘look-at-me’ people – see comments above about fan collectors and vote riggers. These people continuously want you to look at them and frankly you just want them to bugger off and annoy someone else.

Honestly as much as the internet is a fantastic thing in bringing people together, divorcing them from you makes it damn hard.

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Voices...

I used to have this lecturer at University – absolute arrogant prick – who was taking us through The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. I had many issues with this book and it’s sexist, religious overtones. Yes, I know it was written decades ago but it pissed me off and I’m not one to nod and smile and agree something is good just because everyone else says it is. The lecturer and I used to get into arguments over the book. He liked it. I thought it was crap and my essays were written accordingly. Yes, I did pass that course. Anyway, this lecturer had the best voice. I think that’s why I argued with him. The course was dumb and it had no relevance to anything I would do later in life – he was arrogant but damn he had a beautiful, passionate voice. I believe it was the only reason I turned up to class.

Have you ever heard a voice that makes you get all hot and cold and trembling and you can’t remember what the hell you were saying and whatever it was it can’t have been as important as listening to that voice. It’s the type of voice that you hang on every word because you just want to. It’s a voice that is indescribable. It grabs at you and holds you and you know you will never forget the sound of them again. No? Me neither…just something I’m thinking about…

To all you mothers out there – have a great day and I hope that those you love appreciate how amazing you are in their lives. To those whose mothers have passed, I believe they never really leave our lives…they are still whispering in our ears to make sure we wear clean undies…and fold things properly…and did I teach you to iron like that? And toast for dinner? And sit up straight….comb your hair…you have such a pretty face…you’re not wearing that are you…

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Sheer madness…

…but it’s so much fun. Hoping you are the same.

*******************************************
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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Nongs…

Nong = nitwit in Aussie speak…

So this man came into work and scared the crap out of everyone in reception. Did he have a weapon? Only his big, fat mouth. Snap. I have one of those too. Was he deranged? Probably to take me on.

I handle money every day. You pay me, I’ll give you a receipt. Quibble over money with me - just because you can - and don’t have a leg to stand on? You’re going to lose. Upset other women in the office who are just trying to do their job? I don’t think so.

Anyway, I got called out to deal with this prick – er customer - and his money. He was tall, arrogant, built like a brick shit house. Then there’s me – short, broken toe and pissy attitude as I was up to my arse in other work and dealing with this nong wasn’t on my agenda. “Just shut up and pay” is my motto.

His problem? Let’s call him Arnold…he wanted an iron clad guarantee that what he ordered would not be delayed or buggered up. My answer? “Nothing is ever guaranteed in life, Arnold.” He said he wasn’t paying the balance. I said – “it’s pretty simple then - you won’t get the product.” Have you ever noticed when you are having these moments you know people are watching the fireworks but are too scared to come out and stand beside you? Great support huh? Anyway, he rattled on angrily on about integrity, honour, decency, doing the right thing, Batman, apple pie, puppy dogs - I don’t know - I stopped listening after a while - all the time trying to stand over me. I stood, hands on hips, and listened in silence. Silence is an excellent weapon as people run out of steam eventually if no one fights back with them – and when I have my hands on my hips? Watch out - I am immovable.

“So will you guarantee my order?” My answer – ‘Here’s the thing Arnold, no I will not. Stuff happens. No one can guarantee anything in life. It’s madness to do so. You could walk out the door now and drop dead after paying me and there is no guarantee even then that in death your kin will get your product. If you want to go elsewhere – go ahead. If you want to pay and deal with the challenge of all the uncertainties of life then I will take your money.’

He asked my name again. I told him. He thought for a moment then asked would I give him a receipt. Sure? Paying cash? He then started griping on about our 3 day clearance on cheques. “Yes, we have that, Arnold – so what is your decision?” Arnold paid cash. Arnold tried to get a discount using sudden charm. Charm offensive did not work. Arnold paid exact amount owing right down to the last ten cent piece. Why? Because I’m not giving this nong any lee-way whatsoever.

I believe Arnold learned a lesson. Not all women will be cowed by a man and standing over someone just means you are taller and not smarter.

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Mismatches...

Rick: Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine.

Every time I watch Gone with The Wind, I still can’t, regardless of what existential bullshite any student of film will tell you, work out what the hell Scarlett O’Hara saw in Ashley Wilkes. She was strong, bold and self assured. He was quiet, stoic and ready to bend with the wind instead of fight it. The same with Casablanca – I would have gone for the mysterious, sullen yet whimsical Rick, yet Ilsa chose the do-gooder Victor. It makes me wonder about our choices in life. Do opposites really attract? And if so is that necessarily a good thing? And, if someone pointed out the differences would we believe them? Or do we ourselves wonder about the differences but do nothing to disrupt what we have found? And is that realistic or just plain dumb?

