Saturday, 29 December 2007

Saturday stuff...

You can be a better you for 2008…

This is some of my Amarinda junk email. If you believe it my life will be fantastic in 2008 if I just invest in snake oil….

Why don’t you buy drugs to be healthy?
Interesting - this is an email from someone who appears to be somewhere in South America. The drugs that they mention can do wondrous things. Funnily enough most of them are not approved by most governments – apparently that’s due to the fact they are so ‘unique.’ Hard to believe miraculous stuff this does not instantly get approved in order to save mankind.

Partner available now! – Yes, apparently I can get me a man right now and all they ask is you supply them your credit card details and the man of your dreams/nightmares will appear. Gee, that is awfully tempting isn’t it – not.

Make sure your man can satisfy you in 2008. My there are a lot of gadgets out there that supposedly increase penis size to alarming proportions. But here’s the thing, we all know the only thing that’s going to get better is the coffers for this company. I say give them a big swerve and avoid wasting your money. The only thing a man needs to do to satisfy me is provide an endless supply of Tim Tams and disappear when I give him the ‘get thee gone look’. I am a simple soul.

A real woman has real breasts…okay, are real breasts different to normal breasts? So if you have normal boobs does this mean you are not a real women or less of a woman? Do you really give a rat’s arse? Apparently, reading their advert, bigger is better because you will attract more men that way. It’s not like they would lie is it? Though how big would you want to be? It sounds like it would require another new bra with extra heavy duty hydraulic lift system. I’ll think I’ll stay as I am thanks all the same.

Out of a 100 men you will meet –

65 will be married
20 will be gay
5 won’t be interested in you
5 you won’t be interested in due to their haircut
5 could be the man of your dreams

Increase your chances now….
Okay – married and gay I get. I also understand the some people are never going to be attracted to other people – however – do these nitwit advertisers truly believe love is based on a haircut? “Oh no, I couldn’t love him – he has a crew-cut.” Pluh-lease… So that apparently leaves 5 men that you could possible have. Is that at the same time? How would that work? On a rotational system? How exhausting would that be? Or do you get to chose out of the possible 5? What if you make the wrong choice? Is it a do-over? Sounds all too hard for me. And how exactly does this company

“Increase your chances?” Magic wand or a wad of money?

Lose weight so he will love you more – what? WHAT? ‘Not even going to respond to this as it is stupid beyond belief and if by some chance you are with such a shallow-arsed man – leave him – you’re too good for him.

Don’t you just hate it…

…. when you get bitten on the arse? Most annoying especially when you are outside gardening and it means you have to dash quickly to a enclosed area and rip off your shorts and shake ‘em out to dislodge said biter. Green ants – I hate ‘em. Little bastards

Lust in Time…. What does it have in common with being bitten on the arse…nothing…but everything doesn’t have to have a meaning.

“What are you afraid of, Arabella?”
“Not you, that’s for damn sure.” Any other man would have backed off by now. Arabella was very good at repelling unwanted advances. But of course Garrett was not just any man.
“I have been told I am quite a pleasant and handsome companion.”
“And of course you believe this,” murmured Arabella back, looking into the flinty grey eyes that held a teasing gleam to them. Oh yes, this man was an accomplished flirt. However she was not in 1888 to fall for any honeyed lines delivered by charming men, regardless of how attractive they were. Arabella sighed softly in frustration. Garrett was the persistent type and she was the stubborn type. It was a case of an irresistible force meeting an immovable object. One of them had to give and it wasn’t going to be her. “Let’s cut to the chase. We had sex. I enjoyed it. You have an awe-inspiring cock. But I am not here to pick up a husband or to be with you. I am sure there are dozens of local girls who would love to drop their bloomers if you smiled your charming smile at them but for me it’s not going to happen again.” I am immune to you. If she said it enough times she would believe it.
“’Awe inspiring cock’?” Garrett repeated her words back to her. “I did not realise just how much you enjoyed it.”
Arabella mentally built another wall around herself. Ignore the smile. Ignore the eyes. Ignore your rapid pulse and get a grip, she told herself. This man was not for her.
“Listen clearly. I am not interested. Sex with you was a one-off.” What would the church members think if they heard this conversation? Not that Arabella particularly cared. She was not sticking around long enough to be part of the congregation.
“Actually we had sex three times,” Garrett corrected her helpfully.
“Whatever!” Arabella snapped out softly between her teeth. “But I do not belong here or to you.”
“So you are going to fight this all the way?”
“I’m not fighting anything.” Okay she was but that was for her to deal with. Arabella did not need Garrett knowing any more than he had to.
“What I don’t understand is why you are fighting this attraction between us. You have told me you have no other lover in your life. You and I fit together so well it’s only natural I want you with me.” Garrett’s voice was earnest and sincere. “I love you and I want to marry you, honey.”
Arabella slapped him on the arm in frustration.
“What the hell is wrong with you? You don’t marry someone just because you have sex!” She was trying very hard to keep her voice low but Garrett was not making it easy for her to retain any sort of ladylike calm.
“Why don’t you want to get married?”
“Because I don’t have to.” Was the man thick or just pushy? “I am a liberated woman who can do what she wants.”