I have been pondering this of late. Why do we attract the people we do? How can someone so vastly different to yourself wander in and turn your life upside down? Why do we let them? Is it the excitement of it all? Do we think ‘stuff it, I’ll take a chance?’ It’s the same in romance books – the heroine is doing her own thing, getting through life by herself and then the hero turns up and disrupts everything. Then, as a writer, you have to get two polar opposites together and make it believable. Like real life – it’s madness. I don’t believe opposites attract and yet we attract them don’t we? Is it recognition that one of you lacks something the other has? Or is it lust the burns out the minute the blinders are off? And do readers want to read something like that in a book? I suspect not. We want the happy ending – we want to know all differences are resolved. We are unfulfilled when Rhett walks out on Scarlett or Rick watches Ilsa leave with another man. I think we’re programmed to believe in happy endings and choose not to accept anything else – which is insane as we all know life is not about happy endings.

I spend most of Gone with The Wind – seen it a hundred times – yelling at Scarlett to pull her head in and realize Rhett is the man for her…and Ilsa…honest to god – Rick owns a bar in exotic Casablanca and he is the quintessential smart arse – what’s not to love? Yet, they both make decisions that leave us wondering – what the?

Yeah, you’re right, they’re just characters who aren’t real. But what about real people who form attachments to people you can see are just so wrong for them and yet you know you can’t say anything because they won’t believe you. And what of yourself? Is there a moment, like the heroine of a book, when you think – “hang on a sec – what am I doing?” Or should we just seize the moment and worry about consequences later? Yep, I’m rambling again….consider it white noise…

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Stuff happens...

So I dragged my arse off yesterday to see the work physio. Work has one due to the factory in the other part of the building. When you venture down into the factory you get to wear a lovely fluoro orange vest, safety glasses (which cut into the bridge of my nondescript nose – it’s just there), ear plugs – what did you say??? And – steelcaps… ok, I love my steelcaps. I like knowing I can kick a door open any time I want. No, I haven’t but I’m prepared and that’s 80% of life.

Anyway, I went to see the physio to check out if I had done more damage to my toe when I hurt it and pulled it back into joint, a week or so ago. It’s bloody sore and I am scoffing down the devil’s smarties = painkillers and ‘smarties’ are the equivalent to M & M’s. Anyway she said "you can go and have an x-ray but I can tell you by the look and feel of it your toe is broken." Excellent. That could explain the limp. Good news is I did a good job relocating it when it dislocated…I am considering taking that up as a profession.

But life goes on and this is why you have frozen vegetables in your fridge – you don’t eat them – you put your toe on them to de-swell it – okay de-swell may not be a word but what’s one more made up word in life? Anyway…the point of my blog? Things happen – changes occur – inconveniences are common and yet we all move on. There are no ‘plots’ in life, there are no ‘I’m being picked on’ moments – it’s just life and it happens. The toe thing has once more reinforced a couple of things to me - despite friends advice – I’m not going to slow down my life to avoid things happening. What’s the point of living at half speed – and two – buy more frozen veggies…oh, and like the picture above – sometimes a banana in a pocket is just a banana so treat it as such until it’s proven otherwise.

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Why romance sucks for romance writers…

1. You spend too much time on it
2. It’s too real – there is no fantasy to fall back on
3. You can’t add things or delete bits
4. It’s always messy
5. Too much thought is involved – nothing flows – there are no page breaks
6. You can’t get any writing done
7. Chocolate doesn’t taste as good
8. Wishing and dreaming belong in a Disney movie
9. Way too much money is spent on underwear and not enough on popcorn
10. You make plans when you’ve never made plans before – suddenly you’re not making it up as you go along
11. You have all this great dialogue in you head but can’t use it ‘cause it’s too personal
12. Your keyboard gets dusty from lack of use
13. You can’t remember what work-in-progress you’re supposed to be progressing on.
14. If you are writing, you keep typing his name and not the characters name
15. You have to continually re-think your point of view
16. Love cannot be concluded neatly in 50, 75 or 100 thousand words or probably a gazillion
17. You are never in control of the plot
18. Life gets so complicated that if it was a book you wouldn’t read it as it would make your head hurt.
19. Concentration is shot to hell
20. You would rather do edits than deal with romance

In conclusion…don’t do it…steer clear of it…write a book instead and get back to eating chocolate.

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Go Ahead : Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?

Idiots...

LONDON (Reuters) - Britain said Saturday it would raise the case of a pregnant British woman, who faces the death penalty in Laos if convicted of drug smuggling, when its foreign minister meets the Laotian deputy prime minister next week.

Britain would do what it could to ensure Samantha Orobator, 20, would not face the death penalty if found guilty at the upcoming trial and provide consular help.

British legal charity Reprieve said she was carrying 0.6 kg (1.3lbs) of the drug, an amount that exceeded the statutory minimum for the death penalty in Laos.

http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/mp/5538888/pregnant-uk-woman-faces-death-penalty-laos/

Excuse me – but how fucking stupid would you be to take any drugs into any country? What the hell is wrong with these people? Having travelled the world quite a bit I know for a fact there are warnings everywhere you turn about narcotics. If you are dumb enough to do it and you get caught and have to face the laws of that particular country then I cannot see how you believe you should be shown any more mercy than any other bugger. Think before you travel. Just because you are white and from a developed country does not mean you have any more rights than anyone else. No, I don’t think she should be sentenced to death but I damn well think she need to learns a hard lesson – not that I think anyone else of the same stupid ilk will get it. Honest to god who breeds these people?

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