“Maybe in 2008 you can but this is 1888. You have no money of your own and you are a spinster,” Garrett said pointing out the grim realities that faced women in the 1800’s. “What woman would not want to marry in those circumstances?”
How was it that this man knew instinctively every button to push to get a reaction from her?
“You think you are going to somehow save me from social ruin?”
“Can you afford to knock back suitors at your age?”
“Oh! I am not old!” Arabella spat back, rounding on Garrett. What a nerve he had! Age was never an issue to her yet it annoyed her that this man seemed to say it in such a way to annoy her. “And I am not on some quaint little shelf where spinsters are euphemistically shoved. How old are you?”
“Arabella!” Amy Louisa gasped in shock, breaking out of her reverie with Adam Wade. She looked stunned. “I have never heard a woman discuss anything so personal like that with a man.”
Arabella knew Amy Louisa would be shocked at just how personal she was with her brother.
Garrett smiled fondly at his sister’s shocked face.
“I am thirty-five years of age, Arabella,” he replied urbanely.
“Well, Mr. Robillard, you are on that shelf then,” replied Arabella, ignoring the pale face of Amy Louisa beside her. Yes, she knew it was 1888 and she had had every intention of acting accordingly but damn it this man brought out every 2008 instinct within her.
“Age is different for a man.”
Arabella gave an unladylike snort of derision.
“And that hasn’t changed much at all in one hundred and twenty years.”

Anny – and Kelly are still on the road somewhere in the USA but take a squiz at their blogs and the ones to the left and see what fascinating tidbits they have to offer you. And if you want drama and pathos go to Musings of a Cover Artist. It’s not for the faint hearted.
Go ahead: Live with abandon. Be outrageous at any age. What are you saving your best self for?


Diane Craver said...

I love your LUST IN TIME cover. It's gorgeous!Great excerpt!

barbara huffert said...

Green ants? Wonder if we could mate them with the red ones in my yard? We could start a new ant farm craze with our speckled and zebra-striped hybrids!

I love the junk mail that offers to increase MY penis size. Funny, they never explain how they're going to grow one on me first.

Sandra Cox said...

Great excerpt, great cover.
As far as the 5 men. How about one for Monday, one for Tuesday, etc. through Friday. That's how I do my shampoos. grin. Then you would have Sat and Sun to rest up and have time for just you.

Sandra Cox said...

PS I love the Bella names: Arabella, Isabella, etc

Kelly Kirch said...

I'm really enjoying the comics on your blog. Thanks for the laugh!

Anonymous said...

Could have always been a bull ant, LOL! Do you get those up there? Damn things are about an inch long with the biggest nippers you've ever seen. Ooh .. maybe it's the ants that are sending out all those emails ;)

Anny Cook said...

Fire ants... nasty buggers. We dump powdered tide on their nests and they go away.

I like Sandra's idea for the five men... especially the two days off.